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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

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littleem
Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Oct 08, 2020 12:24 pm

Hi M :)

Honestly, please don't apologise for your posts. It's positive that you feel you have a safe space where you can share what's going on with you. I certainly look forward to hearing from you and welcome any length of post. I mean, have you seen mine? ;) :lol: You could never "go on". <3

How have you been?

Thanks for reading my previous post. I'm glad it managed to express the anorexia mindset clearly.
CBT would help me personally to reduce the impact of the trigger as positive reframing of anorexic thought aids emotion and action accordingly. Repeated practice of CBT reinforces healthier cognition, mood and behaviour, which thus lessens the impact of future triggers.

My new, balanced thought in response to "I am not good enough" became "He chose me".
What I mean is, my boyfriend doesn't have to be with me. He doesn't have to say or do nice things. The negative inner bully and/or anorexic mindset will say otherwise, but I have to learn to accept goodness from others in spite of this. As well, I think not acknowledging, questioning and referring to harmless, innocent, reasonable and 'normal' things he may say/do that trigger me could help. :) There's nothing really that one can do to deal with anorexia-fuelled discomfort other than act on it (obviously, a 'no-no') or sit with it and use distraction techniques.

I feel more relaxed not having to work all day and then race down to see my boyfriend in the evenings and get back home late. I also feel more relaxed about him not seeing me in person, although I expect my anxiety to go through the roof when we can meet again. I also know that this dread would persist irrespective of how much weight I lost meanwhile.

Okay, the next paragraph is quite sensitive, very personal and (I apologise!) potentially T.M.I.
Feel free to dismiss. :)

I feel more relaxed knowing that I don't have to become intimate with him. He's incredibly supportive, patient and reassuring, but (and I've not told him this because I don't want to hurt his feelings as it's not because of him personally) I don't enjoy sexual intimacy. Above all, I enjoy cuddling, I like holding hands and some kissing. I always thought this was due to my negative early exposure and pubescent anorexia having formed a warped perception of sex, sexual intimacy and childbirth as disturbing, disgusting, shameful and something to be feared. In more recent years, I have questioned my sexuality and have put it down to being 'asexual'. He knows all of this and has already said he wants to be with me even if that means no sex and no children of our own.
I understand that physical intimacy is part of a relationship so, whilst my libido is practically zilch, I choose to make this compromise. The only thing he doesn't know (because I don't want him to take it personally and thus hurt his feelings) is that I don't get any pleasure whatsoever from this. I like the fact that he does enjoy this but I don't enjoy, erm, the process of enjoyment. :oops:

My mum hasn't said much, which is good because if she didn't like him or our relationship then loud and clear I would have known ages ago. She, erm, isn't one to hold back. :lol: She's mentioned on numerous occasions that he clearly has fallen deeply for me and that I clearly like him and enjoy his company. :) My dad doesn't ever say much about anything, but he has said he can see how happy I am and I know that he thinks our relationship is a good thing.

I don't know what she would do if I pushed to split.


What do you mean by this? How she would react? (like, is she volatile/violent etc.) Or how she would cope? (i.e. alone, financially, practically and emotionally)
The latter really isn't your responsibility and there is absolutely no need to feel guilty whatsoever.
Does your partner have any family and friends?

From the outside looking in, and considering everything you have shared with me, it seems to me that your best practical option for your relationship to end is to buy her out. As you said, she can't buy you out and there's no way that you can stay with anyone else (plus if you did it would only be temporarily).

I understand that the financial stress is substantial, but is financing the mortgage as a single tenant possible? Are there any ways that the financial aspect could be made easier?

If it is an achievable expense, then I guess it comes down to you weighing up the impact of financial stress against relationship stress. Assess the pros and cons.

If my partner knew I'd told them it would be the end of the relationship.


If you decide to buy her out, could you tell her you've already told your manager and friend at work? Would that make the split easier and more mutual?
Could you tell your family, GP friend or anyone else? Do you think your family already know?

