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Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
rocknrollgypsy
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:52 am

Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby rocknrollgypsy » Sun Nov 22, 2020 1:25 pm

At the best of times, whenever I interact with people, I go over everything I said in my head afterwards multiple times, check it repeatedly if it was a written communication and wonder if I've effed up. Doesn't matter if I'm drunk or sober, I generally worry things I've said/done have bored, upset or offended people or otherwise made me look like a prat.

Of course, these are far from the best of times (debated whether to say they're the worst of times, but as Shakespeare said, "The worst is not So long as we can say 'This is the worst'"). Loneliness is driving me cuckoo, making me seek out company online all over the place and post stuff I am now convinced is drivel. How do I know how much of it really is? And what do I do about it?

tt350z1
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2020 1:12 pm

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby tt350z1 » Mon Nov 23, 2020 1:12 am

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Last edited by tt350z1 on Fri Nov 27, 2020 2:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

rocknrollgypsy
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:52 am

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby rocknrollgypsy » Wed Nov 25, 2020 3:24 am

OK, I guess the response belongs here rather than in Nocturnal Hordes, even though I'm posting it in the middle of the night. Not least, because when you said you found my last botch-up interesting, my first instinct was to respond: "*Snort-laugh* I'll bet ..."

Few points here, which I thought about making elsewhere before deciding that that thread was best not bumped. First of all, the difference autism makes to the whole issue of being accepted or not by people. It's kind of like playing a game where everyone else has the rule book and I don't (even though I've got a bit better as I've read up on it, most non-verbal communication doesn't reach me; intuition is something I seldom get; a lot of the time, I don't spot unwritten rules). And it can also be like the Hunger Games, in that things I never expected because of the aforementioned blind spots can kick off at me at any moment. That led to a lot of bullying and ostracism throughout the education system; thanks to the cult of cultural fit, it's also a massive career impediment.

Then those issues were compounded by the standard 'treatment' for autism spectrum conditions when I was little, namely, Applied Behavioural Analysis. It essentially consists of trying to find out as much as possible about what makes the victim tick in order to manipulate him/her into being the sort of person the tormentors want him/her to be instead of letting him/her be him/herself. So I learnt early on that all the people I was told to rely on were hurtful, for reasons I couldn't understand because I didn't learn what ABA was, let alone that I'd been subjected to it, until a long while afterwards. Hence I developed C-PTSD, characterised by massive difficulties around whom to trust. I've read what is considered the definitive self-help guide for C-PTSD, but it says that when you get convinced that everything you say/do is wrong, you need to consider the evidence to the contrary, and in interactions with others, that's often not forthcoming for me due to the autism-induced issues described in the first paragraph.

(So if I have difficulty trusting anyone, why did I go off piste, so to speak? Well, I signed up here after Elefriends closed, and on Elefriends, the etiquette was that if someone was hiding a detail, you didn't ask: "Is it x?" I guess it's not the same here, just as you can type 'f**k' or 'WTF' on here, but on Elefriends even censored swearing wasn't allowed. However, I didn't know that.)

Note here that I've sought therapy on the NHS because I know I'm too isolated and that it's because of not knowing whom to trust. Too often, I make mistakes and start trusting people without realising I'm doing so because my default mode is not to, then they hurt me badly - and you can imagine how that compounds the pre-existing problems. However, although it was good to vent to someone, the therapist didn't really have anything useful to say beyond telling me to arrange to meet people I considered work friends outside work before they moved on if I wanted to keep in touch with them after they moved on. It'll take more than that to get to the bottom of what's going on, how much can be fixed and how I might go about it.

Which brings me on to the vexed subject of deeper levels of trust. That's the one point where I really took exception to what you were saying. From what we've said so far, I get the impression that you're not daft, but I do think you're generalising your own experience to me. You seem to believe that if someone hasn't had any sexual impulse strong enough to act on it by a certain age, they have a libido that functions the same way as yours, but they're 'denying' it in some way. I did a bit of research about the various terms for people who don't seem to experience lust at first sight and found this on Bustle that explains how it works for me better than I probably could, except that a relationship that started as a friendship is something I haven't experienced because the modern world's timetables for relationships militate against it: https://www.bustle.com/wellness/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual. (And note that assuming everyone's libido functions the same works both ways: a friend of mine is outraged that wanting to get to know someone as a person first is classified as a niche sexuality, because when she was growing up, she says that was just called normal. I guess issues with what is known as theory of mind are not confined to people on the spectrum.)

So, that's where I'm coming from. Is it ideal? No: that's why I'm seeking professional help with it. Is it denying a part of myself? I don't think so. I guess subconscious denial is possible, but for diagnosis of that, I'd look to a professional with whom I'd been in therapy for a while if I ever get a course of therapy that lasts a reasonable amount of time, not a stranger with whom I'd exchanged a few messages on the internet.

epitaph
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby epitaph » Wed Nov 25, 2020 8:21 pm

1st thanks for your posts, thought provoking and with 138 guests and 3 registered users online right now and 91 views people are reading them. My hope and wish is that they along with what I will now write will bring some comfort to others.

