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Unsure where to begin... (TW suicide attempt).

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Joined: Sun Aug 15, 2021 12:46 am

Unsure where to begin... (TW suicide attempt).

Postby courtney-j » Sun Aug 15, 2021 1:15 am

I don’t quite know where to start, so I’ll try and keep things simple. I have a history of self harm and disordered eating that began when I was around 12. For as long as I can remember, anxiety and depression have been a constant in my life, though, like everyone, I have bad days and better days. I’m 22 now, and around 2 months ago was hospitalised following a suicide attempt in which I cut my wrist. I underwent corrective surgery and was discharged a few days later, having been referred to mental health services for support with counselling and medication. I wanted so much for myself and everyone around me to be ok, and I focused on creating as much normality as possible. I went straight back to work, putting on a front of self deprecating jokes and positivity. I wanted to convince myself and others that I really was fine, that I had all the right resources in place and was moving forwards - but I’m not sure I even know how to. Being hospitalised was scary, and memories of my attempt and the aftermath are always at the front of my mind. I feel guilty and ashamed, worried that I will cause further distress to my friends and family. I have been left with a scar that is very visible and painful, both in a physical and figurative sense: it is a constant reminder and trigger. This was the lowest I have ever reached, and I don’t know how to begin to pick myself up. I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts, and I hope that anyone reading this, for whatever reason, knows that they are not alone <3
- CJ

Posts: 149
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Unsure where to begin... (TW suicide attempt).

Postby epitaph » Sun Aug 15, 2021 9:44 pm

Hello courtney-j,

Without wishing to sound crass welcome to the forum.

For me your post nicely summarised where you are and what has happened to you. As I hope someone has told you and you no doubt already know, a major trauma takes time to recover from.

So let's get a few things straight...
1. It takes courage to post here, well done!
2. It takes strength to admit there is a problem and help is needed, well done!
3. Please, Please never in anyway feel ashamed about what has happened to you in the past or your physical appearance as this as it is not your fault (I could say this a million times to you!) Perhaps invent some narrative to help you describe your scar both to yourself and others, such as "bloody shark attacked me while snorkelling in the Red Sea" or "caught my wrist after being dumped by a huge wave on Bondi beach" or "tripped whilst pissed in the kitchen and landed on all the empty Stella cans lying on the floor", you get the picture! (I tend to go for something amusing to others).
4. Your family and friends will always love you for who you are
5. Be honest and kind to yourself

From your description it feels as though you attempted to do "too much, too soon", when gentle steps with a gradual return with continued and regular counselling and medication would have been a safer route given past experiences. Perhaps (and I can relate to this), your desire to be well and appear well provided the ideal opportunity to mask your real self, partly to please others as well as yourself and partly to provide protection to how you were really feeling. Work may be a distraction but we all take time to heal and need to be kind to ourselves, stuff comes out of the closet when stuffed in...

Lastly have no hesitation whatsoever in reaching out to others for help as there really is nothing to be ashamed of and always know that you are never alone. As I would always hold your hand!

Take care

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