Any updates on your manager? If she wanted "rid of you", she wouldn't turn down other work to support you, she wouldn't do everything she could to make your job better for you and she wouldn't have kept her knowledge of your private relationship in confidence.
There could be a number of reasons why she's looking for another job - personal, financial, stress-related, professional, lockdown-related - and I can assure you the reason is not because of you!!

Remember how you felt about your GP friend that she didn't want to call you? You didn't let this negative thought win and as a result it was affirmed to you that of course she cares about you and wants to call you, meet up and be your friend! :D

Likewise with your boss. :) Could you talk to her about it? Or would she know you'd been looking through her emails? ;) :oops:

So, I heard from my care co. The eating disorder service requested my BMI and whether I was menstruating. (because it's all about the tick box) :twisted: *swallows rant* :roll:
Anyways, I seem to tick the right box this time so, having discharged me at the start of lockdown, they've accepted my care co.'s re-referral and I have an appointment next Friday.
I also have a telephone consultation with the psychiatrist from the CMHT next Thursday.

What's the latest with the CMHT your end?

Now this was a massive post and then some!! :lol:

I hope you are as okay as you can be right now. Take care of yourself.

Much love xxx

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so sad
Posts: 254
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Oct 09, 2020 12:25 pm

Hi Em

Thank you for your reassurance about my posts. I too really look forward to reading yours and I do like a long post to read – feels more connected that way.

CBT definitely seems to work for you which is great. When does your counselling course start? You will be brilliant because you have so much insight in to CBT and that can only be a good thing. Your insight into anorexia is also very deep. I don’t believe that suffering from a condition on its own provides that, its how you’ve worked on it and embraced therapy that gives you that.

I’m impressed with your balanced thought in relation to your boyfriend and its so true. Like you said, he doesn’t have to want to be with you or speak to you but he really, really wants to. You’ve been so open with him so its not like he is liking a version of you, he loves you for you and that’s really powerful.

The anorexia-fuelled discomfort that you talk about reminds me of myself-harm urges as in the choices that are available. I either do it or I sit with the emotions/feelings that are making we want to do it. That’s the harder option by far.

Are you losing weight on a regular basis?

I think working all day then going to his house every night (pre covid restrictions) is a lot to do. You could do with more space than that, time for you just to unwind and relax. It is lovely that you like being with him and that he wants to see you so often but it feels like a lot.

Does he ever go to yours in the evenings?

I understand the sexual stuff. As a teenager when all the other girls were getting boyfriends I really wasn’t interested. It was more than just not fancying them, the whole sex stuff scared me. I didn’t realise for a while that this was partly due to being gay but I also couldn’t imagine myself being with another girl either. I have never slept with a man or been intimate with one. My only intimacy has been with my current partner and that part of the relationship ended about 15 years ago. I’m just not interested. I know this is very different to you, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t have the negative early exposure stuff you did but I still understand the not wanting it. Luckily my partner isn’t interested either (I do sometimes think that is a sign of the bigger picture but who knows). Its good that your boyfriend doesn’t pressure you or have expectations.

You can’t beat cuddling (I don’t get that either though).

If we were to spilt, she would be really shocked because she always assumes that I am more into the relationship than she is. She wouldn’t be violent; it is more about how she would cope. I know that isn’t my responsibility but it kind of feels like it is. She has a nephew who she is quite close to but even without COVID, they have loads of kids so no room for her. I know ultimately, she would want to move into sheltered accommodation but that would take time so I think we would still have to live together even if we weren’t together and that would be a nightmare. I feel out of ideas and trapped.

I need to look into what the mortgage situation would be and take it from there.

I think my family already assume we’re partners. We do everything together and my parents include her in most family events so they treat her as family. I’d be amazed if they didn’t know.

My manager appears to have gone for promotion. There have been a couple more emails about it this week in her inbox. It’s tricky because she told me to keep an eye out for a certain email in her absence and when I saw the 1st one about the job application, the other email hadn’t arrived so I was in there legitimately. The last few days I had no real reason to go in there but I still did. So I could mention it based on the 1st email but I don’t want to. I don’t want to make it about me. My psychologist said I need to talk to her about it but I’m not going to. She knows how I would feel about her leaving so knows it’s a huge deal and it should be about her and not me – if that makes sense. It is awkward because she’ll not know for sure I saw it. So complicated!

