I have realised after a long time I’m the reason people leave. The current people in my life always tell me that I’m an amazing friend and that they will never leave me, but they do eventually. I figured out a few things about why people would leave.
1. My emotional instability
By this I mean I have massive mood swings all the time. I can be fine and then something small will set me off or I’m angry and one simple thing makes me calm. I can go from being soft spoken and quiet to energetic, random and overall just chaotic. I don’t expect people to understand and accept that I’m like this cause I can’t and don’t know quite how I’m like this.
At the moment I think this is one of the reasons people I care about are becoming less friendly and less emotionally invested. But at the same time it might just be me being an over thinker and that’s another reason why people leave.
2. Overthinking & Blaming myself
I over think a lot. I overthink peoples slightest change in their tone and wording to what they would usually talk and act like. And I always come to the conclusion of it being my fault, I did something to make them upset. And when I confront them about my suspicions, they get up set that I think it’s my fault and they it’s something so simple such as they are just tired. I bug them and triple check that they are ok and are telling the truth. And people end up thinking I’m very overbearing and nosy. I don’t mean to be I just care. When I care about someone I give 101% of all my love and I just want them to be happy... even if I’m not part of it in the end.
3. My Depression
This kinda ties in with my emotions but it’s cause of my depression that I make bad and depressing jokes about committing suicide and self harm. I normally say them in a happy and upbeat tone as to not cause concern and it normally just gets a weirded out chuckle and we move on from there.
On the bad days I can’t manage to make a happy voice or even talk so on those days I either don’t talk to people at all and just stay silent or avoid any and all contact with other people when necessary. And people end up asking me what’s wrong and why am I so quiet or they try contact me. I do appreciate them trying to be there for me but somedays I just can’t handle anything so I ignore everyone and just be by myself. I make them feel like I don’t care and that I don’t like them so they give me the same attitude sometimes without meaning to, but they soon feel that way.
4. Overprotective & Boisterous
There have been many times where I have been called a violent psychopath or boisterous or dangerous. It’s not fun being called these things especially since I believe that those statements aren’t true. I know I am overprotective. I will stand by my friend and I will not let them be bullied or mistreated. I got the nickname “Guard Dog” and “Rottweiler” back in secondary school. I took a few hits for some friends and I delt a few too. And I am not a girly girl I’m very much a tomboy. Every now and then I do girly stuff but I’m more into video games, rugby, roughhousing and other silly guy like stuff. I played rugby once at school and made girls cry as I was “too rough” and was “more like a boy”. Didn’t get to play much after that.
5. I’m Boring & Have Too High Of Standards
By this I mean I was apparently never much fun as I was as said above way too over protective. I made sure to plan when we went on school trips and I’d be the one to always take responsibility. I wouldn’t skip class or skip school without a decent reason. People stopped being my friend after a while as “ I was more like a mum then a friend”.
The thing with the standards is a bit harder to explain, if you don’t understand let me know and I’ll try explain again.
Basically, I have my moral code and what my does and do not’s are and I keep myself to them pretty much religiously. Certain things like, don’t leave people on read, make sure to call someone back straight away, hold open doors for people and other usual stuff. And for some reason, ever since I was a child, I get so upset when someone does have the same kind of morals as me. Not over something very small but say over something like I would never cheat on someone but someone thinks cheating is okay to do as long as they don’t get caught. Or if I see someone spit on the ground for no reason. I just get so funny about it all. With my friends they don’t like my morals and all the stuff cause it makes them feel bad and like I’m looking down on them when I am most certainly not. I always say “it’s your life do what you want as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others” as soon as they hurt themselves or others thats when I become over protective or talk to them about what they did which was wrong.
6. I’m Genuinely Weird
I say the most random stuff, which doesn’t even make any sense. And I burp like a bloke. I have a weird sense of humour. I am just weird. Sometimes I don’t even know I’ve said anything until people are reacting to it it just comes out. I can’t help it. I just feel like an out cast in pretty much every place I go. Maybe I feel like I fit in for a little while then people see the real me and they leave. I can’t say I blame them.
I’m so scared of being abandoned I just scare people away. I’ve lost a lot of people I’ve cared about this year and if I lose the friends I’m worried I’m about to lose it will break my heart. If I lose them I will just end up spending all day in bed cause playing games isn’t fun alone all the time and I will just give up with friends after that. The heart break at the end of the day is just too painful. I get attached way too quickly and when they leave it’s unbearable. Even just thinking about being the cause of losing anymore friends just makes me want to commit suicide. What the point in living when you just ruin everything you touch.