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15 Nov 2019, by M Sophia

The worst version of myself

Why do we talk about versions of ourselves? Why do we strive to be better or put so much pressure on ourselves; that our own vision of ourselves become distorted and we come to conclusion we are the worst version. This disturbed thinking creates confusion, and we start to question who we even are. You feel lost, desperately trying to be someone you’re not, fuelled by this perfection society.

Media headline – bikini body, transformation, gained/lost said lbs. Parent shaming, unemployment, business success, education. Social media – luxury lives, wealth, holidays, happiness everything is perfect – perfect body, perfect house, perfect family perfect life. This all contributes to our own self judgement and distorted vision.

There is nothing more painful than not knowing who you are and hating who you are, but this disturbed thinking will never work, as you are who you are! The most beautiful thing is we are not all the same and we are not perfect – no-one is. Yet why can’t we see it?

We have the ability to reassure, care and love others, but we rarely ever give ourselves the same love and care we deserve. This skill has got lost in our quick pace perfectionist society. It’s time we ought to slow down, start facing reality, instead of painting the ideal perfect picture for financial profit and start showing life through honesty & realism for life profits. Our society is run by money and profits which is proving detrimental to our wellbeing. Wouldn’t it be nice if our society ran on health profits instead? One that showed kindness, care, self-love, acceptance, honesty and reality. I wonder how we would view ourselves in this environment?

Would we still be judging ourselves, confused in how we see ourselves? Would we still feel like the worst version of ourselves? Would we be striving for perfection and be disturbed by our own self-image? Will we ever be able to change our society to one that’s driven by self-love and care?

For me this is my biggest struggle, my own self-image is distorted. I feel like I don’t know who I am. I feel the need to change depending on who I am with or where I am etc. The pressure I feel to be someone I am not, is exhausting and makes me constantly feel like I am the worst version of myself. I strive to be this happy, stable, skinny, confident successful version of myself? Can I ever achieve this or am I just distorted by perfection and unrealistic views?

I am trying to accept who I am and start self-loving and be kinder to myself. I’m learning that I need to be reasonable to myself and start ignoring the demons fuelled by BPD -that I’m not worthy, I’m horrible, ugly, fat, failure and unstable etc. etc. and start being kind to myself.

In short, I need to accept the best version of myself is unreasonable and impossible, as no human is perfect. Instead, I am going to start with best version of myself which would be: self-loving, self-caring and accepting. Maybe if I can bring myself to a realistic neutral, I can begin to heal and build on my self-image and care.


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