Thank you for pointing out the similarities between this and my GP. You’re right but it’s hard to ‘feel’ that. Part of me feels a bit less intense about it as she is trying to get promotion. If she was going for something as the same level, then I would take it more personally.

I’m off work next week so it’s another week when it won’t get brought up.

So glad you’ve heard from the care co and that things are starting to move again.

Do let me know how the appointments go – I’ll be thinking of you.

Spoke to my care co on Monday and he did his ‘simplifying’ thing again. I told him how I can’t cope with noise, particularly rain. I used to love it when I was all tucked up in bed and could hear rain but now it really freaks me out. He really tried to make it sound so simple to sort out. Ear plugs are my only way forward with it but he was all about saying its all fine. That doesn’t work for me.

Hope you're having a decent week and taking care of yourself. let me know how your appointments go and good luck with them.

Love and hugs

Mx

chadneyann
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:08 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby chadneyann » Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:50 am

I’m sorry you’re going through that. I have bipolar disorder as well as ADD. My meds are out of wack. Unable to get out of bed. Crying all the time. I lost my grandmother in August (she was my kindred spirit). I feel like half of me is dead. I have a 16 year old son who I love more than life. Raising a teen is so depressing. He acts like he hates me. The more affectionate I am the more he pulls away. He comes to me when I ignore him, or if I act aloof. I worry about him night and day. I’m actually a therapist (unlicensed), trouble finding a job (afraid to be around people with covid everywhere). I’m not in good health and if I contracted it, I might get very ill. My son gets sick very easily, so I don’t want him to be in jeopardy. Then the great Eddie Van Halen passes. Dear God!

littleem
Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Mon Oct 19, 2020 4:20 pm

Hi M :)

Glad you like a long post. They're my speciality. :lol:

How are you? :)

I started the counselling course the weekend before last. Fifteen of us on zoom. I did feel intimidated with everyone except me being a professional. :roll: One student asked me if I felt I had enough life experience to be a counsellor, which I personally found quite rude. But, I held my own and indirectly suggested she keep her assumptions to herself. I've since withdrawn from the course for several reasons: group dynamic, virtual deliverance, susceptibility to negative emotion and a personal lack of tolerance, self-assuredness and counteracting emotional vigour.
I had to leave the course early to avoid paying any fees. It's strange because I thought I really wanted to do this but now I've left I'm totally indifferent. I guess, deep down, it wasn't really what I wanted. Or maybe, in simple terms: I changed my mind. :)

I was weighed at the eating disorder clinic on Friday. I'm only one kilogram less than I was pre-covid restrictions. This has happened before. My mother panics, convinces herself and me that I've lost weight, then when I'm actually weighed I'm either the same, a smidge less or even more than before! :roll: Anyways, I'm not acting on the anorexia when others are around. I'm more lax when I'm home alone or at work but I guess it cancels itself out so overall I'm fine. Managing it enough for nobody to cotton on that there's an issue, and that's good enough for me. Two more sessions with the eating disorder team and I should be discharged end November/early December from the CMHT and ED services. This was my New Year's Resolution. :D

I had a telephone consultation last week with my psychiatrist, too. My mood is low - more so, recently - but, like the anorexia, it's not of concern. I'm not depressed anymore and it's no wonder I'm a bit low amidst the current situation which is affecting everyone's mental health. I'm managing it.

I've been exhausted recently, though. Could be mood related, but I'm back on the iron tablets so hopefully I'll get that boost like the man off the Berocca advert. :lol: Saying that, some vitamins wouldn't go a miss, too.

After discharge, I'd like to start s-l-o-w-l-y coming off my antidepressants in the new year. Emphasis on the super, mega slowly. I've tried twice previously and the withdrawal was waaaaaay too much. This isn't a priority now.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with self-harm. Thank you for being so open and honest.
You are very strong to be able to make the harder but better choice and I'm proud of you. <3 I hope you don't mind my asking, but are these urges something you presently experience or do you manage the condition/have you overcome it?

