Feeling a bit crap tonight. An accumulation of triggers have really reinforced my core belief that I have ruined so much of everyone's life (due to mental illness) which makes me a 'shit person' who is at fault and in the wrong and less significant than EVERYONE in my family and everyone full stop.
I've had a really bad dip after a really good spell. I was actually feeling happy and more like myself!!! But when the dips come.... It's hell. I can't beat it. It feels like someone is clasping each side of my head with their massive hands emptying my mind of all thoughts and emotions other than a horrible, tangible, unshakeable and relentless emptiness. No motivation, exhaustion, dead-pan and staring at the wall, totally unable to lift myself out of the fog and even pretend to be 'okay', 'normal' and 'functioning', let alone fake smiles, false laughs and pretend happiness. No enjoyment, poor concentration, no desire to go out, easily getting bored, able to concentrate on little more than watching TV and even that feels a drag. Exhaustion on waking, right after breakfast, early evening.... Always.
I cope the only way I can. Sleep. Excessive sleep. I don't get dressed, I don't go out and I just want to be alone. Any noise irritates me and grates on me. Anxiety goes through the roof and I start catastrophising. Finger hovers over the self destruct button. I want to chuck all the good I've achieved away and cancel all my plans. This time, I don't. I postpone, I explain, I accept and since I have returned to these positive aspects in my life. That is a significant change. No more 'All or Nothing'.
I need to offload but have nobody. I only anger and upset and irritate my mother and my father is so caring but he just doesn't get it. My mother has said several very hurtful things to me recently, especially over these last couple of days.
Today she told me how I've ruined so much because I'm anorexic. My nephew turned one today and she said I ruined this special moment for her. When we sang 'Happy Birthday' to him today, she closed the door on me and all my family bar me started singing to him without me. My brother (who I'm staying with) came in from work and didn't even say hello to me. Hasn't even asked a simple 'How are things, Em?' all day. We used to be so close. My mother mocked my appearance saying I look like a child and that no other women my age looks and acts like me. She said my therapy has been pointless because I'm not actually getting better. I'm currently setting up a really small scale business selling crafts and preservatives. It's a real positive for me. She just smashed it down and said I'm only doing it because I'm obsessed with food, cooking and feeding others.
She says things like, 'why can't you just be happy?' and 'not everything is about how bad you feel'. She's made a lot of snide comments about how selfish I am and can no longer do anything about my situation. She's fed up of me, basically.
I've been sitting silently amidst my family today. Thank Heavens for the kids. My niece loves me to bits. But I felt so out of place with my family. I don't belong. A black sheep. My brother is worrying about his job and home and when I gave him advice about his future, I actually genuinely said 'I know I probably have no idea what I'm on about and that my life is shit in comparison to yours as you have an important job and important life decisions to make, but I think....' I have no self esteem. I can't stop crying and have had to hide in the bathroom and bedroom so nobody notices I'm upset.
I don't even know why I'm here. I know I need to get out of living with my parents. For their sanity and, erm, mine. Or at least to reduce my anxiety and incessant worrying and paranoia that I've done something wrong to upset them. But it all seems so hard. I can't hold down a job with enough hours to earn enough money to move out. I can't work full time now because when the lows come I'm no bloody good to anyone. I'm coping with voluntary work but I worked an extra two days last week and ended up unable to make my next shift due to physical and mental exhaustion. Also my anorexia causes me to get tired easily and when I'm anxious and stressed I don't eat for control but then I lose weight and burn out and crash.
I also know that if I don't care for myself well enough during the lows in the house with my parents, it's even less likely that I would do so living alone. Less reason and pressure to eat.... I'd quickly get sicker.
I want to get well. I do. Nobody would ever choose anorexia or depression. It's hard because when the depression is strong it's too damn strong for me to beat so I ride it out. When I'm feeling better, I have been able to experience genuine pleasure, love, affection, motivation, self-compassion, enjoyment and enthusiasm. But tackling the anorexia, weight gain and triggering comments (have had a lot of triggering comments plus an unexpected weight gain recently) makes me feel worse so I restrict which helps but doesn't because my body is hungry so my mind is unhappy. Bleurgh.
I started to think of death again tonight. Visualising myself at a train station. The simple jump. What a waste. It is hope of better things that I hold on to. But the feeling of not wanting to exist hurts me deep inside.
I feel alone, a let down, out cast, worthless. Sad. Guilty. Drained. In need of knowing someone cares. In need of reassurance to keep going.
Moments like this and my faith consoles me. Now I am exhausted. Head spinning, still crying, numb. I feel convinced the one person I try with my all to please - my mother - hates me and blames me.
I will sleep now and escape from the pain of sadness and loss. Tomorrow is a new day.
I have no idea if anyone actually read this!! Sorry it was so long and me just rambling on about random things. It helped to get it out of my system anyways. I should sleep better now at least.