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vesa
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:47 pm

Hello

Postby vesa » Sun Aug 11, 2019 9:21 pm

Hi, so I'm very new to this, well I had the account for a few month but I haven't really gotten the courage to write anything before. It just seems like pretty problems I guess but it all just slowly piles up and I though maybe it be worth a try? Right so here goes nothing?
I guess I just lost motivation? That seems like the easiest way to describe it even though it's not really that simple. Right so I don't come from the best family, my father was an alcoholic until he suffered two heart attacks when I was just 11 and just stopped drinking after, and my mother drinks too.
I guess I get along with dad? But his illness was never easy for me either though nobody ever seemed to ask how I took it. You see I'm the only daughter that at the time still lived with my parents (I've got 3 much older sisters) and my parents speak very little English. So all the appointments and phone calls and what not I was the "translator", the term itself I quickly learned to despise since I was no longer introduced as "the daughter" but rather "the translator". There were times when I would be home alone with my father and his pacemaker would start to shock him and I regardless of my age had to watch how he suffered and call the ambulance, translate everything and then ride in that ambulance with him. I know it maybe doesn't seem like much but I still hate the idea of ambulances now. When my friend injured himself very seriously few weeks ago and I had to ring 999 again, I did it and then spent awhile just crying for no apparent reason, another friend went with him.
I guess after he fell ill my childhood ended sort of? It was no longer a matter of playing with friends cause every time I was out of the house and my mother at work (she used to and still does work 12hour shifts) I would have a horrible though in the back of my mind that something would happen. My peers would always same that I'm the odd boring one, needless to say I wasn't very popular but I wasn't really bullied either. The small group I did have turned out to in the end be worse company then I thought them to be. Nat a girl I grew up with would always be the popular one we were "BFFS", you know how kids are, but with time o realised that she didn't understand that I couldn't just do what other kids did since I felt too responsible for my father.I guess I focused more on high school then. But over time it became apparent that my own health suffered from the stress. A few weeks before I sat my GCSE'S I started having heart palpitations almost every day. The doctors said it was due to stress and as I sat my exams I got a separate room and examiner since I had this little heart monitor attached to me that beeped.
Through out I didn't really have my mothers support, none of my sisters ever got her support either. She would and still does say such cruel things to us. Few I remember of the top of my head, "You'll just work in a factory anyway", "You'll probably get pregnant and won't finish school" or "I never wanted children I never liked them, maybe the 1st one was okay but the rest..." She's good at spewing lies too she always has been, her whole workplace is convinced that none of my sisters ever helped her when it's my sisters that paired her debts, that supported her. But she never cared about that. I never understood why she did all this. I was never a bad child, at least I think so? I got top marks in school, always came home on time, helped with chores, but to her I always seemed this useless parasite that just existed to spite her.
Anyway a week after I finished my GCSES I moved out to live with my eldest sister and her family on the other side of the country. It was my favourite teacher that convinced me too after she found out about the situation at home. Ofcourse that earned me the spite of both my parents and my paternal grandmother but I just couldn't handle it anymore. Over the next months my heart palpitations became less and less frequent and I generally calmed a bit. When my results came in I was happy to see I got nothing below an A and ended up getting a scholarship at my current college. My parents ofcourse didn't care after all it meant nothing.
And now I guess though a bit calmer there is still so much going on. My mother keeps living to my father that their financial problems are my blame since I moved out and they have to pay, which is a lie since I don't get a penny from my mother nor did I ever as for anything. And to almost everyone around I'm just the quiet scholarship girl that got good grades in high school. And to be perfectly honest I'm sick of just being a grade. I ended up losing so much motivation I failed my first time around AS year and just resat now, and to be honest I think I failed again? I get results this coming week so we'll see but I just lost so much motivation I just feel numb? Like there will be times when something really stupid like one wrong word will get me sobbing but the majority of the time I just feel really numb? It's hard to explain. And I know college is very important and I keep promising myself that I'll work harder but I get home every day and just feel really tired and end up napping or just reading to escape everything for a bit.
There are a few other things I wouldn't mind sharing too but this is already so long, and probably makes no sence, Ill post another time. So yeah, I'm sorry this seems all over the place and maybe doesn't make sence but maybe getting some parts of my chest will help? We'll see?
So yeah hi it's nice to meet you all, call me Vesa ❤

hyster
Posts: 227
Joined: Thu May 16, 2019 3:35 pm
Location: Coventry

Re: Hello

Postby hyster » Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:24 pm

Hey
If u have had constant put downs and blame all ur life then a lack of motivation and self esteem would be normal. my parents have never been supportive, there more like strangers so i kinda know how u feel, if mine were as poor as urs id never bother with them.

ANY decent parent would be proud if there kid got straight A's and getting into college.

u never asked to be born so i cant understand how ur parents can blame u for there financial problems, maybe if they didnt blow there money on booze they would have enough!!

Did ur sisters have the same problems ?? if so how did they cope ??