In line with this thread, I’m trying to come to terms with the feeling that particularly in what I write that I will subsequently not feel comfortable with. At the time of writing it all seems fine, accurately reflecting my thoughts at the time, then later it feels like rubbish, did I really say that ? sometimes I hardly recognise the words and phrases I’ve used.

Consequently this puts me off communicating with those I care about using social media as I’m afraid that whatever I do say I might subsequently regret, this is particularly the case when reaching out for help, as I’m all to afraid that my request will be rejected or not responded to which then makes me feel even more wretched than I was before. I know this sounds stupid, but as an example just prior to hitting submit on this post, I’ll read it and I’ll feel more or less happy with it, yet after I click I’ll have this creeping feeling of doubt and regret as if I’ve made a complete fool of myself. BTW please don’t judge me here, as all I’m trying to do is convey the issue I recognise and am trying to overcome. [Had to type this all again as I lost the lot due to indecision, just typical, of course it no longer feels anything like as good as my initial effort either!]

Life/Work stress coupled to Covid-19 lockdowns has damaged my Mental Health, it just seems so hard to fix right now, when all I really need is human interaction which I miss hugely. One of the most painful recent realisations is that all I really needed (for years) is someone I could really, really talk to without judgement and who would provide emotional encouragement to me when I need it. Typically I don’t need or want advice, I just need someone to listen.

For me Music provides emotional comfort as well as escapism from my thoughts, so if you are feeling down then invest in some decent ear buds/bluetooth headphones along with a subscription service to a music streaming/download site as there is music to cater for any emotion you need. It is just so powerful the mix of sound and lyrics, with seemingly none of the side effects of drugs or alcohol! (wish I’d followed that advice last night, but needed something to take the edge off).

So woke up this morning listening to this:
London Grammar – Wicked Game Cover
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo80bXy ... rt_radio=1

Then came across this which I like right now due to the mix of sound, imagery and normality with not a face mask in sight, with people just enjoying life like it used to be! Wouldn’t it be so, so nice to just go for a coffee and chat with a decent mate, now what I mean ?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frxy1zs ... rt_radio=1
Last edited by epitaph on Tue Dec 15, 2020 10:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

rocknrollgypsy
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:52 am

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby rocknrollgypsy » Sat Nov 28, 2020 12:50 am

Epitaph, I've read what you said. (Not sure how else one conveys listening on a forum.) I understand what you're saying about the need for human interaction: I wrote a letter to all political parties about the health damage done by loneliness, but none of them bothered to reply. Glad music is helping you and I'm trying to use it to help me as well, but it also reminds me of how the illegitimate authorities have stolen the best MH treatment I have, namely, live music.

epitaph
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby epitaph » Mon Nov 30, 2020 4:40 pm

Dear Rocknrollgypsy,

I'm with you... as I hope anyone would be who has suffered from MH issues.
A real shame we are not in another country aka Denmark, who apparently increase spending on MH each time there is a significant country wide incident/event.

Some things to read
https://www.theguardian.com/science/blo ... ry-denmark

Search on Mental etc
https://www.oecd.org/denmark/Health-Pol ... e-2016.pdf
https://sum.dk/~/media/Filer%20-%20Publ ... 16-dec.pdf

rocknrollgypsy
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:52 am

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby rocknrollgypsy » Thu Dec 03, 2020 2:57 am

I'd sooner more countries acted like Tanzania and didn't impose the nonsensical restrictions that have made my life and therefore MH so much worse this year.

rocknrollgypsy
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:52 am

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby rocknrollgypsy » Thu Dec 03, 2020 5:39 am

And back on topic, my best friend isn't answering emails again. I touched on some of the weirdness that's going through my head in one of them, so now I'm worried I'm saying things that are too crazy for her to deal with.

epitaph
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby epitaph » Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:11 pm

I don't know what you said...

What I have painfully learned is to be very careful (be selective) who I share things with...
(the issue with writing things down is that they can be read over and over again and potentially misinterpreted, the issue with conversation is it can be hard to communicate ones thoughts/opinion clearly).

But when someone does not reply (or not within our expectations of a timely reply) is it not part of the issue that we start to ponder/over think the entire scenario tending to dwell on the things that might cause us to feel potentially most uncomfortable ?

There could be many reasons as to why you have not received a reply, perhaps part of the anguish we feel is that to us, a reply is (really) important, but to your friend it might have less importance and hence is not as high up on her to do list ? Subsequently trying to get this point across is tricky as one might come across as being too needy/demanding to the other person.

I experience similar issues myself, I don't have an answer, I try to make very low key requests that when not responded to as I would like I don't feel quite so put out about. The trouble with this approach is that progress is so slow.... ;)
Last edited by epitaph on Sat Dec 26, 2020 6:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rocknrollgypsy
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:52 am

Re: Convinced everything I say/do is wrong

Postby rocknrollgypsy » Fri Dec 04, 2020 2:05 am

No, it's that I think I've said things that make me sound crazy and hence she finds it better to ignore them. And how do I get any idea of whether that's true or not in the complete absence of a reply?


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