Pre-restrictions, my boyfriend would come to mine but mostly it was the other way around due to (covid-related) limited public transport from his town to mine. We're thinking, after Christmas, to start saving and planning to rent a place together. I know that seems fast, but we would be planning it carefully from January - June. Generally, especially nowadays, I tend not to look too far ahead, but nonetheless it's still something positive to hope for. :)
But plenty of time for all that.

I didn’t realise for a while that this was partly due to being gay but I also couldn’t imagine myself being with another girl either.


Thank you for being so open and honest about your sexuality. I can imagine physical closeness with another woman as much as I can with another man, but I don't have the sexual desire for either.
I've not had physical closeness with a woman before. When intimate with my boyfriend a couple of months ago, I unexpectedly had an unpleasant memory and started sobbing! :shock: He was wonderfully supportive. The tears felt, to me, like a release of the pent-up fear, disgust and confusion from a specific memory of my thirteen year old self. It feels like because the damage was done at such a pivotal time of pre-adolescent and adolescent development, it's too late to "re-learn" or "re-develop". Perhaps, regardless of such memories, I would have been asexual anyways. I never thought I'd meet and start a relationship with an asexual man. I certainly never thought I'd even meet a heterosexual man who, whilst having previously been sexually active and whilst wanting to one day become a father, says he wants to be with me for me even if that means no sex and no children of our own.
We've been incredibly honest with each other since the start.

Absolutely no need whatsoever to share unless you want to and/or would find it helpful, but otherwise maybe just think about and try to identify what - or who - changed in your relationship, and why?
Did anything happen specifically those fifteen years ago?
Were either of you ever interested platonically, romantically, physically and sexually?

I send you a virtual friendly cuddle. :)

I think we would still have to live together even if we weren’t together and that would be a nightmare.


Forgive me for speaking out of turn, but isn't this already the elephant in the room?
Things are already difficult now and you feel trapped. Things will continue to be difficult then but you at this point you will both be moving onto something - you, to having more freedom and contentment and your partner onto sheltered accommodation.

How much worse would living together having split up be than living together now?
Would it be manageable, do you think?

Do you think anything could change in the dynamic of your relationship to enable living together to work for you both? For example, do you think you could go forward as housemates who are just friends? Or housemates who are just mindful and considerate housemates?

I'm sorry if I seem to be going on about this (please refer to my speciality of long posts :lol: ), and if my suggestions are way-off. My intentions are genuine and well-meant. :) <3

Please don't take your bosses' job application personally. There are numerous reasons for her seeking a promotion - better pay, better hours, more perks, fresh challenge. (take note that "because of you" is not and will never be on the list!) Any updates on her job situation?

How are the earplugs helping? I'm sorry your care co. is the way he is. :?
Any chance of being able to request a change of care co? You are entitled.

I hope you are as okay as you can be right now. Take care of yourself.

Em xxx

littleem
Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Tue Oct 20, 2020 10:36 am

chadneyann wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through that. I have bipolar disorder as well as ADD. My meds are out of wack. Unable to get out of bed. Crying all the time. I lost my grandmother in August (she was my kindred spirit). I feel like half of me is dead. I have a 16 year old son who I love more than life. Raising a teen is so depressing. He acts like he hates me. The more affectionate I am the more he pulls away. He comes to me when I ignore him, or if I act aloof. I worry about him night and day. I’m actually a therapist (unlicensed), trouble finding a job (afraid to be around people with covid everywhere). I’m not in good health and if I contracted it, I might get very ill. My son gets sick very easily, so I don’t want him to be in jeopardy. Then the great Eddie Van Halen passes. Dear God!


