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04 Apr 2022, by Daviddb83

Hopefully this helps

Hopefully, writing this down will help.
I’ve suffered from depression since my teenage years. I’d be very very down when the dark nights set in. Later my sister died from meningitis. I don’t know how much of a role this is playing on my mental health now, as I tend to block things out.
I’m now nearly 40 and if anything, my mental health is deteriorating more as I’m getting older.

I moved countries, but I found that you can’t run away from your problems and they are firmly with me and here to stay.
I am married with a 8 year old son. I was separated from my wife and son for 2.5 years as I left for my home country hoping we’d relocate there once I found work and my wife got a visa. 2.5 years later it didn’t work out, due to me not being able to hold down a job, due to anxiety and depression, and not having my wife and son with me. Then covid hit too, plus my wife wasn’t committed to moving countries.
Now I’m back with them in her home country.

Being apart has ruined my relationship with both my wife and son. My wife and I are not as close.
I believe my son has a slight learning disability and he is behind in school. He needs help and that was my main motivation for wanting to relocate back to my home country to get the help he needs.

I suffer terribly from parental guilt and I am a lazy selfish parent. I constantly beat myself up daily for my son’s short comings. I love him dearly but I should never have become a parent.
He goes to boarding school, so when I see him at the weekend I try to work and learn with him but he gives up almost immediately and I get very angry. I can’t help it, that the way my Dad was with me. The red mist descends and I lose my cool.
I constantly worry for my son and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I drink too much alcohol to block it out. I like to exercise but I can’t seem to motivate myself to do that at the minute.

I know I should be grateful and live in the present but it’s just so hard to be positive. I’ve never been positive. I don’t know what I hope to achieve by writing this down and I’ve written a blog before. If there’s anyone out there going through similar experiences please get in touch.

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