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10 Nov 2020 , by sarah33

The bloody hamster only went and died

Don’t think I am whining

I really hate to be thought of as whinging but this is the out let that I am choosing at the moment to get stuff off my chest to say what I need to without the head tilting and saying that I will make progress and get myself back. I just want it now, not in time or at some point in the future. All I can say at least it is not bad poetry.

I have another appointment on the 26th, today is the 19th. The amount of days in the middle I have to continue with this, with them. I know come the 26th there won’t be a magic cure and I won’t leave the phone call being my own self, but secretly I hope there will be some improvement so I can spend time with my family and return to work with a clear head and a steady voice. Some confidence will return that I can cope, manage, not feel like I do now.

My neighbours peering out of their windows and looking into my life. Taking sneaky peaks. I hear their hushed voices, see their shadows behind their blinds, eyes following my every moment I am outside. I think I will stay inside for a while.

A police car parked outside my head put my mind into overdrive. They were coming to arrest me for a crime that I have not committed. My heart pounds, my breathing increases rapidly. I watch, I wait for the inevitable arrest. But they talk to a neighbour and drive off. The thought that they will be back won’t leave me, so I wait.

The news feeds on my phone keep telling me about stories of people hanging themselves.

These are all thoughts or things I have experienced in the last couple of days.

I wish I was asleep

Sleep is my only escape at the moment, even bad dreams are better than the world I live in. I almost cry when I wake to the reality of a brand new day. To continue to have to fight for each moment of quiet.

Woke up in tears after a bad dream, my day has been one of sitting. Thinking I am not strong enough to deal with this. That I won’t be able to manage, to get back to where I was. I would definitely make do with that, not completely better just to where I was, where I can cope.

This world is so dark and loud. It is the thunderstorm but it is not breaking and the sun is not coming out. There are no rainbows on the horizon and certainly no pot of gold. I need a hug but cannot bare to be touched. I need to cry but I wouldn’t stop. I need to be strong but all my weakness’s are on display.

I get a phone call from IHTT but don’t want to talk. The connection is poor so I hope it comes across that I just can’t hear but I have gone against my grain and shared with them so far and nothing is different so what is the point. Talking is not going to stop the others from their whispers and constant chatting and screaming. There will be no respite from them invading my life, not for now.

The words they say scar from soul

They are starting to get more personal now with the words they choose to say to me. Picking on my darkest fears and telling me that they are real, actually happening. I fight back, tears in my eyes saying it’s not true. Trying to prove that they are wrong but they put the seeds of doubt in my mind. The seeds growing into a little sprout of paranoia and then blooming into despair.

I keep it all inside, I am sure that if I was cut open that a giant scream and black vapour would immerse. All the pain would make a horrendous noise, one that would show how I feel. I have people to talk too, I just can’t bring myself to say what the voices are saying. It’s like it’s our secret and they would be too mad if I told and they would be so much worse angry. I think they are a little pissed at at the moment because they do not leave me alone.

Headphones blocks them out a little, but the volume only goes so high. I try to use the headphones only when I am outside, having music on in the house instead. Trying not to block out my family even more than I am doing. I need them close to get well, but also need to keep them at arms length. I know that this is hurting them as we are normally so close, like peas in a pod but the closer they are the more I love them. The more I love them the more the voices say things about them that damage my mind further.

Lockdown – mark two

A Lockdown in winter can only leave me feeling two ways. I shouldn’t go outside and see people 🙁 and I shouldn’t leave the house 🙂 (my only safe place, apart from TK Maxx, spent 250 quid there in the last week oops). I know that isolating myself is a dangerous game as I become more depressed, people need social interaction it’s apart of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Being denied it leaves people feeling lonely, even in a houseful of their loved ones. I phone/IM people but feel I am bothering them. Then the conversation always starts with how are you? To which I always reply fine. My standard answer even when I am clearly not, even when I am on the verge of a breakdown. So I stop calling when I need to talk and I don’t say what needs to be said. I should ban myself from saying “I’m fine and I’m ok”. I should say I feel awful or I can’t cope but I don’t see those words coming out of my mouth.

The only time I speak the truth is when I am sobbing my heart out and that happens rarely. My poor husband got the brunt of it the other night. The I can’t cope and I don’t want to be here any more came tumbling out. Like a volcano erupting and the red lava of hot words came flowing out. They then solidified into a solid truth. Not going anywhere, unmovable like a stone statue of my hopelessness. All he could do was offer comfort to his loving wife who was saying she wanted to be dead because she cannot cope with her life at the moment. His feelings of hopelessness put to one side by my own selfish hysteria.

The bloody hamster only went and died

I had to have the hamster put to sleep. She was suffering the old girl so it had to be done. The effect on me was profound. Not that the fuzzy little creature had died but the out pouring of grief from my children. They were distraught at loosing their beloved pet. This made me realise that what I was wanting to do, what would have happened if it hadn’t have been for the help I received, would have destroyed them. The impact it would have had on my family would have been catastrophic for them. I was only thinking of myself. Not my little girl, my little boy and my loving husband.

I hope that the next time I am over whelmed with the need to end my own life I force myself to remember the grief that loosing a hamster can cause and that it would be so much worse loosing a mother or a wife.

My own troubles with my thoughts and voices continue. They say such awful things. They cause me to be paranoid and suspect that the most awful things are happening to people that I adore. I try to close my mind and heart to it. I know that they are liars and only cause to hurt me but they make me panic and suspicious of everyone around me. I am new to this house and area so I find it hard to believe that the neighbours are waving at me from inside their homes. I can hear them talking about me through double glazing and across a road, When I go outside I keep my head down and do my best not to make eye contact with anyone.

A walk to the shop must include headphones and almost a gallop, well maybe a trot. Straight there, straight back. Ask the shopkeeper what I want and straight back. No eye contact with anyone.

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