Hi chadneyann,

I'm not sure if you posted on the right thread but whether you did or didn't I just wanted to say thank you for reaching out and that I am sorry to hear you are going through a lot at this time.
I encourage you to keep talking and seeking support. I am here to listen, care, support and help if I can. <3 Are you getting any psychiatric support regarding your medication? Are you getting any support for your mental and physical health? Do you have a support network around you?
I hope you have a brighter week. Take care of yourself. Em xxx

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Oct 20, 2020 3:09 pm

Hi

Sorry to hear that the counselling course didn’t work out. I wouldn’t have been comfortable doing it either. I’m not a fan on anything on line and definitely not with new people. That woman sounds like a bit of a b**ch. Its one thing thinking it but to say it is just unpleasant and meant to upset. You can do without people like that in your life. Whatever reason you decided to cancel is the right one for you. Maybe if we ever get back to any kind of face-to-face tuition you’ll find something you want to do.

I’m glad you’ve only lost a bit of weight – bet your Mum was happy! It does concern me when you said ‘Managing it enough for nobody to cotton on that there's an issue, and that's good enough for me, - do you think that could escalate? I’ve had that thought regarding self-harming and it’s not that its under control just that nobody can see the extent of it which isn’t necessarily a good thing health wise. With that in mind, what support will you get after discharge?

Sorry your mood is low but it’s good you feel you are managing it OK. This situation is definitely hitting people really hard. I spoke to my manager this morning and she told me that a couple of people at work are retiring early because they can’t bear the thought of working from home through the winter. I have to say I’m dreading it.

Are you on many meds? Slow is definitely the only way to come off them. Some are just evil little buggers to get out of your system!! :twisted:

I take some good quality supplements that a nutritionist recommended including a vit b complex, vit D and magnesium. Good luck with the iron and vitamins. Apparently most people are deficient in Vit D as we don’t absorb it very well. I did an NHS vit D blood test that came through the post and I was deficient.

Self harm – I started it 30 years ago and its very much an on-off relationship. DBT helped me stop for a bit but I think that was more about my relationship with my therapist. I desperately didn’t want not to let her down plus it was an indicator of how well the DBT was working. I did learn to lie a bit because I would have been kicked off the course if I had admitted to doing it on a continuous basis. Its something that I currently crave and even fantasise about. I could do what I class as minor stuff but it wouldn’t be enough. The biggest problem is with my partner. She thinks it’s a choice and would go mad if she knew I did it. I did find a spot on my body she wouldn’t notice but again, it was small and didn’t really have the effect I needed. So its an ongoing thing that I’ve never felt I’ve won the battle with.

Moving in together is very exciting and certainly something to look forward to which we all need at the moment. Your relationship sounds so solid with lots of communication which is key. I don’t have that at all. I’m sorry you got so upset but lovely that you were supported by him when you really needed it. He clearly loves you which is brilliant.


I don’t know what changed within the relationship – I think we just moved to a more platonic one more than anything else. We still share a bed but that’s more out of habit and extra warmth in winter. There was a sexual aspect to it but never much. I’ve always been the romantic one, I don’t think she has a romantic bone in her body. Its not helped that she isn’t gay so doesn’t find women attractive. Saying that, she has never shown interest in men whilst we’ve been together. I think she is now at a stage in her life where she can’t be bothered and she just wants to be looked after. To her, I fit that requirement regardless of what I want or need from her.

Thank you for the cuddle – sending you one back. :D

You’re right – it is the elephant in the room. What it comes down to is that I’m a coward and don’t have the guts to do anything about it. I don’t see what is left of my life as worth doing anything about. Some days, I don’t think I have long left because I am so scared of what each day brings and I wonder how long I can tolerate that feeling.
I know I need to stand my ground more. To not allow her to bully me into doing what she wants and when she wants. The more I let her do it, the more she does it.
I feel like I’ve wasted my life through a wrong relationship decision and not tackling my mental health properly. And I know I could have many years left but I don’t know if I want them. Wow, I wasn’t expecting all of that to come out!

Still no news on my manager’s job application. I know interviews are in a couple of weeks so could be another month at least of waiting. I do get why she wants promotion but I can’t help but think I am a factor in there. She rang before and was saying how busy the team are – I’m not and that’s because I’m useless and she can’t give me anything meaty to do because she knows I can’t manage it.

My new earplugs are pretty good and keep most of any noise from bad weather at bay which is what I wanted them for.

