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Telling my friend about my SA and R from my ex *Trigger warning sexual assault and rape*

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wheezy0409
Posts: 42
Joined: Sun Nov 15, 2020 3:37 am

Telling my friend about my SA and R from my ex *Trigger warning sexual assault and rape*

Postby wheezy0409 » Mon May 17, 2021 12:12 am

⚠️TW⚠️ Sexual Assault and Rape

Honestly, I know I shouldn’t have told him. I had told myself before hand that I knew exactly what he was gonna he like and what he was gonna say. For once I was right. I wasn’t being paranoid and I wasn’t being overly anxious. I was right.

I had told another close friend before what happened with my ex and I told them I didn’t think I should tell my other friend. They tried to convince me that it was gonna be fine and that of course they would believe me and be wanting to comfort me. They were wrong.

The reason I wanted to tell this friend is because we had been so close for two years and I trusted them loads. And the only reason I didn’t think he would believe me was because he was also friends with my ex. But me and this guy were meant to be like best mates. He was like one of my best guy friends and now I honestly don’t know anymore.

So I messaged him just to talk and he asked me if I was ok, and that day I was honestly really struggling with all the trauma, so I said no and that I want to tell him why but I don’t want to risk him being mad or not believing me. He then spent ten or so minutes convincing me that he’ll believe me and that he is there for me. So I told him. And he said “that is some really serious accusations” no shit they are. He ended up defending him saying “I know him” “I spend so much time with him and he’s no capable of something like that” “are you sure you aren’t being sensitive” “maybe you saw it in the wrong way” “I’m sure he didn’t mean it” “I’m not saying I don’t believe you I’m just saying that I know he wouldn’t do that.” Honestly, that broke my heart. I wasn’t and I’m still not wanting to get my ex in trouble or get put away. I just wanted support from one of my closest friends and that happened. I ended up telling him to just drop the subject cause the more he defended him the more it hurt and the more I hated him. We talked a little more then stopped messaging that day and we haven’t talked since. It hurts that he hasn’t checked up on me and it hurts how he is so deep in bro code bullshit that he can’t even see how shitty he’s being. I still care about him and I still want to be his friend but he’s really hurt me. He also said “maybe you didn’t make it clear you didn’t want sex” and I told him “is pushing him away and saying no not clear” and he just ended up defending him again. As I said I’m not trying to get him in trouble I just wanted support but all I got was the thing I feared most: being told I was being overly sensitive/a liar.

I literally told him having these memories and this trauma just makes me want to kill myself and he still thinks I am being sensitive. He even asked me for my definition of sexual assault and rape like what the actual fuck.

He’s not a bad person but this shit is disgusting and I just don’t know how to think or feel about him and this. Please can you guys tell me what you think cause I’m at a loss

epitaph
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Telling my friend about my SA and R from my ex *Trigger warning sexual assault and rape*

Postby epitaph » Thu May 27, 2021 5:49 pm

Hi wheezy0409,

OK - I believe you!

From your description of events it feels to me that you now deeply regret telling your male friend what happened as a consequence of both his response (disbelieving, you saw it the wrong way, perhaps you got it wrong etc), in conjunction with breaking off all communication (aka the silent treatment etc). When you were looking for some support and empathy by describing what happened ...

Is this not one of the classic scenarios of, "why o why did I say that to them when I knew how they were going to react". At the same time the content that was conveyed (along with possibly the manner in which it was described if you were having a down/traumatic day) was/is too much for the friendship to bear. Such that it breaks under the strain with both parties feeling even more hurt, pain and disappointment as a result, which hurts even more as you are already at a low point.

Perhaps the real question is how does one repair a friendship when one or both sides is not wanting to discuss or engage following either disclosure, argument or disagreement ? This is hard as both parties are most likely suffering but neither may feel able to reach out to each other! Further the content might be so extreme that neither feel like involving others, thereby leading to continued stalemate/pain as a consequence.

For what it's worth what you have learned is to be very careful who you share this information with. The trouble is that does not provide any solace. So perhaps the next step is to try and work out what is that will make you feel better within yourself ? (even a tiny, tiny bit better is something ...) Such an obvious question, if only the answer and getting there were so straight forward :)

I don't suspect any of the above will be of too much help, but at least someone took a few minutes to write a reply to you.

Take Care...

wheezy0409
Posts: 42
Joined: Sun Nov 15, 2020 3:37 am

Re: Telling my friend about my SA and R from my ex *Trigger warning sexual assault and rape*

Postby wheezy0409 » Thu Jun 24, 2021 5:09 pm

epitaph wrote:Hi wheezy0409,

OK - I believe you!

From your description of events it feels to me that you now deeply regret telling your male friend what happened as a consequence of both his response (disbelieving, you saw it the wrong way, perhaps you got it wrong etc), in conjunction with breaking off all communication (aka the silent treatment etc). When you were looking for some support and empathy by describing what happened ...

Is this not one of the classic scenarios of, "why o why did I say that to them when I knew how they were going to react". At the same time the content that was conveyed (along with possibly the manner in which it was described if you were having a down/traumatic day) was/is too much for the friendship to bear. Such that it breaks under the strain with both parties feeling even more hurt, pain and disappointment as a result, which hurts even more as you are already at a low point.

Perhaps the real question is how does one repair a friendship when one or both sides is not wanting to discuss or engage following either disclosure, argument or disagreement ? This is hard as both parties are most likely suffering but neither may feel able to reach out to each other! Further the content might be so extreme that neither feel like involving others, thereby leading to continued stalemate/pain as a consequence.

For what it's worth what you have learned is to be very careful who you share this information with. The trouble is that does not provide any solace. So perhaps the next step is to try and work out what is that will make you feel better within yourself ? (even a tiny, tiny bit better is something ...) Such an obvious question, if only the answer and getting there were so straight forward :)

I don't suspect any of the above will be of too much help, but at least someone took a few minutes to write a reply to you.

Take Care...


I’m sorry for the late response I have been trying to respond for weeks but I keep getting told it’s invalid. Honestly this experience has made me even more cautious about who I let in and who I can trust. I don’t think we are gonna be ever really be proper friends again in my eyes because I’m here is nothing he can do to repair the trust between us. I really appreciate you responding to me and trying to help. Thank you

epitaph
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Telling my friend about my SA and R from my ex *Trigger warning sexual assault and rape*

Postby epitaph » Thu Jun 24, 2021 8:08 pm

Hi wheezey0409,

You are so welcome!

I've learned the hard way too, it takes a special person to understand and recognise the pain that another person is feeling and going through. Words are like weapons they hurt sometimes. Even more so when one is already at a low ebb, just being able to open up to someone and for them to just listen is so valuable sometimes. Now I'm starting to sound like an advert for a well known charity - :)

Take Care...


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