Need to talk?

SANEline is open between 4pm to 10pm, 365 days a year

Call 0300 304 7000

More ways to get support

Explore this section
Forum Navigation
Forum breadcrumbs - You are here:Support ForumRant RoomNeed to vent.
Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Need to vent.

Trying to get my head around something and could use some opinions to help me sort it in my head. It's a long story but;

I'm a man in my early 40's.

I was in a 5 year relationship, this was my first and only (so far) long term relationship since my marriage ended. We met not long after my marriage ended - it was one of those chance meetings on the school run. We got to chatting, and it wasn't anymore than that for a long time as I was really hurt over the end of my marriage (my ex wife left me for a man she had an affair with). After around a year of knowing each other we started dating and quickly fell into a relationship.

We never lived together, I had suggested it at one point, but she felt we were better as we were, at least until our kids from previous relationships were a little older. I was ok with this as honestly, she was terrible with money, frequently failing to pay bills or her rent and at one point was evicted from her home because of it (this was when I invited her and her son to live with me).

Anyway, the relationship was, at times, a challenge. She was convinced I was still in love with my ex wife throughout our relationship simply because we managed to co-parent our child effectively and weren't at each others throats all the time like she was with her ex-husband who was the father of her child. We had little in common and shared few interests. Had different priorities and values. But - we had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time together with the kids as well. She would always say I was the only man who'd ever treated her well, supported her and didn't treat her like a piece of meat.

Anyway, one night we were chatting late at night after a few drinks and she decided she wanted complete honesty and confessed to me that for the past few months she'd been making extra money by doing phone sex. I felt a little perturbed by this, but was ultimately ok with it - and this led me to confess that I'd dabbled in crossdressing in the past and had been curious about experimenting with other men on occasion but had never gone through with it, but assured her I would always be faithful to her.

She LOVED this. And decided to indulge my crossdressing, buying me outfits, doing my make up and helping me with hair and thanks to her I was able to convincingly pass as female and we went out a few times as women. I couldn't have been happier.

Anyway, along came the pandemic, and the lockdowns here. To begin with, she was taking it all very seriously and taking every precaution, while I did the same. We didn't see each other for a few months as we were both being diligent but talking on the phone daily. Eventually we were allowed to 'support bubble' with one other household where there was only one adult so we were each others and this meant that we could spend a little time together at each others homes.

Then, I got taken ill (not covid). I was hospitalised and came close to dying. I had to sheild, as my immune system had basically been turned off with medication and this meant I couldn't take any risks at all with covid.

This tied in with her getting bored of lockdowns and deciding to ignore the advice and started having parties and friends over etc.

She'd invite me, knowing my situation, and telling me to 'just wear a mask' despite the fact I was struggling to breathe and could barely get ut of bed for more than a few hours each day, and getting angry and impatient with me if I didn't take her out places etc.

I didn't know this - but she'd started to tell her friends that she thought I was cheating on her, with men, (she'd told all her friends about what I'd confessed)

As I recovered, and had the vaccines (which she refused to get) we started to see each other a little more but I was still getting tired easily and this had an impact on our sex life - which again led to her convincing herself I was cheating on her.

IT all came to a head one night when after some wine, I was too tired for sex and she got angry at me, and confessed that she'd been feeling neglected for a while and had fallen in love with a married co-worker (who didn't even know about it), had slept with another man while I was recovering, and that she didn't want to be with 'a bummer' (her words) she no longer had feelings for me, and had felt this way for a while.

We broke up on the spot. I was crushed, as I hadn't seen any of this coming, from my point of view, aside from the impatience about my covid precautions, she'd seemed supportive and understanding to me. I spent along time trying to reconcile.

Over the next few months, she vilified me as if I'd done something terrible to her, talking *** about me to anyone who'd listen but eventually, we'd managed to get back a tentative friendship.

that all ended about 4 months ago though (we'd been broken up 18 months at this point). Having been single for some time, and coming to the realisation that she was not right for me, I had decided to explore those urges I'd had before, and finally accepted that I'm bisexual, and slept with a man.

the mistake I'd made was forgetting that her gay best friend will do anything for drama, had seen me on a gay hookup app and showed her my profile.

She kicked right off at me, and harrassed me for weeks about how i'd lied to her, betrayed her, 'duped' her, and sending me vitriolic messages and voicemails.

She deleted me on social media and we've not spoken since.

I spoke to a mutual acquaintance yesterday, and now, almost 2 years since we broke up she's still furious with me, bad mouths me at every opportunity, tells lies about me, and takes any opportunity she can to tell people what a scumbag I am, and how she's glad she cheated on me.

She's suffering with depression, doing drugs, failing to pay her bills, getting into trouble at work and blaming all of this on me.

