18 Oct 2020 , by sarah33

There are clouds in my mind that rain through my eyes

Big girls shouldn’t have an issue with food

One of my warning signs is an odd one for a lady of my shape. I can’t eat or drink. Well it’s not that I can’t, it’s that I won’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. I will sit there with my stomach thinking that it’s been cut. But I won’t. Being at home means there is one meal a day I can’t avoid and that’s the evening meal with the husband and kids. Each mouthful is almost painful, I feel sick as I swallow it, but smile and say how delicious it is. Encourage the children to eat it up. All the while my mind is telling to spit it out as it is poisoned. I can’t put any logic behind it. I bought and cooked the food, my husband and children haven’t been secretly hoarding arsenic from the apple pips. I know it is safe but nothing will convince my mind of it.

The IHTT (Intensive Home Treatment Team) came for their first visit today and the for the first time in a long time I rambled about what is going on. It was very unlike me but it just poured out (a little like this). I don’t know how I feel exposing myself like that. It makes me very wary and worried but also relieved that it has come out of my mouth, someone has listened and that the world has not exploded. The voices hate it more than I do. It’s like I am telling their secrets. Things that should be between them and only I. If I did that they would win and I would have no one to turn to apart from them and we all know what their answer is.

I don’t write much about the voices as I don’t really like to give them validation, the time of day. Their words hurt me more than slicing my arm with a blade. The impact resonates in my head and breaks my heart a little with each comment, whisper or scream. I won’t discuss what they say. It’s not that I don’t think it’s important it’s just that I can’t bear the pain. They get worse than this, I don’t need to antagonise them.

Tears keep on falling

I am sure the purpose of the Ihtt is to make me cry. I normally don’t shed a tear, not even when Charlene married Scott in Neighbours. But that push me to think about the reality that there isn’t anything I can do to get better at the moment,. There is a big possibility that Dr’s will be able to do sod all too. They will mess about with my medication, make me feel like poo and have no real effect apart from the horrific side effects. That makes me think of the actual options I have. I can go through whatever this is and eventually come out of the other side or I don’t. The don’t, gives me a sense of relief almost immediately but then the enormous guilt of what it would do to others that love me.

I would like to say it’s a no brainer but what is happening to me at the moment may have just a destructive impact on their lives. Watching their mother, wife etc become someone I don’t recognise, they must get so confused about why their mum can’t look them in the eye. I just don’t have the feeling at the moment. Of course I still love them I just can’t bear to be around them, there is no emotion in my hug, no warmth in my words.

A few days have passed

The blur of the past week makes my head spin, visits from the nurses, an overdose, consultants appointments, new medication. Then there is now. The tears have almost stopped, if I focus enough. The noise and the people are still here and of course I still hear and see them with a frightening intensity. They blur my sense of reality, the here and now become the then and when. Trying to catch my breath and catch up with my own thoughts.

I have started to think about what I can do to help myself instead of waiting for a solution to be handed to me on a rusty platter. Gone is the self pitying sobs and here is me trying. I have started drawing, reading, listening to music. Any where I go headphones are in my ears and the sounds of the decades pump through them. And of course I am writing a little.

The reading has to be humorous or else the tears would well up again but I still can’t bring myself to laugh. That might be a while but I can wait because I am sure it will start again.

The drawing is a little sketchy, not my best work but it has been a while. I hope they portray some thing about what I am feeling. The first one is of a lady holding her hands over her ears, no surprises or secrets about what that means.

My pledge but not promise

You three are the reason I am here, I know that the pain of every minute means that I could without guilt give in to what the voices want, to be free of me and for me to be free of them. Even though I cannot look you in the eye at the moment and find giving you a hug almost painful. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone including myself.

I know when my light returns you will sink into my warm arms and I will make you smile and laugh. I apologise for the pain of now, but the clearer skies will return. My love for you saves my live, for that I am eternally grateful.

There will be times I am overwhelmed by pain, hurt and confusion. These lead me to make mistakes like the other night. The plans in my head consume me, I get embroiled in the doing, the need to be free. I forget that you need me and I need you. Nothing would hurt me more that hurting you and nothing would hurt you more than if I wasn’t here, on purpose. I think the intent would be more painful that the outcome.

So no matter what storm rages in my mind, you three will be my sun, my rainbow. I just apologise that I am your thunder.

There are clouds in my mind that rain through my eyes

I am not crying as much now. I feel the grief I felt from losing myself has subsided. I am now facing facts, this is what is happening now and I will win the battle or I won’t. There is no middle ground only to be victorious or defeated. No one will be able to say that I didn’t try. I am following all the advice I can, it’s just how long I can bare it without getting into my old habits.

Have a nice shower, read a book, listen to some music. Distract yourself. It is what I am distracting myself from that drives me to the edge. The things I see and hear are beyond my own imagination. They are my souls greatest fears. As I have previously said I won’t share them as that’s letting myself acknowledge them but if you think of the things that scare you the most, the things that make you want to run away or fight the demons. They are what’s haunting me.

The voices are not impressed that I am sharing this with whoever will listen they get me back ten fold but I unable to contain my pain. The agony they cause strikes fear into me, but I am hoping that the fear will bring out the bravery to continue.