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I feel disposable *Trig Warning

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
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Joined: Sun May 09, 2021 6:56 am

I feel disposable *Trig Warning

Postby dieter24 » Sun May 09, 2021 7:23 am

I've not slept all night, and am meant to be in work this afternoon but I've had my first manic breakdown in a year.

I feel like I just can't maintain relationships of any form, I feel very ignored, unwanted or people only want me around for their own gain.

In particular I have lost complete trust in people over romantic relationships, I have had maybe 2 decent romantic partners (even though one of those two may have cheated on me) out of 7. The rest of them were either thoroughly unpleasant or have left me with real trauma and ptsd. I keep thinking I was never treated that badly but I don't love people the way I used to and I sure as hell don't trust anyone.

I feel like people just use me for their own needs, such as an emotional punching bag or for sex and I had a huge breakdown tonight finding out two very close friends have cut me off over my last ex in which the relationship ended very amicably so I don't see what the issue is.

My friends tell me I blame myself too much so I was sure in this situation I would've been able to see if I had been an issue at any point but I feel I have far more to complain about seeing as said ex knew I wanted to get married, proposed to me (like 2 months into dating-so obviously I didn't say yes, that was very premature) but after he'd had sex with me a few times he seemed very much less committed to the idea of loving me, he was still very sexually charged and wanted to have sex but that's what essentially turned me off the whole relationship. I genuinely felt bad breaking up with them thinking it would hurt them, as they DID propose to me, but obviously they got over me pretty quick after being with someone else no longer than a month later and next thing I know out two mutual friends who I was close with cut me out.

This certainly isn't the worst thing that's been done to me by an ex, I've had another ex try to kill themselves and blame it on me and again, I took the blame and I still feel I must be the issue but I've been reassured by counsellors and friends that it's not just me. I just feel so betrayed, this was a guy I knew 5 years prior and I thought I could trust them and we could stay friends after we broke up but instead something's happened and they want nothing to do with me nor do our other mates, obviously he wasn't required to stay friends if he wasn't comfortable, but I don't understand why our mutuals would cut me off when it's something between me and him.

I've been dropped from friend groups several times before because of break ups, and I never fought over it, I just didn't want all that side choosing and making things harder than they should be but when you get dropped by someone who you cared about romantically and then also by your mutual friends it certainly doesn't help you feel any better about yourself.

I recently had a chance to go out with a guy I liked and we were doing so well and the outlook looked positive, but I panicked, like I always do now, and stopped any hope of a relationship in it's tracks because I was so scared of being let down and essentially heartbroken for another time.

I have mania and some other issues that are hard to grasp as it's difficult to find specialists who can (or want to) diagnose you. I just go with my instincts, but now my instincts are just purely defensive, and I hate that I'll be trying to move on but stuff from my past comes back to tell me I'm not good enough for anyone and that I'll just be used again.

I've gotten so angry and distraught so many times I've had massive breakdowns and self harmed and wanted to attempt suicide. I had recently gone a whole year without an attempt but now all I want to do is put a rope around my neck or jump of a bridge or slash myself deep enough so I bleed out. And these violent thoughts aren't limited to me, I wish so badly that those who treated me like shit get hurt, and I know very well I shouldn't think that way and that people will argue it won't make me feel better but I'm at the point where I'm tired of pretending like I have the same sort of conscience and empathy as others. I don't feel empathetic to those who walk all over me, I want someone to break their legs or to stab them, I just want them to feel an ounce of the sort of pain I feel, because I do hurt myself, badly, and I can't even control it, it's like I'm watching myself and I'm trapped in my own head unable to control my actions and I'll be cut up so badly, my left arm is riddled in ugly scars, all caused because I never once gave it to people who truly deserved it. I hate that people act like you're a shitty person for feeling justifiably angry, I should be allowed to tell people they're nasty pieces of shit without others acting like I'm an awful person, but instead I hurt myself because I have nowhere to direct my anger.

I feel like I'm just going to end up cycling like this over and over and it'll just turn me into more and more of a bitter person until there really is no one left. I don't want to lose the friends who have stuck by me this far as well, I kind of just want to kill myself before things get any worse so I can at least remember some good in my life before it ends.
Last edited by ModeratingTeam on Mon May 10, 2021 9:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited by moderator to add trigger warning.

Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: I feel disposable

Postby epitaph » Sun May 09, 2021 8:43 pm

Dear dieter24,

Welcome to the forum, (these might seem like just words right now, please accept the greeting anyway).

I don't have much time right now but there are some really obvious things that I'd like to convey to you...and I 'm not even sure you are looking for a reply, just having a rant to a safe place might provide a glimmer (faint, weak and fleeting...) of relief if only as a result of thinking what to write!

1. Please don't hurt yourself as a means of providing some form of relief to the way you are feeling (As you know such measures only provide a short term release, which then becomes a physical reminder of past pain and experiences). Have the thought but refuse to act upon it.

2. "This is not your fault". These are complex issues and there can be lots of causes. There are no doubt a raft of thoughts, feelings and emotions running through your head which are severely influencing your behaviour. They of course feel raw, real and painful right now, spinning round and round in a vortex of turmoil. In the information exchange have a look at some of the recent useful videos. As you well know the first thing to try and concentrate on is to try and gain some relief from the thoughts in your head that are being influenced by your feelings and emotions. If you can try to be rationale in attempting to work out what is real and what is actually just a thought or feeling...

3. PLEASE try to rip the nob of the "self-care" button so that you focus on yourself and what you really need right now... (I'm desperately trying not to provide crass words of advice and recommendations). Lack of sleep does not help, sure finding it for some can be exceptionally hard. Others will awake after some initial sleep.. each of us are different.

You may also wish to post here as this forum is quite quiet but that also makes it more personal in a way. You original post is fine -

Lastly take care... as people do care for you!

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