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Phobia of boyfriend watching shows with sex and nudity in

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
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Re: Phobia of boyfriend watching shows with sex and nudity in

Postby guyincognito » Fri May 14, 2021 2:59 pm

Okay... so I guess I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle but I'd value your input. See... I'm a guy that sometimes watches movies with nudity. And I'm not going to lie... sometimes I seek this content out because I simply want to see it for my own sexual enjoyment. I know that sounds terrible... but I sometimes seek out movies with nudity in the same way that many men seek out porn (I don't like extremely graphic pornography... I never have).

Anyway, I admit all that. I wanted to be up front about all of that from the start... but please know that I am in no way disregarding anyone's feelings here... and my wife is in all likelihood, right there with you guys. This may be a longtime phobia she has dealt with. She hates nudity in movies and she can get very angry at the thought of actresses taking off their clothes. She sees it as "fake" and she can get very upset that I would enjoy such fake Hollywood women. But here's the thing... it wasn't always like this for us. For years and years, I looked away or closed my eyes if a woman on TV wore a bra or bikini or anything like that... and we NEVER watched anything with nudity. I'm sure many of you wish your significant others would do that for you... and maybe that is a decent and honorable thing, but also know that it can become an almost unhealthy obsession... especially if the guy is like me and wrestles with OCD.

For me, it got to the point where I was terrified to even look at another woman, worried I'd think she was attractive. It became a big fear for me. I didn't willingly look at a nude woman (other than my wife) for over a decade. I didn't watch PG-13 movies that I really wanted to see, because I knew there were sexual scenes in them... sometimes no nudity at all, but I was worried. Most R-rated movies weren't even on the table... even if it was one I really wanted to see. But I accepted this and felt like I was okay with it... though I suspect I was suppressing some resentment about it.

I tried to be, what I now call, "the good little boy"... because that's what it felt like... like I was trying to be "perfect" for her... because I knew my wife really struggled with this. And I might have even been able to deal with sacrificing those TV shows and movies and all of that, and even the anxiety and fear that it caused me, if there wasn't one other big problem. You see... for the better part of two decades, I have been in a sexless marriage. We do have sex, occasionally, but only if I initiate and for years, sex barely happened at all. This has destroyed my self-esteem. I began to think I wasn't good enough or attractive enough for my wife or anyone else... that she didn't want me at all, or that she didn't even love me. I can't even count the number of nights I laid next to her in bed and yet I felt so alone. I began to gain weight... which has been a struggle for me throughout our marriage... my mental and emotional health got worse and worse. I struggled with paranoia. At times, I was even suicidal, though thankfully I'm no longer in that state-of-mind.

For several years, I was able to cope with these feelings by pouring everything into my work... finding fulfillment through my career... but recently... when we went into quarantine last year... these feelings started to come out. Once we were together 24/7, things just boiled over in me and I really started to feel resentment toward her. I started struggling with intense feelings of hurt and grief for lost years of our sex life... and silly as this may sound, I REALLY began to resent all the years I spent not watching movies or TV shows for her... and then sometime last year, I just started watching them. I felt like I didn't know why I was sacrificing anymore... and I started watching things I wouldn't have before... but it was almost like too much, too fast for me. Like a switch tripped in my brain and once I saw naked women on screen, it was all I wanted. Maybe I'm addicted, or maybe I was just starved. Or maybe it's just my guilt... I've always struggled with guilt. So, I've been wrestling with this.

Sometimes I go weeks without looking at such images... without watching movies with nudity... but then I start to get frustrated again. I have talked to my wife about it a LOT over the past year. She knows and understands my frustration. She is on a journey of self-discovery herself and suspects that she is on the Autism spectrum... maybe Asperger's, and that has likely made communication difficult for us. Also, I have my own emotional baggage going back to my childhood. There is a lot of stuff that we've just never dealt with, together or individually. For years, I tried to share my sexual frustration with my wife, but she wasn't open to talking about it. She is now, but in some ways... I'm sad to say, I've almost lost interest. That breaks my heart, because I wanted her more than anything for years... but after so much rejection, I just kind of gave up. Now that she's ready to try, it's harder for me.

I think that we both likely need therapy... maybe couples counseling at some point, or a sex therapist... yet in the meantime, I still find myself sexually frustrated and it's not easy to avoid temptation. I'm not even sure it's wrong at this point, which is a strange thing to admit... my wife and I are both longtime Christians... but this, on top of many other things, has really shattered my faith.

And so yes... sometimes I watch movies like that... am I proud of it? Well, no... I mean, it doesn't make me feel good about myself... but neither has the rejection I've felt all these years. And the fear that I'd hurt her all those years almost drove me crazy with guilt and anxiety. So, I can't speak for the men in your life... I can only speak for myself... but just know it's possible that some of these guys are just as damaged as you are and are seeking out porn or nudity because of their own low self-esteem or insecurities. It doesn't mean they don't love you. I'm not defending the men who say cruel things to you... and again, I'm not disregarding anyone's feelings. I just know that this is true in my case... that I am emotionally damaged, hurt and frustrated and that seeing such images does something for my shattered self-esteem... even if just for a moment. I'm not saying it's right or defending it at all... I'm not here to argue that with any of you. Just know that sometimes, there is a lot more going on under the surface.

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Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2021 8:53 am

Re: Phobia of boyfriend watching shows with sex and nudity in

Postby krystal » Sat Jul 10, 2021 8:57 am

Hey, I emailed yesterday to see if I can join you girls. I’ve been going through the same thing since becoming pregnant, my baby is now 10mths and am still struggling. I’d love to join your Facebook group. You all describe exactly how I feel!

Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jul 14, 2021 4:45 am

Re: Phobia of boyfriend watching shows with sex and nudity in

Postby yeahsophia » Wed Jul 14, 2021 4:55 am

I'm right there with the rest of you. I found this by Googling because I felt alone in my thinking. I agree with a lot of you that have stated that if naked men were shoved in their faces in movies, video games and music then maybe they'd start understanding better. I truly don't want to care but do some reason I do and I can't shake it. This is honestly the first relationship where I have cared about it, which is bizarre because in all others I didn't care at all or even care about their "celebrity crushes". Just the thought of my husband looking at another naked body that isn't mine, or having any potential small amount of "lust" for someone else makes me furious and sick to my stomach...

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Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2021 3:40 pm

Re: Phobia of boyfriend watching shows with sex and nudity in

Postby beatricemom » Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:33 am

I didn't think there was such a phobia. I myself do not like many candid moments in films, because they were filmed "tasteless". Although in some films (for example, in "Gone in 60 Seconds") intimate scenes are very aesthetic. Therefore, when my husband wants to watch something frank, or some kind of action or horror movie, I retire and watch what I like. [Edited by moderator to remove link]
Last edited by ModeratingTeam on Fri Jul 23, 2021 1:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited by moderator to remove URL

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