My care-co drove me mad yesterday so am thinking about asking for a change. He is a really nice bloke but thinks he can simplify my issues too much. I told him how I wake up full of fear and dread at what could happen. He said to keep a diary to prove nothing bad happens. I understand his logic but just because it hasn’t happened doesn’t stop me fearing it will. Its mainly work related and I am just so vulnerable there. Problem is I could end up with someone worse than him??

How is work going?

Hope you’re OK

Love and hugs

Mx

littleem
Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Oct 21, 2020 6:09 pm

Hey M! :D

Good to hear from you.

Ah thanks. No money lost and no regrets about the course. :)

Managing it enough for nobody to cotton on that there's an issue

I meant "managing it enough for it not to become an issue" as in ensuring that I remain always more in control of the illness than it is of me. (of course, anything beyond this is bonus. :) )I don't fear it will escalate. Support-wise, a 6-monthly check-up with outpatients and the three-year subsequent security of being able to re-refer to community mental health and eating disorder services without any waiting lists. Otherwise, my support network will be predominantly my mother (and her hawk-eyes) and online support through SANE contacts, and then my boyfriend and aunty.

I'm sorry to hear that you're dreading working through winter. Would some positive reframing help? Anything you can do in your home environment to make working from home more manageable? Any perks of remote working that you can take advantage of?

I'm on 200mg sertraline, plus calcium and vitamin D supplements (for osteoporosis) and now the iron supplements. It's the antidepressant I'd like to come off. That's good that you're taking nutritionist-advised vitamins.

So its an ongoing thing that I’ve never felt I’ve won the battle with.

on-off relationship.


I can really relate to what you are saying. Thank you for being so open and honest. Anorexia, for me, has also been a chronic on-off relationship. Perhaps our conditions may not be a battle we each win, but also they are a battle we have not and will not lose. Personally, I've learnt that mental health conditions are to be managed. They certainly are not a choice! Others may say a full recovery is possible - and if so, then that is fantastic - but for me it's been about ensuring the battle is never lost. You are a lot stronger than you may feel. <3
Can you identify any particular triggers and effective self-help techniques?

I was struck by you saying that your partner isn't gay. Do you think she is asexual or do you think she is gay but in denial?
she just wants to be looked after.
Supported accommodation also
fits that requirement

If your relationship is not romantic, friendly, communicative or sexual, then do you think living together whilst having split up would actually be manageable? Do you think it could even help the relationship dynamic if she knew she had the reassurance of being looked after in supported accommodation and you knew that you were free of the relationship and looking forward to more independence and contentment?

Thank you for the cuddle exchange. :)

Woah, woah, woah! You DO have intrinsic worth and your life is 100% worth living! I don't even know you personally, but if anything happened to do I would genuinely be so sad!! Honestly, you are such a lovely person, caring, genuine, honest, resilient, brave, hardworking and intelligent. You matter to so many people. <3 You have not wasted your life. You can't change the past but you can change how you decide to go forward from now. Please keep talking and reaching out to me, your family, your GP friend, the mental health services, your DBT group.... <3

You are definitely not a factor in your bosses' job search. Remember just how much she has done to support you and keep you as part of the team when things have felt tough. You are a valued, specialised and successful employee. You are therefore definitely not useless!!!
I remember you telling me that your area of work is very specific and that there is to be more work coming in the pipeline. So, it seems entirely reasonable that the other staff members are busy if they are focusing on other work. :) Could you ask your boss if you could help lighten the load of your colleagues' work? I also remember you saying that being given work that's not in your own area was an added stress.

I'm glad the earplugs are helping.

Could you at least try his suggestion of keeping a diary? I think it could actually help you seeing that your negative predictions do not come true. :)
Is there anything that could help you feel less vulnerable at work?
There's no harm in requesting you at least try out a new care co. :)

Work is going well enough thanks. Some permanent hours are coming up very soon. I've expressed my interest to my manager and my supervisor. Only thing is that another colleague is going in for it so watch this space I guess.