Reading between the lines id guess ur mom was trying to guilt u into staying home and paying her so she can enjoy her drink and look after ur dad.

I think u have done the right thing moving out, like u said u have improved with out the stress. when my dad starts on me i used to either get stressed out and occasionally have a go back then not talk to him for months / years (2 years once), now i just tell him to stop, ignore or let it roll of my back.
Would it be possible for u to tell ur mom ur busy and have to get of the phone when she starts ?? if u can do that enough times she may get the message ur not going to listen to her rants anymore.

vesa
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:47 pm

Re: Hello

Postby vesa » Mon Aug 12, 2019 7:10 pm

Hi
My sisters are much older then me and don't really talk about their childhoods too much. They did have the problem of my dad drinking too and they do remember being too ashamed to even have friends over when he was home since he would always be drunk somewhere in the house. They just try to forget those times I guess, but at least they had each other, being so much younger I kinda always felt alone with all this? They all have their own lives now after all.
As to my mother we don't really talk? I moved out when I was 16 I'm 19 this October and we've only really spoken a handful of times, she only really calls to ask for money. Never calls for birthdays or other holidays but both her and my dad get furious if we forget their birthdays. I no longer answers calls from her so she now has the technique of calling from my dad's phone, knowing that I will answer since I'll worry something might be wrong if I don't. But if I don't answer her calls she just bothers my sisters or tells my dad I refuse to talk to her and then HE complains too.

hyster
Posts: 227
Joined: Thu May 16, 2019 3:35 pm
Location: Coventry

Re: Hello

Postby hyster » Mon Aug 12, 2019 8:02 pm

sounds like ur mom is a very manipulative person and has ur dad wrapped round her little finger.
how close are u and ur dad ?? if u feel guilty if u dt take his calls that says to me u are to him. have u told ur dad something like "dad she is manipulating u, telling u lies ..... ".

if i was in ur position id tell him straight what she is doing and say "if u keep believing her then im not going to bother talking to u. its making me ill and i cant deal with it anymore. ill call on ur birthday but thats all".

i do know whats it like feeling alone, i never felt close to parents or brother. my dad always believed my brother (4 years older than me) no matter what so i stopped telling him stuff. my mom had an affair and moved in with him when i was 10, i was in the way so i was stuck in my bedroom for 18 months perma grounded.
its left me withdrawn and looking inwards, not really trusting any1 and never got to close to people.
i thought that was the best way to deal with it. may have been for me but i hope to god that it never gets that way with u. bad / poor parents can be poison if u let it get to u.

sorry for rambling but i hope it made sense.

vesa
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Apr 07, 2019 11:47 pm

Re: Hello

Postby vesa » Mon Aug 12, 2019 8:21 pm

No no it does make sence so no worries. I'm sorry to hear that it got to the point you isolated yourself, I know what's that like, unfortuenlty.
Dad knows she's manipulative and lies all the time that's the worst, but for some stupid reason he refuses to act on it, why argue with her and stress himself out when he can blame me and my sisters and not think more about the situation. At least in the last few weeks he has started to read some of the letters that come home so he actually knows somethings that involve the household finances but still very little.
I worry for dad more than anything really, he is after the heart attacks I mentioned and is on the heart transplant list so I never know when it can possible be the last time I talk/see him. But even when I visit the town my parents live in I can no longer even force myself to stay in the same house. A friend of mine, Frey (God I don't know what I would have done without her and another friend of ours Jay, I've known her for 7 years and Jay ever since I moved to the UK 13 years ago, and they've been my anchor of sorts ever since this whole mess started), is always kind enough to let me stay at her house. Heck her parents even offered that I move in with them before I moved to my sisters. Anyway so now when I visit it's just to see dad really and it's only for a few hours every few months.

hyster
Posts: 227
Joined: Thu May 16, 2019 3:35 pm
Location: Coventry

Re: Hello

Postby hyster » Mon Aug 12, 2019 8:40 pm

its great u have at least a few people u can turn to and i get u dt want to rock the boat to much else ur dad would get stressed and maybe get worse.
ive never had a close friend or any1 i could open up to, so called friends would come to me with there needs but never around when i was in need.

when u said abour ur dad waiting for a new heart it reminded me of a convo i had with my nan when i was 18-19.
my mom moved from coventry (my home town) up to blackpool as her new BF didnt want anything to do with my mums family. (in the last 33 ish years coming back to coventry (a few times per year) she has never once been to mine to see me, i always had to go up to blackpool to see her).
we both agreed that when he died (he did 2.5 years ago. i didnt bother going to his funeral even tho she begged me to) she would be up there all alone. we used to email every 2-3 months before, now he is dead she WANTS me to email weekly as she miss's and worries about me pmsl. i love irony as she wasent there for me when i was a kid and needed her.

i reckon ur mom hasent thought about what is going to happen when she is alone with her family driven away (in many years to come i hope for ur dad).

rsxo
Posts: 1397
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: Hello

Postby rsxo » Sat Aug 17, 2019 1:39 pm

Welcome!x
RSxo <3


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