So my girlfriend, Lucy, broke up with me a few days ago, I knew that because she's depressed and suicidal we probably wouldn't last long. When she broke up with me she said "you're the right person at the wrong time", that she "wasn't ready for a relationship". She's believed for ages that she doesn't deserve me, that I could do better, that I was amazing. I know that she's trying to work on her self, and it would probably be easier when single, so I don't have an issue with it. I don't hate her for the decision at all. I'm honestly just heartbroken. I miss her so much, and I love her. Again, it's only been a few days... My best friend has been there for me, telling me to move on, because it'd be easier for me. That I should "stop talking to her", but honestly.. I don't want to. I know it would be a lot more difficult for me, but I want to keep in contact with her so I can see how she's doing and so she knows I still care about her. She has said that she's stopped loving all together, but one of her friends thinks that she still loves me. That what we had, still means a lot to her. She's been depressed and suicidal for longer than we were together. I knew what I was getting into when we got together, we were friends before the relationship - we both fancied each other for 2 years but I wasn't prepared to get into a relationship when we met due to finding out my dog had cancer (she survived treatment so that was a positive). Then Lucy dated our friend, and someone else a year later, she told me recently that that was just to try and move on from me.. but it didn't work. She still fancied me. When we got together, she told me that I shouldn't get my hopes up for a long future, because she could "drop dead any minute". She has tried ending her life multiple times, and she has panic attacks often. I was fortunate enough to be the person who she was most comfortable with - she wasn't as comfortable with any of her exes, or family, or closest friends. She told me about how she copes, how she lives, that for days she might not message me - I told her that I was completely fine with it, since I just want what's best for her. She knew I was telling her the truth, but her head also told her that it wasn't fine. Told her that she was a burden to me.
We weren't much a physical couple, mostly emotional. We kissed, held hands and cuddled. We never had sex, both of us are virgins, because she wasn't comfortable in her body. I told her that it didn't matter, that because I was a virgin too, I wasn't expecting sex, I didn't think much of it anyway - and she completely understood that. I told her that I'd wait for her, that if she ever wanted to have sex, then it'd only be when she's most comfortable. We spoke a lot about having a future together, getting married, having kids, living together; it was something to look forward to, even though it wasn't likely. I told her that if we could have a future, if she wasn't comfortable still, we could just adopt instead of having our own kids. She appreciated that a lot.
We also didn't see each other much, she works a lot and she's been isolating her self a lot too.
This last week has been a real rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm just trying to get through it. Recently, both me and Lucy have felt excluded from our friendship group, I felt it a lot, I felt really lonely. And because I was getting upset often, about feeling a lone, her head had made her believe that it was all her fault. I tried reassuring her that it wasn't but I knew it might not work. Today is Wednesday, she broke up with me on the previous Sunday. And last Tuesday, at 3:00 Am, her friend called me, saying Lucy had been drinking, and was trying to kill herself, so I got out of bed and ran to the house to help. I was able to calm Lucy down enough that she was able to try and sleep. Whilst she slept, I texted my boss to let him know that I wasn't going into work that morning and sat by her, awake, to make sure she'd be okay. When she awoke, she didn't remember what happened the previous night, and smiled so much for seeing me next to her. She told me the day after that she was really grateful, she honestly couldn't stop thanking me, for sticking by her side, for not leaving her, even when she was asleep. But a few days after, I wasn't doing great. I started thinking about all the conversations we had, she's told me many times "I love you, but this isn't fair on you at all", so when she finished work, I texted her and we had a conversation, after a bit, I asked her if she still wanted to be with me; and told her that I was worried she might break up with me due to feeling I could do better... She told me that she still wanted to be with me, but stopped texting me, went on a walk, got in a mood and started thinking about it. We didn't speak much the next day, just a "good morning", "I hope you get to work okay" and "goodnight, I love you". However, that night, when I texted her "I love you" she just replied "Ok", and didn't reply for an hour-ish, apologising for being the way she is, and then said goodnight again.
The following day, Sunday, she apologised once more, and said "I'm not breaking up with you, I swear. But what if I was?" I got really upset, and told her that if we did, I'd cry. She asked me if we'd still be friends, or if we'd hate each other. I just replied saying that "I guess it would depend on why we'd break up..", she told me that she wasn't breaking up with me, I told her that I was glad, and that if she needs some more space then I'd give it her. She then said "Look, I need to be honest", "you're the right person for me, just at the wrong time". I asked her if she was breaking up with me, and she said "sorry". Lucy did say that she still wanted to be friends, but that she didn't want a relationship right now.. I did get really upset, because I love her. Honestly, I still want to be with her, I know that it is going to be really hard and I want to help her get through this. She needs a friend now instead of a boyfriend, and I'm going to respect that, now. Whilst in the first 24 hours of the breakup, I did ask if we could just take a break instead, pretty much what we are doing now, but instead of calling it a "break up". The reason I wanted that was because both me and her are awkward people, I don't know right now what I should be doing... If I can message her? I know she wants space, not just from me but everyone, but I still want her to know that I care about her. From the last 2 days, when we've spoke about the relationship, she started talking about everything in the past tense, I know that's appropriate.. and I know it would probably be easiest, but I just feel like she fell out of love with me a while before the breakup. I really want a future with her, but I know, if we do get another chance, it won't be for a long time. I want to be there for her as a friend. Yes she left me, but I don't want to leave her.
The breakup has been really difficult for me, since today, Wednesday, would've been 4 months of being with her. I want to ask her how she's feeling today, to see if she's as upset as I am, but I'm afraid it'd come across as me trying to get back with her.. I also have a lot of reminders of her, I had pictures printed of us and framed, I had a keyring made with a picture of us from the night before we got together, she gave me a keyring of a sperm a while ago as a joke, and because it was from her, it means a lot. Also, we had our first kiss on the top of my street, so whenever I go there, if I'm walking somewhere, or in the car, I think about that. Next month is my birthday month, and she ordered me a present before the breakup, she got me some pictures of us printed in a fake camera sort of thing, or maybe it's a personalised film roll..? Anyway, that isn't the point. I texted her earlier, to tell her that I hope she's doing okay and that I still care about her, she told me that it arrived and said I probably didn't want it, that it's inappropriate now. She said that she'd give me it anyway, so I could make up my mind with what to do with it.. I told her that she doesn't need to, that she wasn't obligated to get me a present and she certainly isn't obligated to give me it now. She just replied "Ok". Honestly, we go to the same college, and we were planning on seeing each other on Thursday lunches, since we are both in on Thursdays, and my birthday is a Wednesday... So I was more hoping to see her tbh, rather than receiving a present. I was really just wanting to tell her to keep it, but I didn't want it to upset her, seeing pictures of us together, happy.
I still want to message her, and see how she is, but I don't want to pressure her.. I won't do, but it's difficult right now.
Does anyone have any advice? or tips?