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15 Dec 2019 , by Faye

A story of hope and recovery

As it’s coming up to Christmas and we all look back at our year, I can say I’ve had the best.

You see I may well have spent a lot of time at the start of the year and the previous 15 years doing things that weren’t good for me, bad choices, bad people, bad situations. I treat good people bad and bad people fabulously, I had a horrifically awful job in which I thought people where my friends and in fact they weren’t.

So maybe you’re wondering as to why I say I’ve had the best year?

Because I’ve had them bad times yes, but I’ve also had the most amazing time, really getting to know myself again, letting go of all the bad things and welcoming all the good, I have found new love for myself which in turn has made me find new love, in my partner in my family in my friends, in my job and in the world.

I always used to think, God why do I always make these outrageously bad decisions?! I’ve been like this since being 15 and I’ve tried, I’ve really tried to stop and think and some months I can go and make good choices but it always comes back to bad ones.

Now, let me tell you, I have been to the doctors many a time and I have been put on every single anti-depressant there is out there… yes every single one and none made me better not one. In fact some made me worse, I kept going back and going back and nothing.

Then, I got out of the job I hated at the pub and I went reluctantly to the doctors and here’s where it gets amazing – I told her the same things I’ve told every single doctor for 15 years of my life… and she sat there and she said, “Oh darling, I’m so very sorry that you’ve felt this way and no-one’s helped you.” I thought yeah, yeah.

She said, “I am an expert in this field and you have bipolar type 2, I’m so very sorry you’ve gone 15 years without the right tablets.” And just like that I knew this was it, this was the start of my new life the life I should have had 15 years ago.

No more making bad decisions even when I knew no good would come, no more doing drugs and then feeling the overwhelming feeling of guilt, no more making bad judgments.

I get that for a lot of people tablets just aren’t enough and it’s not some miracle pill but, for me, I already did meditation, positive thinking, etc. but it still wasn’t working. I needed the right chemicals in my brain (from the tablets) and I’m happy, for the first time in 15 years I am able to say I am happy.

It’s been nine months now since I was diagnosed and on the tablets they prescribed me and my life has dramatically changed for the better. I have a job which I love, I’m giving back the love that was given to me when I was in such bad times.

I am so very lucky the first tablets they put me on worked. The absolute love I have for that doctor is something I cannot describe, she has changed my life. No more wanting to kill myself, being good to the wrong people. Just Faye, the real Faye.

With that I would like to thank my AMAZING family who have had to watch me doing whatever it was I was doing for 15 years and not being able to do anything about it. Most people would have let me go but you guys have been continually there for me throughout, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so much.

So, with it being Christmas and it sometimes being really hard when you have mental health issues, I thought I’d share my story and I’m saying hang on in there. In your darkest deepest days, remember it took me 15 whole years but I did it, I came out the other side, you can too.

Also, be kind. We never ever know what people have gone through. When you see people doing bad things, help them and love them – that’s all anyone really needs, kindness and love. I hope you all have a fabulous Christmas, I know I will.

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