Welcome to the forum!
Yours is such a great post that so many people must also struggle with that truly deserves a great response... I so wish I could provide one
Who do you reach out to? I feel like everyone at the moment is having such a hard time I do not want to burden them with my anxiety. How do you handle this? I have one conversation a day with my mum but I feel my job is to be upbeat. She lives alone and is managing well. I dont want to bring her down. My sister is struggling with depression. My best friends dad has cancer.
I dont think I am a selfish person but I think anxiety is a very selfish disease. One which of course none of us chooses. But thats how it gets me. It tells me that I should shake myself out of it or that I should count myself lucky. I do. But it doesnt change how I feel. Its so unfair how it isolates, like a bully in your head telling you not to tell anyone.
But I just wondered how do you all reach out. When your circle of friends or family have "real" issues how do you externalise whats going on inside you.
I can only tell you what I do and what I've learn't ...
Firstly like you I don't feel able to discuss, describe or disclose how much I'm suffering with my family or partner, partly as I don't want them to worry on my account. I realise that many here will think that this is so wrong or a mistake, it's just as a family we already have enough to deal with. I do share when I'm not feeling great or that I need to take some time out to go for a walk and chat with friends but I'd never disclose the true extent of what I suffer from. Part of the reason is that my MH state was made a lot worse as a consequence of the actions/reactions of others and I don't feel able to disclose this to my partner without causing unnecessary hurt.
Back to your question, probably the answer is to see a therapist (which I don't have), as this person then becomes a reliable, stable outlet that is trained to recognise and respond to ones needs with constructive techniques. The problem with relying on friends is that there comes a point when they let you down possibly as a consequence of them not understanding just how critically important it is to you to be able to meet up and talk some times. One then learns to manage disappointment and sometimes rejection too when one is already at a low point.
What provides great relief to me though is just talking and connecting with other people; I'm not after advice and I don't tend to talk about what I'm suffering from, but just being able to have a normal conversation about just about anything else is enough as this one activity rests my mind. It was during lockdown one that I started to realise that I was suffering, then with release it became painfully apparent that I needed help and would need to invest time and effort in looking after my MH a lot more carefully and that this is not something that any of us should just take for granted.
Welcome to the forum!
I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering from something like this and hope that you are feeling better by the time you read this. "We are all human and sometimes we make mistakes it comes with the territory". It might feel as though there is not much you can do to change the thoughts in your head, but there are plenty of things that you can do that "given time" do definitely help, maybe not much, but any improvement
is an improvement and worth it in the end!
I can appreciate that your BF might be feeling let down, betrayed or even angry, I so wish I could have a quiet word with him as the one thing you never ever do to someone who is or has been suffering from any form of MH issue is not permit them to talk to you. This is the cruelest thing of all. For me there is perhaps a difficult conversation with your BF after which he needs to realise that you are truly sorry for what has happened and he needs to support you, as that is what kind people do! (a true friend is there for you through thick and thin, not just when you are fun to be with!).
Sadly this forum does not provide private chat capabilities, I just hope what I've written provides some comfort to you both ...
Take care !