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Reaching Out

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2021 6:38 pm
by roseyj
Who do you reach out to? I feel like everyone at the moment is having such a hard time I do not want to burden them with my anxiety. How do you handle this? I have one conversation a day with my mum but I feel my job is to be upbeat. She lives alone and is managing well. I dont want to bring her down. My sister is struggling with depression. My best friends dad has cancer.

I dont think I am a selfish person but I think anxiety is a very selfish disease. One which of course none of us chooses. But thats how it gets me. It tells me that I should shake myself out of it or that I should count myself lucky. I do. But it doesnt change how I feel. Its so unfair how it isolates, like a bully in your head telling you not to tell anyone.

But I just wondered how do you all reach out. When your circle of friends or family have "real" issues how do you externalise whats going on inside you.

Tips please :)

Re: Reaching Out

Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2021 12:36 am
by charlotte-
Hi there,

I don't know quite know how to support you. I'm sure you've read articles or people have told you to distract yourself, take each hour at a time and to make sure you eat/exercise. But I know that none of those things really help because that feeling is always there. So, my support is telling you that I feel the exact same as you. I hear you. You have written so eloquently and I really could not have described it better myself. So, you are not alone.

I have been struggling a lot with anxiety and depression. My friends have been trying to support me, but they both have things going on and I feel this horrendous guilt that I am also bringing them down. I feel as though I made them feel so much worse as I used to rely on them for support. Now I feel I can't do that. A few weeks ago, I had to go to this dinner party and I was feeling the lowest I had ever felt, and the most anxious I had ever been. I drank too much, blacked out, and I kissed someone who was not my loving boyfriend. He is now no longer speaking to me, and I used to rely a lot on him too. I feel as though I have no one to turn to and no one to support me. I try and talk to my parents too, but they just get angry and frustrated that they can't make things better. So, I am left alone.

This probably hasn't helped at all, but just know that I understand your feelings and you are not alone. We are in this together.

The way you have described your anxiety just shows what a lovely and caring person you are. You are so selfless and I admire you so much. But please remember that your feelings are just as valid. They may have more 'serious' things going on, but there is a reason you feel the way you. And that deserves recognition and support. Don't ignore it or try and cover it up. You are worthy of leaning on others to support you. And I will try to do that if you want a friendly ear to talk to whenever. But please know that you must look after yourself, and be a little selfish (although that is the wrong word because getting help with your inner demons is a courageous act and it should never be thought of negatively). From your short little message, I can see that you have a beautiful soul, and that will carry you through. You just need a little guidance to help you get there.

I'm so sorry if this hasn't helped at all, but please message if you just want a chat.

Warmest wishes,
Char

Re: Reaching Out

Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2021 5:12 pm
by epitaph
Dear Roseyi,

Welcome to the forum!

Yours is such a great post that so many people must also struggle with that truly deserves a great response... I so wish I could provide one :)

Who do you reach out to? I feel like everyone at the moment is having such a hard time I do not want to burden them with my anxiety. How do you handle this? I have one conversation a day with my mum but I feel my job is to be upbeat. She lives alone and is managing well. I dont want to bring her down. My sister is struggling with depression. My best friends dad has cancer.

I dont think I am a selfish person but I think anxiety is a very selfish disease. One which of course none of us chooses. But thats how it gets me. It tells me that I should shake myself out of it or that I should count myself lucky. I do. But it doesnt change how I feel. Its so unfair how it isolates, like a bully in your head telling you not to tell anyone.

But I just wondered how do you all reach out. When your circle of friends or family have "real" issues how do you externalise whats going on inside you.

Tips please :)


I can only tell you what I do and what I've learn't ...

Firstly like you I don't feel able to discuss, describe or disclose how much I'm suffering with my family or partner, partly as I don't want them to worry on my account. I realise that many here will think that this is so wrong or a mistake, it's just as a family we already have enough to deal with. I do share when I'm not feeling great or that I need to take some time out to go for a walk and chat with friends but I'd never disclose the true extent of what I suffer from. Part of the reason is that my MH state was made a lot worse as a consequence of the actions/reactions of others and I don't feel able to disclose this to my partner without causing unnecessary hurt.

Back to your question, probably the answer is to see a therapist (which I don't have), as this person then becomes a reliable, stable outlet that is trained to recognise and respond to ones needs with constructive techniques. The problem with relying on friends is that there comes a point when they let you down possibly as a consequence of them not understanding just how critically important it is to you to be able to meet up and talk some times. One then learns to manage disappointment and sometimes rejection too when one is already at a low point.

What provides great relief to me though is just talking and connecting with other people; I'm not after advice and I don't tend to talk about what I'm suffering from, but just being able to have a normal conversation about just about anything else is enough as this one activity rests my mind. It was during lockdown one that I started to realise that I was suffering, then with release it became painfully apparent that I needed help and would need to invest time and effort in looking after my MH a lot more carefully and that this is not something that any of us should just take for granted.

Dear Charlotte,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering from something like this and hope that you are feeling better by the time you read this. "We are all human and sometimes we make mistakes it comes with the territory". It might feel as though there is not much you can do to change the thoughts in your head, but there are plenty of things that you can do that "given time" do definitely help, maybe not much, but any improvement is an improvement and worth it in the end!

I can appreciate that your BF might be feeling let down, betrayed or even angry, I so wish I could have a quiet word with him as the one thing you never ever do to someone who is or has been suffering from any form of MH issue is not permit them to talk to you. This is the cruelest thing of all. For me there is perhaps a difficult conversation with your BF after which he needs to realise that you are truly sorry for what has happened and he needs to support you, as that is what kind people do! (a true friend is there for you through thick and thin, not just when you are fun to be with!).

Sadly this forum does not provide private chat capabilities, I just hope what I've written provides some comfort to you both ...

Take care !

Re: Reaching Out

Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2021 7:19 pm
by roseyj
Thank you to both of you for your comments. It really did help to read that I am not alone in my way of thinking....I think that was really important to know because sometimes I imagine that other people who feel like I do have a easy remedy. Or even a big support network just there for them. I guess maybe that makes the situation worse because then I think not only am I anxious I have the added thought process of and no one cares, or my sadness is not worth a place.

So I think with your replies I can now at least challenge that part and know that whilst the anxiety is still there I'm not the only one managing it alone. There are probably lots of people feeling the same way and whilst that is sad it makes me feel less of a loser (I write that with a smile). We are a silent secret anonymous tribe. Struggling on the inside and smiling on the outside.

It has really helped to reframe and the outlet was to have written it down in this forum and to be replied to felt nice :)

Having anxiety and depression is often talked about as an invisible illness and it is so underestimated. Thank goodness for forums like this.

Re: Reaching Out

Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2021 10:50 pm
by epitaph
Dear roseyj

You are so welcome ! Rest assured that if I could take away your pain I so surely would as I know (as well as many others) what it feels like. Struggling with MH on the inside whilst smiling on the outside pretty much sums it up. Having a means to ease that pain however small for however fleetingly provides such a release.

Always being kind to others as well as oneself certainly seems to help ones own well being.

Wishing you every happiness for the future... :)