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Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2021 9:31 am

Dont know where to start

Postby acreose » Tue Jul 20, 2021 11:46 am

Hi, so ive been dealing with anxiety and depression since roughly 13 (im 25)
My father wasnt around because of my mother
my mother was emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive
school was dificult for me with being quite heavily bullied (chairs getting thrown at me, i have a bad knee from one of them swinging a plank of wood wwith nails into my knee and it didnt heal correctly)
my schools response was to isolate me, i would be in a room alone for the full day of school, id have the work sheets for that day for all classes next to me with some notes and brief descriptions of what the lesson was about, other than that i was on my own, id see a teacher from my form in the morning and at the end of the day. at that time i deccided to go onto OFO (onision forum, was supposed to be something similar to this along with a fan forum and just general community, it wasnt but that is what i thouht it was) i posted what was going on, that i was depressed and i met 2 people but only one is that important to mention, Francis. She was like minded in a lot of ways we spent hours talking on skype, watching youtube videos playing games all of it and she etched herself into my soul (i really dont know how else to descrbe it)
when i went to college it felt like all of that had been washed away almost immediately, i got into friendgroups and met someone that ill call alice (not her real name) we got on very well and a relationship quickly formed things were really good for me at that time, one day alice was over and my mum didnt know she was there, didnt check just walked in from work and immideately yelled my name from down stairs, i was yelled at and hit with her hearing all of this unknown to me she talked to her karen to see if i could move in with her to get out of this, she didnt like what was going on, (i was 15 about to turn 16 at the time) when i was told about this and the offer was made i was terrefied, i hadnt even met her mum, and we were around 1 month into the relationship. but i went through with it, we planned it out on a day my mum works late ill pack all i could and Alice's sister would come down with a van to take me there (the move was about a 1hr drive away from where i lived)
for a good amount of time after this, around 2 years everything was ''fine'' i thought it was fine but things that i thought were normal at the time turned out to be very controlling and bordering on abuse, I had to cut off all my female friends, I really didnt want to cut off Francis but i did, i wasnt alowed to go out on my own, every time id be talking to someone online or via text shed take my phone or pc and look through it all. i could understand the anxiety she had at the time she obviously cared alot for me and that is all that mattered at the time. after about 2 years of living together she told me that shed been cheating on me, and that she was pregnant, brought him in the house and kicked me out. (i could pack some things it wasnt me being kicked out that very seccond but i could only carry so much on the buss, i asked my grandma if i could stay with her for a little while, the day after she gave me a lift to get the rest of my things and i was told it had all been thrown out.
at this point in time i hadnt cried about the breakup, i hadnt cried at any of it, i dont know why, it bothered me alot when i noticed.
i got in touch with a friend from college, bella (was still doing college at the time) that i couldnt talk to outside for why i mentioned earlier, she spent the night with me and we just talked everything out, gave me some perspective on everything that she was doing and suggested that i got back in touch with Francis, with some educated username guessing i managed to find her again (thank god she was still using a similar name the used to use years ago) and all 3 of us sat in my grandmas living room talking for hours on end, it was a bad time for me but that moment really still stays with me i can visualise the room almost perfectly even today. (i would be 19, by now)
i was starting to feel better and better despite what had happened. i will be honest i definately have trust and affection issues because of it but being introduced into a group of college friends and being back in touch with francis on the regular everything was turning out alot better than i thought it would of. i got onto a benifit, i forget the name, it was essentially job seekers allowance without needing to look for work aslong as i was in education, i moved out about a 3 minute walk from college and i ery quickly became the place everyone came to after college, i ended up getting in a relationship with bella for a few months it was short but notable because this is where Francis told me out of the blue that she loved me and that she wanted a relationship with me. id not considered that at all at the time. to me she was incredibly special because she was there when school was going on, when i was kicked out, and always understood, sure we argued every now and again but it was very rare.
