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Don’t know what to do

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Posts: 1
Joined: Sat May 22, 2021 7:41 am

Don’t know what to do

Postby sp2021 » Sat May 22, 2021 8:21 am

Hi everyone I just joined this group after some searching for help online as I am so scared if I see a doctor they will use my mental health to take away my children. I’m currently almost 6 months pregnant and I haven’t been this depressed since I was 15 I’m now 29. I just feel so worthless I feel fat and disgusting. I have no motivation for anything. My partner isn’t interested in me anymore I can barely get a conversation out of him most days. I work full time and come home and take care of our dogs and my 8 year old daughter and I feel like I’m living in ground hog day. Last night my partner went out and it made me feel so low seeing pictures and videos of him having fun with other woman around in a house party that I showed up there to bring him home. I cried like a baby and tried to tell him how I’m feeling and he didn’t seem to care he just made me feel worse and said that I am a syco I cried for him not to leave me alone and told him I want to die . He shouted at me and just made me feel so worthless and little . I just wanted him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. My brother came around too but he also teamed up with my partner telling me I have no reason to be depressed and to ‘get a grip’ I said I have no one to talk to about how I feel and I had a break down and started smashing things up. They then threatened to call an ambulance and o get me sectioned and I begged them not to but they still did . My brother called me numerous names and they were both shouting at me while I just cried and cried then my partner said he can’t handle me and said he was leaving . I begged him not to leave me alone as I can’t control myself and all he done was shout at me saying he would smash my house up . I promised to stop and went to bed and hve done nothing but cry for the past 3 hours . I feel like the only thing stopping me ending my life is the child I’m carrying . I feel like even my older child would be better off without me as she would inherit money and life insurance. I honestly feel like there is no way out and I’m pushing everyone away. I have no one to speak to. My friends all come to me with their problems and I’m normally the strong one . My mum is understanding but very cold hearted and is a pretty much ‘get on with it ‘ type of person as she’s been through a lot and is fine mentally . I just can’t stop thinking about my family screaming at me ‘what the fuck have you got to be depressed about’ I bottle a lot up . I didn’t have the best upbringing . My parents were drug addicts and were constantly fighting and we had to move home every couple of years. I watched so much violence as a child and seen things kids shouldn’t see . When I was a teenager I started lashing out and was arrested multiple times for assault and I ended up being sent to a young offenders institute for 8 months when I was 15 . I then turned my life around and started college and have a decent job. When I was 14 I got pregnant and I was basically black mailed by my young offenders team work to have an abortion . She showed up at my home with a fake crying baby in the car and told me to take the baby in my home where my mum was or opt for the abortion so I did as I didn’t want my mum asking why I’d had this fake baby dropped off by her. After that I started research on abortions and when I realised what I’d done I feel like the worst person in the world . I watched videos of how they were performed and couldn’t believe what I had done. I was 10 weeks and was told by my worker that ‘it will only be like a tadpole’ this led to me taking overdoses and self harming cutting my arms and legs. Since I have had my daughter I have had 2 miscarriages . One was almost 13 weeks so I had to give birth to my tiny lifeless baby in hospital. This hurt me so much and I feel like it’s god paying me back for having the abortion I feel like he wanted to show me what I had killed years earlier. I also had a 7 week miscarriage around 8 months ago and that hurt just as bad cause I felt like I was going through it all again . Now that I’m pregnant with a healthy little boy I feel like I don’t deserve him. I feel like he’s going to be taken away from me too. Im anxious everyday checking for movement or using my Doppler to find his heartbeat. I feel so drained everyday . I am normally the type to wear make up, do my hair nice , lashes etc. But recently I just drag myself out of bed and I’m lucky if I brush my hair . I have put this down to feeling tired from pregnancy but honestly I think it’s because of how crap I feel about my life and my choices. I’m a good person and I have done some stupid things in my past and I feel like I’ll always be paying from them. The only thing stopping me from ending my life is that I’m responsible for my unborn sons too and why should I take the life of another unborn child. I’m too scared to see the doctors as I don’t want this on my medical record . I think my partner is going to make me or he said he will leave me . I’m so lost :(

Posts: 1
Joined: Sat May 22, 2021 8:31 pm

Re: Don’t know what to do

Postby kej » Sat May 22, 2021 11:58 pm

Hi, when I was reading it I had a flashback from when I was pregnant and I had no support from my partner at all, I was literally BEGGING him to spend some time with me when all he cared for was gaming. I felt so depressed throughout whole pregnancy and all i heard was "you've got nothing to depressed about" and also being threatened that if I seek help they would take my kid away, I was terrified. My mom, same - understanding but kind of cold hearted, no way in the world I'd actually open up to her about my feelings. I'm really sorry that you're going through this alone,with no support from the closest ones. May I ask you, have you got any friends, ANYONE that you could talk to?

It seems like you've gone thought a lot a bit too early- same as me,
I'm very new to this site, I registered today and your post was the first one I read but I sort of felt immediate connection with you
I'm giving you strong hugs and stay strong <3
I'm not sure if there is a way to message someone privately but if there is, don't hesitate.
Kora xx

Posts: 122
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Don’t know what to do

Postby epitaph » Sun May 23, 2021 10:42 am

Without wishing to sound totally crass welcome both sp2021 and kej to the forum.

I started to write a reply last night, but was unable to post, (there is a re-occurring issue with this forum that sometimes prevents updates...) But my update does not come close to that provided previously by kej, as being able to communicate with someone else who has gone through or has experiences of someone else's current pain/turmoil is just so useful.

Sadly this forum does not provide a means for private messages. One of you could consider creating an anonymous email account (which is setup to forward emails to your actual account) and then placing this in your profile as a means of linking up in private (or use mine and I'll link the two of you together).

sp2021, finding someone who can support you through this and just listen to what you have to say is so important. You should not give it a second thought to reach out to the contact number for SANE or any other similar support organisation.

Take care...

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