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Posted: Sun Jun 13, 2021 4:38 am
by drew1974
Hi My name is Drew.

I am coming to the end of my life. I look at it this way because 'imo' life is divided into stages and if there are four different stages ie: childhood, adult, middle aged, old age then I lie on the cusp between the 3rd and 4th stages. At this time of writing I am to the best of my knowledge in full physical health. This does not matter however, numbers matter and for me, forget the old adage that age is only a number and I am only as old as I feel. This is a numbers game and the game is coming to a close for me.

Now in this time of my life, I seek my own personal truth. I am presently under group counselling. I will go no further into this on account of keeping my own personal privacy. I will say though that whilst it helps, I do not and will not talk freely on account of the fear of saying something that could be written down that would class me as something potentially dangerous. To this I will add the caveat that all my life I have been submissive and weak and always sought to be fair and easy going. Putting it simply, I haven't deliberately set out to cause anyone harm and I have never committed any acts of physical violence to anyone. Still though, I do not trust those who have the power to write things down. If you knew my story you would know why.

So my life now is 'truth seeking'. All my life there have been stresses going on that were above my capabilitys to sort. The result of this is that garbage on top of garbage has piled up in my head, never fully absorbed and never learned from and doomed to repeat and repeat and repeat as all the while the chaos around me never fully subsided enough to give me the peace to be whole.

I have a big problem with denial. Not willful denial, but denial none the less. For example, for some 5 years now I have mixed with a group of people who are in an organisation who help each other. It is big and a lot of people, uk wide and worldwide. I will not name it on account once again of my privacy. Suffice to say that despite my absolute best efforts over coming up five years, there is not one person whom I can call and there is not one person who would call me. I can deny it until the cows come home, but behavioural actions are more powerful than my subconscious wish for it not to be so. I am not liked from a range of simply not noticed to the point of not even seen to exist to ignored to avoided to being disliked and labelled creepy and a lurker and mentally ill and to being thought disgusting and detested. Never to my face however, never ever to my face. But still the truth is there that in a period of lockdown of over a year that no one contacted me and further that they set up zoom rooms for mutual support and whatsapp groups and facebook groups and twitterati and the rest of it all. Even when I asked for the codes for the zoom groups they said sorry I dont know that one. The rest is history. It is plain to see that I am exactly as I put above. Whether I like it or not, I ain't liked by no one and it is a proven fact.

Over this, I am in subconscious denial, if anyone says a nice word or gives me a nice gesture, I almost cling onto it like a drowning man reaching for a rope, I want to absorb the bitter bitter truth and as anyone here who has read this can see, it is not something that can be denied.

Part of my journey, an important part is to figure out why I am seen to be like this. What is it I do, what vibes do I give off, why don't people like me when all I ever try to be is nice. This is my search to see me as others see me and then not to change so they will like me, but to look in the mirror at myself and say I am me and they are them and no more and no less and let it be.

My time for change is at end. All I want is me. The good the bad and the downright ugly and let the rest of the world be damned and go to hell.