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29 Dec 2020 , by Elena

Elena’s Story: Living side-by-side with BPD

For as long as I remember I have suffered with anxiety and depression, all my life I behaved in a certain way which most people would describe as “different” I have always felt like an outsider and my emotions have always been very intense regardless of what I’m feeling.

Hi my name is Elena Ramona, I am 30 year old musician based in the UK.

In my teens to early adulthood I dabbled with recreational drugs and alcohol to try and self medicate and numb myself from the intense reality I was feeling around me that I couldn’t understand, I wasn’t able to reach out to any one due to feeling shame that I wasn’t coping.

In my late teens to early adulthood I had an unhealthy relationship with myself and others around me. It sounds corny, but being able to write songs was my only escape. I felt like someone, like a normal human with purpose coping with every day life, I could escape in my music and create a world much more simpler than my own.

Don’t get me wrong, to this day I am able to mask my intense emotions and make people believe everything is ok, I have always found it easier to do this than to pour my heart out while being confronted.

That’s the beauty of having BPD no one can tell, most of the time we are able to disguise ourselves as your everyday busy happy stable neighbour who seems to have everything figured out.

Ok I am babbling back to my story, after being in and out of the mental health system for 6 years, In 2019 at 29 and being at breaking point after being accused by a loved one’s parents of being controlling and manipulative I’d had enough and sort professional help through my community mental health team where I was finally diagnosed with BPD.

Getting my diagnosis opened my eyes, it also made me feel less isolated and ostracised by society. Getting the correct help has assisted me to firstly understand myself more and help my loved ones understand me too.

I have a long way to go and a big journey towards recovery ahead of me but I am that one step closer to being able to live side by side with BPD in peace.

I see my BPD as a gift on good days, without it would I be so creative, passionate and understanding of other people’s emotions…?

The word BPD holds so much stigma and it is my mission to share my story to help others struggling or feeling left out, inclusion is key and if I can help one person feel less alone, that to me is more important than selling out stadiums. I want to be remembered as more than just another person who was a musician, I want to be remembered as someone who changed the way people perceived complex stigmatised mental health conditions forever.

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