I'm okay, though. Ish. Heavy on the ish. :roll: Negative thoughts are trying to convince me that my boyfriend is "too busy for me" because of his job (which he absolutely loves). He says otherwise, but I still act quite aloof at times not to seem too available or even remotely needy.
Hope you’re OK

Love and hugs

Em xx

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Oct 23, 2020 3:10 pm

Hi

How has your week been?

'Managing it enough for nobody to cotton on that there's an issue'

I’m sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick about ‘cottoning on’ – I was just concerned for you. It sounds like you’ll have a good support network and nothing gets past your Mum!

On the working front – I think if I was still doing my job then I would be OK with working from home. I have a proper set up now with a desk etc which helps but I’m so lonely. Although I was never one for talking loads in the office I was still surrounded by people and chatting. I could join in if I wanted to or just listen. I miss that. I do speak to my boss a couple of times a week and I have a friend/colleague who wants us to chat at least once a week given how I’m feeling.

I do like not having to travel (although it was only 25 minutes each way and sometimes it was nice to have the radio on and having a sing-a-long). I can have more breaks and it’s a short trip into the kitchen to make a drink. So I can see the good bits but the bad bits outweigh them. More than anything it’s the fact that my job disappeared.

I really do love and appreciate your outlook – you’re far more positive than me and that helps me shift my perspective a bit.

The thing with my partner is that our relationship (same sex) is a one off as far as she is concerned. She doesn’t find women attractive at all but she does find men. If she was ever to go into another relationship, it would definitely be with a man. I do get that for some people, the attraction is with a person, not the gender so they are fluid. Although she doesn’t have a homophobic bone in her body, I do think she worries what her long-term friends would think about our relationship although in my mind, I’m sure they know and they just don’t ask.

I find the whole ‘making a decision about the relationship’ impossible to think about in any detail. I know she isn’t good for my mental health but I don’t have the energy or self-belief to go there.

Woah, woah, woah! You DO have intrinsic worth and your life is 100% worth living! I don't even know you personally, but if anything happened to do I would genuinely be so sad!! Honestly, you are such a lovely person, caring, genuine, honest, resilient, brave, hardworking and intelligent. You matter to so many people. <3 You have not wasted your life. You can't change the past but you can change how you decide to go forward from now. Please keep talking and reaching out to me, your family, your GP friend, the mental health services, your DBT group.... <3

Thank you for such lovely words – it mean a lot. I too would be so upset if anything happened to you…you genuinely make such a difference to me.

I think I struggle with seeing that by bad points far outweigh the good. I live such a false existence. My parents, who think we’re close (and we are to a degree) know nothing about my mental health and that is never going to change as I am not at all comfortable with them knowing. If I ever get to see my sister properly (bloody COVID) I do feel ready to let her in on how my childhood affected me because she thinks I had it easy and she couldn’t be further from the truth (she is a lot younger than me so didn’t see how my parents treatment affected me). I have no real friends – its all so artificial. Honestly, in real life, my life ending would not create a huge ripple.

I’m too scared (weak?) to ask to take on anymore work. Even though I have the time, I’m terrified that I’ll get it wrong and I’ll let people down. That thought destroys me.

I’m glad work is going well for you – fingers crossed you get the permanent hours – when will you find out?

From what you have said, your boyfriend is really, REALLY into you. Maybe he is trying to play it a bit cooler for the same reason you act a bit aloof? Negative thoughts are such a pain in the a**e and its such a shame that they can change the dynamics of our behaviour within a relationship. Could you talk to him about it?

Do you do much on Halloween? We normally trim up outside and encourage trick or treaters. We moved last November and we used to get a lot of families with small children who loved the effort we put in but with COVID there won’t be any this year. Our parish council has set up a village competition of the best decorated house so we’re entering. I’m very competitive!!

Any plans for the weekend?

Hope you’re better than OK’ish

Love and hugs

Mx

User avatar
so sad
Posts: 254
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Nov 09, 2020 6:14 pm

Hi Em

Hope you're doing OK.

I am struggling so badly. I hate my life and how I exist in it. I'm pathetic and weak. My care coordinator is off long term sick so I'm at the whim of whoever is on duty. I rang Friday and managed to get a cancellation with the psych for a med review at 11 today. Je very specifically said it was a telephone appointment. 11 came and went. I rang at half past to be told they were expecting me in person. I explained what had been said and care co said he would ring me back. 40 mins later and he is on my doorstep full of apologies for his cock up. He has rearranged it for next monday.

