I won't rant on for ages but basically I've suffered from anxiety, panic attacks & depression for most of my life. I appear on the outside to be outgoing, driven and outspoken but really these are usually 'acted' as a defence mechanism which makes it worse when i cannot control my anxiety or low days it becomes more apparent to people around me.
Anyway, I've been seeing someone for about 4 years, they worship the ground i walk on, I initially kept him at arms length because id just given up everything (previous relationship, house, job etc) to go to university a peruse my passion, id just got out of a relationship and we worked together which was a bit awkward, but I've always been open and honest with him that i wanted to take things slow, and we were, and everything was fine.
However, before i fully left my job to go to Uni, i was having a terrible time a struggling to cope, for the first time in my life (knowing how bad i get) i took the offer of medication from the Dr and this is where it went wrong ….. the drugs totally messed up my head even more to the point i had NO emotional connection or feelings to anyone, my boyfriend, family or friends, it was like they were just, nothing, my paranoia went over the top to the point i thought his entire family were out to get me and It completely killed my libido seriously effecting my once loving intimate relationship with my boyfriend and i started to treat him as if he were the same as every other person.
Id had enough, this wasn't me, after 2 years on the medication I tried desparatly for 6 months to come off the medication & towards the end all my feelings came flooding back (it was like id woken up!) and i realised how much i truly loved and cared about my him, but by this time he's moved on, got a new job, new friends, new life and i have a feeling he is seeing someone new. I am totally heartbroken in a state or shameful desperation and despair. he is a wonderful, kind person and I've been unbearable. Ive sat down and spoken with him openly and he has always supported me but i understand why he has moved on but it hurts it hurts like nothing I've ever experienced and i don't know how to get myself back on track :'(
Aside from this, i find my mental health issues are becoming more and more difficult to deal with to the point people are starting to notice- paranoia, over thinking, anxiety, embarrassment and then i feel really down.
Its like a vicious circle and i can't get out of it, i can't win if I'm not on medication and i can't win if i am.