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Covid vaccination

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
matsalleh
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Feb 03, 2021 5:15 pm

Covid vaccination

Postby matsalleh » Wed Feb 03, 2021 9:33 pm

I work as a teaching assistant in a special needs school. The local nhs trust is vaccinating school staff and my headteacher has arranged for us to be a part of that. I should be happy about it. My family are happy. My work colleagues are happy and have all signed up. I signed up because I know I should. But I'm not overjoyed. I'm... I don't really know. Maybe disappointed?

I've been wishing for a way out of life for the last 4 years. I've had a couple of friends pass away and I've been envious. They don't have to worry about stuff anymore. They don't have to watch the world go down the toilet anymore. But I'm not in a bad enough place to seek out an end. I just want it to end. Something to end it for me. Covid seemed like it might work. I'm close to being vulnerable but not in a way that gets public notice or sympathy. I'm almost 50 and I'm very overweight. I have a fairly low paid, low skilled job.

Since March 2020 I've been elevated to the dizzying heights of key worker status so kids can stay at school. But not the kind of key worker status that anyone really cares about. I'm just a TA. The government couldn't care less about me.

Anyway, I've been secretly hoping that I would catch covid and then not recover. I haven't gone out of my way to catch it. I've been following the rules. I have co-workers and neighbours who have followed the rules and they've caught it. I haven't. And tomorrow I'm being vaccinated and I guess that small hope that my life will end soon will be gone.

I know that this is all wrong and I expect it will make people very angry to read this. I am sorry. If I could give my vaccination to someone more deserving I would.

I think when I started to write this I just wanted to tell someone how I felt and there is nobody in my real world life that I can say this to. It's such a wrong thing to be thinking - so many bereaved families in this country and around the world. How could anybody be sympathetic to what I am feeling?

I should probably delete all of this. Fuck it.

epitaph
Posts: 122
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Covid vaccination

Postby epitaph » Wed Feb 03, 2021 10:23 pm

Welcome to the forum,

Personally I don't have an issue with anything you have said, the last couple of words gave me a laugh too. Getting things of your chest goes on here all the time. The regulars have seen it all before. Incidentally this government does not seem to care for any of us!

I'd say take the vaccination to protect the NHS as well as others less fortunate than ourselves, knowing that this is about giving other people more of a chance of enjoying life, even though you are not getting what you want out of it. Not sure where this leaves you though?........fuck it least somebody replied ;)

matsalleh
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Feb 03, 2021 5:15 pm

Re: Covid vaccination

Postby matsalleh » Thu Feb 04, 2021 12:06 am

Thank you for answering. I don't know where it leaves me either. Same place I've been for a long time. But hey, fuck it, I reached out and spoke to someone. ;)

lol76
Posts: 265
Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2020 10:36 pm

Re: Covid vaccination

Postby lol76 » Thu Feb 04, 2021 12:35 am

Hiya, I can totally understand what you are saying. My parents have just been vaccinated and of course Ill have mine when the time comes but at times when Ive been very depressed or taken over with anxiety my mind has defo taken me to weird places where lots of diseaese/illnesses have felt preferable compared to how I was feeling. Rightly or wrongly you are allowed to say how you feel...good for you for voicing it :D

epitaph
Posts: 122
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Covid vaccination

Postby epitaph » Thu Feb 04, 2021 8:05 am

Dear Matsalleh,

Rest assured that you are not alone in the way you feel and that people will usually respond to you here. So the choice is yours, if it helps in any small way to get whats troubling you off your chest just go for it. Hopefully our replies helped, (if only in a tiny way) either way just know that you are always welcome.

Take care...


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