I don't know how much longer i can stay at work. I can't cope with the work and not doing my normal job. I feel sick and full of dread all of the time. I just can't keep doing this.

If I didn't have parents who loved me, I'd kill myself now. They are the only people stopping me as it would destroy them.

I feel so trapped. If i go off sick, i equally can't cope with being at home and with my partner 24/7.

I want to hurt myself. I did last week and i realised how much I'd missed it.

I wish I could stop feeling so much

Mx

littleem
Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Nov 12, 2020 10:40 am

Awwww M! <3

I'm so, so sorry I haven't written sooner. I actually wrote out a loooooong post to you last week.
I went to finish it today but it hadn't saved in my drafts. So now you'll have a double whammy! ;)

I am so very sorry to hear how you are feeling. I know the sadness and pain is an all-consuming, heavy darkness but there is always always light. I promise you that. Each moment you are here is that light. Your life is your survival, your strength and victory. Life is hope and hope is light. Keep being that light. <3

I'm sorry for all the confusion and frustration inflicted on you regarding your recent appointment.
It's reassuring that he came to your house and apologised in person though. That shows he genuinely does care. It doesn't take away the fact that he shouldn't have messed this up but at least he wanted to apologise and rearrange. I wish you all the best for Monday.

I encourage you to share, as you bravely have with me, your self-harm and suicidal feelings with your point of contact with the cmht and the psychiatrist either via telephone before your appointment or on Monday. You are entitled to continued support from the cmht regardless of staff absences. Think about what type of support you might benefit from and share this with them. I also encourage you, if you feel able, to share your feelings with someone you trust and feel comfortable with such as possibly your sister, friend/colleague and GP friend? How would you feel about contacting local mental health charity services? They may offer online support groups, telephone support, text support and in-person/online counselling.

I want to share something with you. I know of three very different people who tragically lost their lives to suicide: A jovial, well-loved priest from my previous parish; An 18-year old boy I knew only from him being in the nursery class when I was in the last year of junior school; A middle-aged lady who worked as a housekeeper at a hotel I briefly worked at some years back who I may have just seen once or twice. The news of each passing shocked and saddened me. I can't imagine the unbearable pain felt by those who knew them closely. What I am saying is one really doesn't know how far the ripples reach. I know you only in an anonymous virtual capacity, but already I feel that connection with you - empathy, care and sadness for your sadness. Your life matters more than you know and more than you feel. I promise you that. These dark thoughts are symptomatic of a suffering mental health. They are not truth. Please distance these thoughts from you as symptoms of ill mental health.

I'm sorry to hear working from home feels unbearable. I know every Covid-19 related question is very "how long's a piece of string?" but do you have any idea for how long your company expect you to be working from home and of how long it could be until you can (either at home or in the office) do your specific job role?

Have you looked for any other jobs that wouldn't require you to work from home? I know this may differ greatly to what you do and earn as a professional, but a new environment, a different focus, meeting different people and an outlet away from the house could do you the world of good. That way you wouldn't have the constant dread of working at home or feeling unable to cope with your partner at home. A different job could be the light that shows the way out of feeling trapped.

Otherwise, if you did go off sick, how would you feel about committing yourself to an online course?

I'm sorry to hear that you want to hurt yourself. When you feel this urge, try holding ice cubes, having a cold shower and/or flicking elastic bands on your wrists to give a release that feels but is safe and which won't hurt you. Go for a run/walk, blast upbeat music and dance/jump around, punch pillows and/or tear paper into pieces for a physical release. Stroke one of your cats, apply breathing techniques, lie down and clench and relax your muscles, use "the grounding technique" and "body scan" (mindfulness), and smell something with a strong scent such as lavender or herbs for a calming effect.

I also feel that some of the therapeutic worksheets on this link could help you:

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resour ... r-Yourself

I'm thinking of you. Please take care of yourself. xxx


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