I want my approval compass back
I am so confused, are we in lockdown are we in easing of lockdown? What do we call today? For the purposes of this I am just going to say 2020 if that suits?
2020 has forced me, and not through choice, to take a really good look at myself. With the lockdown came this time of being forced of getting to know me and things about me because, well, there were no distractions like going out, activities etc. One of the many things I have learned about me is how much I rely on other peoples approval and not my own. And I mean for practically everything.
Am I doing this right? I have a thought is it right? I am not sure what to do, I think this, but is this wrong or right please tell me. I hope you get the idea.
With just having me around to parent, be a grown up, rely on me, it felt really daunting. I felt I had lost my way and that’s when I learned I constantly seek other peoples approval and it is like having this compass that I follow and their approval was the goal, the destination, the relief that everything was going to be alright.
But I know it is actually me having no sense of self confidence, self belief, self worth, self esteem.
I am looking back over these last months and as scary, anxious, lonely and at times hopeless I have felt I did it. I got through it. Not feeling strong like Wonder Woman (I wish!) but feeling more exhausted, yet I did it. I still got through to today, and here I am typing away telling you. And that is an achievement to acknowledge and recognise.
I am learning that achievement does not always feel that overwhelming feeling of “boy I am so great I got through it and I feel and am fabulous!” but it can also feel “I feel like I have been dragged through a hedge and I want to spend the next age in pj’s eating my body weight in chocolate watching tele”. Yet both these thoughts have come from the same outcome – achievement, getting there, getting through it.
I am also learning that I can rely on me, even if I don’t feel great doing so at times, but I feel more ok with me and my own decisions and that I give me more credit and I know I can get through this.
So I have learned that I never did need that approval compass, I had me to rely on and that is good enough. So I am closing the compass now, and walking away, just me.