She's told her son everything, from her point of view, and he now hates me (we'd managed to stay in touch as I was the closest thing to an involved dad he had).

So far, she's not said anything to my family or friends (i'm not out yet about my sexuality, purely because I need to be sure my ex wife won't make things difficult for me regarding child access, and my ex-gfs reaction has honestly scared me)

Now, I don't think i've done anything wrong, but her reaction has obviously come from somewhere. No smoke without fire so to speak.

From MY point of view, I fell in love, opened up, fell ill, and got cheated on. SHE slept with someone else. SHE fell for someone else. SHE couldn't support me when I needed her the most, despite the fact that for 5 years I'd dropped everything and come running to bail her out of crisis after crisis of her own making (like her eviction, when I spent my savings paying her debts to make sure she could get a home).

Yet, I'm being vilified by someone who left ME, for someone else, for finally exploring my sexuality - she's acting as thought I'd slept with this guy while we were together and was the reason for our break up when it was a full year after we split before I did anything.

Why would she be so angry, about something that had no bearing on our relationship, and occurred so long after we split up and she insisted she had no feelings for me anymore??

Or am I in the wrong? Is she right to be angry?

More to the point, how can i stop caring so much what she thinks?

Sounds like you are better without her. I know that is easier said than done. However, once someone has cheated on you, together with shown you disrespect, it is hard to get back to a good place with one another. Take good care of yourself and fill your life with people who make you feel happy. God bless 🙂

Yes, she sounds very insecure. Arguinh with hee ex all the time, poor with money etc.

However, lots of people just blame others instead of looking inwards and taking responsibility for themselves.

People who bad mouth others do so to nake themselves feel better, by badmouthing you she doesn't need to feel guilty for cheating on you.

It doesn't take away your hurt though.

Quote from Saneuser pico park on 30 June 2023, 7:04 pm

Yes, she sounds very insecure. Arguinh with hee ex all the time, poor with money etc.

However, lots of people just blame others instead of looking inwards and taking responsibility for themselves.

People who bad mouth others do so to nake themselves feel better, by badmouthing you she doesn't need to feel guilty for cheating on you.

It doesn't take away your hurt though.


After someone has deceived you and treated you poorly, it can be difficult to rebuild trust.

Quote from darrickhammonds on 29 January 2024, 1:48 am
Quote from Saneuser Carmatec on 30 June 2023, 7:04 pm

Yes, she sounds very insecure. Arguinh with hee ex all the time, poor with money etc.

However, lots of people just blame others instead of looking inwards and taking responsibility for themselves.

People who bad mouth others do so to nake themselves feel better, by badmouthing you she doesn't need to feel guilty for cheating on you.

It doesn't take away your hurt though.

After someone has deceived you and treated you poorly, it can be difficult to rebuild trust.

Thanks for this awesome post. Keep up the good work

Hey there,

I just want you to know that your journey sounds incredibly challenging, and it's clear you've faced a lot of ups and downs. It takes strength to be true to yourself and explore your identity. Remember, you deserve understanding and support for your choices. It's tough dealing with someone's anger and negativity, but focus on those who appreciate and accept you for who you are. Surround yourself with positive energy and keep moving forward. Your well-being matters, and I'm here to offer support whenever you need it. ?

Quote from ComplexHeart Strands on 5 February 2023, 1:05 pm

Trying to get my head around something and could use some opinions to help me sort it in my head. It's a long story but;

I'm a man in my early 40's.

I was in a 5 year relationship, this was my first and only (so far) long term relationship since my marriage ended. We met not long after my marriage ended - it was one of those chance meetings on the school run. We got to chatting, and it wasn't anymore than that for a long time as I was really hurt over the end of my marriage (my ex wife left me for a man she had an affair with). After around a year of knowing each other we started dating and quickly fell into a relationship.

We never lived together, I had suggested it at one point, but she felt we were better as we were, at least until our kids from previous relationships were a little older. I was ok with this as honestly, she was terrible with money, frequently failing to pay bills or her rent and at one point was evicted from her home because of it (this was when I invited her and her son to live with me).

Anyway, the relationship was, at times, a challenge. She was convinced I was still in love with my ex wife throughout our relationship simply because we managed to co-parent our child effectively and weren't at each others throats all the time like she was with her ex-husband who was the father of her child. We had little in common and shared few interests. Had different priorities and values. But - we had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time together with the kids as well. She would always say I was the only man who'd ever treated her well, supported her and didn't treat her like a piece of meat.

