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Intrusive Negative Thoughts

Posted: Sun May 16, 2021 8:01 pm
by nateybones

I'm Nate. I am new to the board and I was just wondering if anyone suffers with intrusive negative thoughts? As in your own thoughts, not other voices. I struggle with them during certain times in my cycle and they're draining because I struggle to convince myself not to believe them. I ask for reassurance but there's only so much my fiancé can do.

I am looking at CBT counselling but I'm currently having counselling with FirstSteps for an dysfunctional eating.

Hope you're all ok currently. :)

Re: Intrusive Negative Thoughts

Posted: Mon May 31, 2021 3:40 pm
by paulshipmansmith
Negative thoughts can happen when we are lacking self-confidence, feeling stressed, anxious or depressed.
These negative thoughts intrude your mind and it's hard to keep reassuring yourself that these are only thoughts.
The search for reassurance is often unsated.
Let's be honest. When negativity and self-doubt comes to mind....Who can convince us otherwise?
It becomes much clearer when you talk about this happening around your cycle. Not from your latest post, but from the recent reply you gave to a fellow user.
Firstly, you talk about your own experience of depression from a young age and also mention the possibility of a personality disorder.
It's good to read that you have been together for so long. It's such a shame that your wedding plans have been disrupted by the Covid pandemic. This must have been stressful.
The coronavirus is devastating in itself, yet the lockdowns, restrictions and disruptions can ruin lives - and put serious strain upon relationships as well.
When we are at a delicate point in our lives, the loyalty, trust and security we expect in our relationships can become fragile. Depression and eating disorders may encourage further feelings of insecurity.
Reading further, it starts to become clearer that the central cause of your relationship anxiety is focused around you trying for a child. For both of you, wanting a baby has now become the central objective of your relationship - to a point where the sexual pleasure and romantic intimacy has diminished.
The negative, intrusive thoughts seem to coincide with your cycle. The sex is a purpose. A chore that needs to be done in order to achieve an objective. The baby.
What lies at the very heart? The desire for a baby.
The need for reassurance can become addictive, like a craving that cannot be satisfied.
Is this really going to be all about the baby?
Take the future baby out of the equation. Are you willing to lead separate lives?
Many couples make the assumption that because they were 'mates', following on by becoming 'flatmates' - they will become a happy man and wife partnership.
A 'motion' or 'protocol' is what many aspiring couples adhere to and firmly believe is the correct way to go about things. Although many swear by doing this, it doesn't mean it'll work. One reason couples quickly split up.....
Is your partner ready to become a father?
It may be worth seeking some medical advice about trying for a baby.
Will your partner want to seek medical advice?
A difficult and delicate situation but there may be medical reasons for the difficulty in conceiving.
Trying to find the reason for not conceiving can be an emotionally charged journey.
There are one or two options worth considering.
Is the man in your life serious about starting a family? Is he content just playing his computer games?
A simple life without too much responsibility. A good arrangement for someone either single or with a like-minded partner.
On the other hand. What if one half seriously wants to build a home and start a family?
Or. Even without building a home, family and so on....Do you want more out this relationship than just playing computer games?
Could you consider a relationship without children? Many couples have a thriving, wholesome and passionate relationship without raising children.
How will you both feel without the pressure of trying for a baby? The reduced stress of trying may increase sexual desire.
Put aside 'trying for a baby' and look into what many other things you could do as a couple - and as two separate people.
On another positive note. Without the pressure of trying for a baby, you may find that your chances of conceiving could improve. More intimacy, less pressure and (hopefully) more sex.
It's definitely worth considering.
With regard to discussing how you feel without your partner feeling attacked or being moaned at. This raises the issue of what you both want.
You seem to have fear - in thinking that you should not be together. Could this be the case?
Is this desire for starting a family causing a wedge between you both - driving you further apart?
Take a step back and 'check in' on your own needs - such as how you are feeling at present. Your partner may feel more relaxed while you take this important first step.
You are receiving counselling for an eating disorder. Further counselling may help you to address your relationship insecurities and feelings surrounding your quest for a baby.
Time to ask yourself how you really feel.
Reflecting on your life in general through counselling may help you to make some important life decisions.
You may find it helpful as a couple, to read books on improving your sex life/relationship - and could discuss what you both want from a sexual/pleasure point of view.
Try looking at doing more activities as a couple - or, if you like doing your own things - arrange mutual activities such as eating and drinking in the same room as regular as possible.
Even on the subject of computer games. Share with each other what you are playing and make the time to play together - even though you each prefer a different make of games console.
Although expensive and subject to lockdown restrictions easing, try going out as a couple from time to time - even just the local pub, cafe or fast food restaurant. Just for something different.
Would relationship counselling with a view to exploring the intimate part of your relationship help? Worth looking into when the Covid restrictions ease.
There is a lot to think about. Consider where you are with this relationship, where you want it to go and how it will effect you both in the long term.