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Newbie here but been struggling a while

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ryan92
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2021 12:42 pm

Newbie here but been struggling a while

Postby ryan92 » Mon Feb 08, 2021 1:15 pm

Hello, and apologies if I've put this in the wrong forum or if my post is too long, but I feel I need to get things off my chest!
I met my wife back in 2014, we had our first child in 2016, married in 2017 and had our second child in 2018!
For the last 18 months or so of the relationship, things suddenly started to break down. We would often argue and she told me towards the end of 2019 that she no longer loved me. I always loved her and so this obviously hurt me so much.
Things never improved and in late July last year (2020) she left me and moved in with her parents, also taking our daughters with her. I was devastated and then it got worse as for absolutely no reason she stopped me seeing the girls. It was getting evident that her stance in me not seeing them wouldn't change so i instructed a solicitor to help me gain access through the courts etc. After a while she would allow me to see them, but only if it was round her mum's with her or her mum supervising (again, no reason for this).
A couple of months later, my wife met a new man and they rented a new home within a couple of weeks of meeting. For about three months, while they were "getting the new place ready" up until a week before Christmas, the girls remained at their grandmother's while my wife and her partner lived in the new place. As the weeks went on, her mum started struggling to cope with the girls and eventually let me have the girls over the weekend etc. Ever since the girls moved in with their mum, I've been having them every weekend, which has been lovely. Last week was the court case (over the phone!), and unfortunately because I and my ex (she is still technically my wife) are so far apart in what outcome we are after, it has to go to a second hearing. Unfortunately I was suffering with covid, so haven't seen the girls for three weeks which has been hell. The courts gave an interim decision that I have them every weekend between now and the second hearing.
The trouble is, despite my ex treating me over the last few months like a piece of **** (she even tried telling the court that I'm a violent alcoholic, despite the fact I'd not hurt a fly and the last drink I had was one beer on Christmas day and I've never been drunk!) aswell as her new man threatening me with violence on a few occasions, I'm still really jealous and hung up over her being happy with someone new. It's obviously valentine's Day soon, and thinking of them two together while I'm in my flat all alone, lonely and totally fed up. I just want the happy, loving life where I have a partner who had a mutual love with me and my two beautiful daughters to spend more time with me, but it just all seems to be going wrong. I can't see myself ever having that happy family life with anyone again, and she has found it within weeks of leaving me. Our marriage was far from perfect. I slept on the sofa for the last 18 months, we were always bickering and arguing etc and I was deeply unhappy, but I never stopped loving her, so when she left, it hurt so much. I just don't know how or if I'll ever snap out of this, considering I've got to keep in contact with her and always see her and him together all loved up, i hate it! I quite often think that just ending it all would take away my pain, but then I think about my beautiful girls and can't bring myself to doing anything silly. But these thoughts go through my head most days. I feel such a failure for being a single dad after being married (I'm 28) while my wife is living her best, happy, loving life with someone else. The thought of them two being deeply in love, sharing the intimacy that I didn't have with her for almost two years (we didn't cuddle, kiss, hold hands or any kind of sexual intimacy for the best part of two years). I feel like my life will never get better, I'll never find that happiness and love again (who's going to want to be with a dad who's marriage has failed?!) And that maybe my children would be better off with their mum and her new partner (even though he's been pretty bad towards me) in a seemingly happy home, rather than them having to see their dad upset and down. I love them girls to bits but if I never snap out of these feelings, surely I'm not the dad they will want or need

lol76
Posts: 265
Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2020 10:36 pm

Re: Newbie here but been struggling a while

Postby lol76 » Thu Feb 11, 2021 12:22 am

Please give yourself a break, when a relationship fails its normal for all the emotions and thoughts you are having to arise. No matter what happens you will always be your childrens dad and nobody can take that fact away from you. I know quite a few couples who coparent and they all have great relationships with their dads. Put all your time and energy into being there for your daughters and you will reap the rewards as time goes on. 28 is still very young and you have plenty of time to find the right relationship for you. Regards your ex and thinking she will be having a loved up Sunday...please be assured thats appearances can be very perceptive and you really dont know if their relationship is healthy or not. I totally understand your feelings of loneliness especially on Valentines day but it is really a consumer gimmick and it will soon be over. Im single at the moment and Ive decided to embrace Valentines day by sending cute cards to my friends and being grateful for different kinds of love. Give yourself time to process the split and allow yourself to heal. Shower your girls with love and Im sure in time things will feel clearer for you.

ryan92
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2021 12:42 pm

Re: Newbie here but been struggling a while

Postby ryan92 » Thu Feb 11, 2021 11:05 am

Thank you for your reply lol76. I know I probably shouldn't, but I've actually been looking at online dating for the last month or so. Just to try and find somebody to get to know, to spend time with and see how things go. I've messaged many different women, and all of my messages are aimed towards their personal profile, asking questions about them etc, but I haven't had a single reply. They all look at my profile, see that I'm not exactly an oil painting and ignore me. My profile is full of information about me, light hearted and funny but also explains what kind of person I am etc (no mention of my ex, but I do mention how I'm a dad) but literally no responses. I'm a really shy guy so online dating is the only chance I'll ever have of meeting people, so if it doesn't happen now, why would it ever change in the future?
My girls (in particular my four year old) has told me lots of times how "mummy and Steve keep saying they love each other and they are always cuddling and kissing on our sofa" etc, which I have to pretend to be happy about but it really hurts me to hear it. I just keep imagining the "things" they do together, thinking it should be me and my wife having that time, not my wife and another man.
I wouldn't take her back even if she tried too (not that she will as she seems happier than ever with the new guy) but I'd give anything to be in a happy, loving relationship. Having a family life is all I've ever wanted, but I can't see anybody ever wanting to meet a man who works Monday to Friday and has his children with him every weekend at the minute (I'm going for split equal care in court though) which would mean Thursday to Sunday one week and Tuesday to Thursday the next week.
It just seems that everywhere I look are happy, loved up couples. My friends are all in couples, my wife is with someone else, even my 19 year old cousin is engaged. And it just makes me feel a complete failure and that my life has all gone wrong and I'm a bit of a waster and a joke. I don't know why I feel like this, but I do, and I seem to be getting worse instead of better. I'm a diabetic and aren't eating properly (I didn't eat at all yesterday) and my mind just won't switch off!


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