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I need help dealing with a friend

Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 9:30 am
by bradjenkins
So, I have a friend of mine (35) who is a lovely guy. Goes to the gym each night, watches what he eats, overall good guy. But a little different. Can't never seem to get his business off the ground and given we all work in a massive open office environment, he's constantly going over to ask people for advice but never actually ever executes anything....

I thought I'd help him out a bit - it turns out he lost his mum when he was 8 - and has had therapy since, then till now - every Monday. And when things don't go his way, or you tell him to buckle down he gets very nasty and defensive. He's a good guy - but he takes the smallest thing personally. I'm getting to the end of my tether with him but I also realise this is bigger than his personality....

any tips or am I straight up just a horrible person?

Re: I need help dealing with a friend

Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2018 10:20 am
by capitalt
Perhaps this is something he needs to discuss with his therapist ?
I guess the issue is how do you suggest that to him.
Good luck.

Re: I need help dealing with a friend

Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2018 9:32 pm
by upwards-is-the-aim
Get him to buy books like geting things done - a famous one

Ask him what he is aiming to achieve today - up to 3 things is enough for starters

And to write down what they are and give you a copy of those three things

And then the next day you get a new list and can ask about yesterdays
And why they did not get done

Start simple and small

Re: I need help dealing with a friend

Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 9:23 am
by deanar
Hi, this sounds like a really difficult position to be in. I'm no expert, that's for sure, but that sounds like a lot of therapy. The poor guy what a terrible age to lose his mum and what devastating effects that would have, but I just can't help thinking that 27 years, every Monday is some therapy stint?!
I mean, is it possible that someone can get stuck in grief because that was the reason that they began therapy?
Obviously the only way to help him is to be supportive & maybe ask does he want to talk (though it sounds like you did that already?) and would it be possible to suggest that he try something other than therapy now? I am all for therapy, I advocate it, but part of it is knowing when to move on and live without therapy being a 'crutch' isn't it?
I don't think I'd suggest that he 'gave up' therapy because maybe that is not a good idea and if he did, he might blame you if he didn't cope so well, but if he did try something else then he may slowly move more toward that and away from therapy??
I don't know, maybe it's me, like I say I'm no expert and there could be a million reasons why he still goes, but it is a long time & therapy as effective as it can be, they say too much of anything isn't good?
Maybe if you found a book about therapy and how it can be addictive or difficult to move away from & said you thought he might find it interesting.
If he didn't have to go so deep into his feelings every monday of his life and did something for fun that could be what helps him. We all need to have free time doing something just for fun, could it be that that is what he's missing? Sounds like a week of work, the gym, therapy & a healthy diet could be a life that's a bit too serious.
Could you start having a pub quiz on a Monday night? Lol, why not? Or find something that you and a few others can only do on a Monday night, something fun.
I could be way off the mark here, just a thought, trying to help, hope it works out okay for you, he's a friend and you care but you can only take so much snapping back! Good luck

Re: I need help dealing with a friend

Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2019 8:17 am
by ralphmcdonald
I think this guy suffered a lot after losing his mum. Because of this, he might become a nasty and defensive type personality.

Sometimes situation changes the personality. In such a situation, the guy needs the only thing that is emotional support. Talk to him and ask for the reason what makes him so uncomfortable. Also, make him feel that you are there to solve his problem and help him out to realize the things right or wrong to make a better personality.

Re: I need help dealing with a friend

Posted: Wed Mar 06, 2019 9:49 am
by vitasw
Hi bradjenkins,

Some good suggestions have been made already.

I'm not sure how close friends you are, but it's possible there's a lot more going on than you are aware of, if he has a complicated mental health history or other things going on in his life he may have just given you a simple answer rather than gone into it all.

I'm also wondering if he has he always been this way or is it recent? Is he like this all the time or just at work? Of course, the loss of a parent can have long term repercussions, but there could also be more recent or situational issues at play.

Obviously, you are not a bad person. I think ultimately that the best thing friends can do is make it clear that they are always willing to talk and listen and offer their support. x