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12 Jul 2020 , by AliceRitaK

Codependency reared its head

I don’t know where to start. I generally think my thoughts, ideas and behaviours are rubbish because I’m rubbish. When you have been told often enough that you are stupid you believe it.

I’ve hated lockdown and I’m struggling with depression and panic attacks. I had breast cancer last year and had recovered well. I coped with it far better than I ever thought I would. My treatment which thankfully did not include chemotherapy was followed by the gift of a holiday to Grenada to visit my friend’s family. It was a lovely 10 days and I relaxed in the warmth and swam daily in the sea, all of which helped me to recover from my physical and mental scars post treatment.

Lockdown, however has been such a challenge. I have missed my work colleagues so much and my family and grandson. Not being able to physically hug or touch has been painful. I get my strokes from physical hugs.

There’s a back story as to why but that is in the past and I want to leave it there. It impinged on my life for far too long.

I ended the day with a dog walk this evening. At 9.30 as it took that long for the sluggish, heavy struggling to cry feelings to pass.

The air was beautifully cool and it was being good to see people out enjoying themselves and socially distanced.

I journaled and knew full well the source of my low mood and it’s something that is ridiculous though I have to acknowledge I feel it. Codependency – baffling, cunning and powerful. I haven’t felt it in a while and it is crazy making. I remember every day used to feel like that. So I’m glad I took myself out.

My morning was lovely. I want to say thanks to my beautiful daughter for sharing her beautiful garden, dogs and scrummy lunch with me today. She is my star. And so is my son who has returned home from his outlaws today. He shares videos of my grandson and is always thoughtful.

My honest appraisal of this afternoon. I hate living alone. Daily solitude does not suit me. I have never liked being alone much. I found it scary yet I have spent most of my life in that state. It is familiar environment but I still hate it. I liked living with someone, sharing chores and stories of the day. I don’t know why I’m denied it, whether I deny myself but I get down. It is what it is. I’m off to bed in a moment and I hope I can sleep and my week starts again tomorrow. Like groundhog day? I hope not. I hope tomorrow brings me some joy and respite from my angst.

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