Anyway, one night we were chatting late at night after a few drinks and she decided she wanted complete honesty and confessed to me that for the past few months she'd been making extra money by doing phone sex. I felt a little perturbed by this, but was ultimately ok with it - and this led me to confess that I'd dabbled in crossdressing in the past and had been curious about experimenting with other men on occasion but had never gone through with it, but assured her I would always be faithful to her.

She LOVED this. And decided to indulge my crossdressing, buying me outfits, doing my make up and helping me with hair and thanks to her I was able to convincingly pass as female and we went out a few times as women. I couldn't have been happier.

Anyway, along came the pandemic, and the lockdowns here. To begin with, she was taking it all very seriously and taking every precaution, while I did the same. We didn't see each other for a few months as we were both being diligent but talking on the phone daily. Eventually we were allowed to 'support bubble' with one other household where there was only one adult so we were each others and this meant that we could spend a little time together at each others homes.

Then, I got taken ill (not covid). I was hospitalised and came close to dying. I had to sheild, as my immune system had basically been turned off with medication and this meant I couldn't take any risks at all with covid.

This tied in with her getting bored of lockdowns and deciding to ignore the advice and started having parties and friends over etc.

She'd invite me, knowing my situation, and telling me to 'just wear a mask' despite the fact I was struggling to breathe and could barely get ut of bed for more than a few hours each day, and getting angry and impatient with me if I didn't take her out places etc.

I didn't know this - but she'd started to tell her friends that she thought I was cheating on her, with men, (she'd told all her friends about what I'd confessed)

As I recovered, and had the vaccines (which she refused to get) we started to see each other a little more but I was still getting tired easily and this had an impact on our sex life - which again led to her convincing herself I was cheating on her.

IT all came to a head one night when after some wine, I was too tired for sex and she got angry at me, and confessed that she'd been feeling neglected for a while and had fallen in love with a married co-worker (who didn't even know about it), had slept with another man while I was recovering, and that she didn't want to be with 'a bummer' (her words) she no longer had feelings for me, and had felt this way for a while.

We broke up on the spot. I was crushed, as I hadn't seen any of this coming, from my point of view, aside from the impatience about my covid precautions, she'd seemed supportive and understanding to me. I spent along time trying to reconcile.

Over the next few months, she vilified me as if I'd done something terrible to her, talking *** about me to anyone who'd listen but eventually, we'd managed to get back a tentative friendship.

that all ended about 4 months ago though (we'd been broken up 18 months at this point). Having been single for some time, and coming to the realisation that she was not right for me, I had decided to explore those urges I'd had before, and finally accepted that I'm bisexual, and slept with a man.

the mistake I'd made was forgetting that her gay best friend will do anything for drama, had seen me on a gay hookup app and showed her my profile.

She kicked right off at me, and harrassed me for weeks about how i'd lied to her, betrayed her, 'duped' her, and sending me vitriolic messages and voicemails.

She deleted me on social media and we've not spoken since.

I spoke to a mutual acquaintance yesterday, and now, almost 2 years since we broke up she's still furious with me, bad mouths me at every opportunity, tells lies about me, and takes any opportunity she can to tell people what a scumbag I am, and how she's glad she cheated on me.

She's suffering with depression, doing drugs, failing to pay her bills, getting into trouble at work and blaming all of this on me.

She's told her son everything, from her point of view, and he now hates me (we'd managed to stay in touch as I was the closest thing to an involved dad he had).

So far, she's not said anything to my family or friends (i'm not out yet about my sexuality, purely because I need to be sure my ex wife won't make things difficult for me regarding child access, and my ex-gfs reaction has honestly scared me)

Now, I don't think i've done anything wrong, but her reaction has obviously come from somewhere. No smoke without fire so to speak.

From MY point of view, I fell in love, opened up, fell ill, and got cheated on. SHE slept with someone else. SHE fell for someone else. SHE couldn't support me when I needed her the most, despite the fact that for 5 years I'd dropped everything and come running to bail her out of crisis after crisis of her own making (like her eviction, when I spent my savings paying her debts to make sure she could get a home).

Yet, I'm being vilified by someone who left ME, for someone else, for finally exploring my sexuality - she's acting as thought I'd slept with this guy while we were together and was the reason for our break up when it was a full year after we split before I did anything.

Why would she be so angry, about something that had no bearing on our relationship, and occurred so long after we split up and she insisted she had no feelings for me anymore??

Or am I in the wrong? Is she right to be angry?

More to the point, how can i stop caring so much what she thinks?

It's also possible that she's feeling hurt and betrayed by the fact that you explored your sexuality after your breakup, especially if she had unresolved feelings for you or if she's struggling with her own sexual identity. However, it's important to remember that your sexuality is a personal matter, and you have the right to explore it without judgment or criticism from others.

Please help us support others in need!

Make a donation

Close menu