even before learning that she loved me i would of done anything for her in my power and i wanted to but didnt. because i was scared that if i broke up with bella i would lose it all again. sadly because i rejected her she stopped talking to me for years, i would be 20 by now. after college all of my friends moved on and bella and i grew appart. i got a job in care and was working there for a couple of years most of the workers there abused the residents and there was one case of a staff member on the unit i worked on being arrested for killing 3 residents (it was in the news, atleast locally) during that time i got in touch with my dad, found out that we were terrifyingly similar, 20 years of never seeing him and we were in to the exact same games played the exact same roles in those games it was really surreal. not long after i got in touch with him, a couple of months infact he passed away i didnt know, we talked online almost exclusively and hed often take 1 or 2 week long gaps from being online. i requested time off from work, i hadnt really done that at all because we were so understaffed, thered be 2 staff to 35 residents, it was impossible really. i asked for 2 days off. the day of the funeral and the day after. my boss responded my putting me on 5 shifts with the funeral right in the center of them ( i was contracted 3 shifts a week) then my great grandad died, he was like my grandad to me a few months after that. 4 months later my grandad, who was like my father figure, a second dad for all of my years collapsed and was diagnosed with cancer. it honestly destroyed me seing him deteriorate. i wasnt able to go into work, i cut off everyone and just played games to cope.
i tried to kill myself then, well i say tried, i downed a bunch of pills a couple at a time, i started to feel wierd and chickened out. after 2 years of being completely shut in i had came to the conclusion that being alone was the best thing for me. not to talk to people, no family nothing. i became afraid to leave my house to go shopping becasue my mums friends saw me in morrisons and followed me around with their pone camera pointed at me the whole time. (24 now) francis gets back in touch with me and we start talking again she opened up to me about a relationship she had with someone that emotionally and sexually abused her. after a few months we ended up in a long distance relationship, this was about when the lock down started, everything was starting to look up, she suggested to move in together, she suggested eternity rings, tatoos of each others initials, the whole nine yards, she wasnt abusive she was wonderfull to be with broke me out of this seveal year long rut ive been in, made me want to improve myself made me want better, i started forcing myself out more to take out trash for her sake, i know full well i wouldnt do it for myself. i couldnt. the only thing that made me do it before the only thing that made the fear of going ouside seem small was my landlord coming over, if the flat was in a state i wouldnt know what to do.
Over these past few months around half a year i was living in heaven i had someone that would support me, saw me for the mess i was and despite that wanted to be with me, loved me. a few days ago we planned to meet for a week, this was her idea and i loved it, her family were going out on holiday for a week and they didnt want to put the dog and cat in a kennel Francis couldnt look after them alone because she was working and these pets arent ones that can just be left for 12 hours straight. i went down on the 17th it was quite a brief introduction becasue the train got there at 1pm and she starts a shift at 7pm - 7am (nights) she showed me around the house and then we both jumped in bed and passed out for a couple of hours then she was off to work, this was similar the 2nd day though when she came back we sat in the living room for a couple of hours watching some tv and having a mcdonalds breckfast, spooning on the sofa. the 3rd day, her last shift (shed have 2 days off after this one) i asked her if she wanted me to meet her at her work and walk home together, i took her bag and we talked about work on the way home, this was all, to me perfection. the best thing ive ever had, someone that loves me, supports me, an out of where i live and a way to move somewhere else (i forgot to mention my fear of going outside only extended to where i live i was able to walk freely outside without a care when i was over at hers, that feeling after so many years was just liberating.) i wasnt having suicidal thoughts at all i was just the happiest id ever been.
Once we got home she jumped into the shower i stayed downstairs and watched a little tv while she did her thing and i recieve a message, for me to come up and that we need to talk, she talked about the sexual abuse she expierienced from her ex and that it was upsetting her that it was making her uncomfortable to touch me, she was finding it incredibly hard to hold hands to spoon to do anything remotely physical and told me that she wanted to break up. then and there. no talking about it. no discussion about how to move forward or even a question if i was bothered by her being like that, that answer is no. i would of researched it i would get as much information as i could so i knew where boundarys would be in place and i would of supported her through it all, even if it took years for me to spoon her again. she was worth it, any thing i needed to do i would of done it. but she just didnt want that. she said she needed therapy and she didnt want me to be involved. i wont lie i did plead to her crying, snot running down my face (i must of looked like a real state) but it ended humane enough for no one to be storming out but i left that nigt. i asked my aunt to pick me up as she lived 15 mins away. she didnt think it was best for me to be alone right now, i kind of agree. i want to be but im not exactly in the best state of mind with this right now. i feel like everything, the future we would of had is gone. the person i could talk to, the only person i could talk to, confide in the person that was there for me through all of it, supporting me through everything. shes gone. i dont know what to do, i cant even face going on to play games incase i see her, i dont know why she resorted to a breakup as a first resort, i dont know where to start with my life. i am back at square one i have no one to help me or een just spend time with me, my aunt told me to get some more friends, i dont know where to start with that. im just lost.

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