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09 May 2013, by thelittletern

Do I Flirt with the Dog?

Sometimes I just don’t know who I am anymore, or at least, the competing perceptions collide.

I, too, was one of those people who grew into an adult that believed I was special: intuitive, gifted… that I was destined for great things and here to help others. And then on my heroic journey to help others, I realised that the person who needed the most help of all was myself. I had no idea who I was. I was overwhelmingly full of pain and had been holding my breath my entire life.

There were windows of freedom on my healing journey. Times when I danced and sang, and thought I’d really found my bliss… And to this day still, I have moments where people come to “bask” in the light that I supposedly shine. But why is that I sometimes struggle to feel that light within?

How can I one moment be soaring the thermals of my perfect blessed life, to then come crashing down? Wondering if I’m deluded. Wondering if it’s all just been a great lie.

So, it’s not consistent, this dance between perfection and despair. And all these years on, I’m still learning to be with what is.

Today, I step out for the first time as “thelittletern”.

And I do it both for myself, and for all the other people who feel they carry damaged wings at times. I’d like to believe that time is a great healer, and we all find our way eventually, but I also know from painful experience that other don’t. I write this for you too, my friend, and those like you who chose to step away from this life as you knew it and to escape the pain.

You were never alone. And you’re not now. And neither is anyone who happens to be reading this post.

So I sit here in this moment now, traversing all time and space, and with love. Once again inhabiting that strange place of needing, and giving to others as well as myself. Maybe that’s just how life is.


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