Without wishing to sound crass welcome to the forum.
If it's any consolation I never expected to find myself here either, but here I am like it or not, like others attempting to understand and manage ones thoughts, feelings and emotions in an attempt to find some form of peace and feeling of happiness from the situation that I find myself in.
Whilst I have not experienced what you are going through exactly, for me what you describe is a scenario that I can relate to. In essence a big problem that seemingly has no obvious solution, made all the more difficult as the cause is not something that one feels comfortable in discussing with ones partner. Consequently the thought, spins around and around in ones head consuming ones conscious mind to the point that it affects all manner as to who we are as a person and individual.
Trying to find relief is different for each of us, I'm aware of what works for me (engaging with other people, supporting others, always being kind, ...). I'm also aware of what caused the problem in the first place, excessive stress during lockdown 1 as a result of traumatic experiences.
Given the delay in providing a response to you, I hope that you might be feeling somewhat better, albeit I also know that these things can take a long time to recover from. Incidentally I don't think your post was selfish or embarrassing in anyway.