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Shut out of new relationship

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
mimosas
Posts: 95
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Mon Feb 19, 2018 11:42 am

Thanks James. He is on meds, he said for anxiety. If this does turn out to be depression on top he might need more, the problem for me is I am still only guessing. I could be putting 2 and 2 together and making 500.


The other concern is he is on strong painkillers with a side effect of depression, i looked them up, not sure if he knows that.

We'll see. Obviously there's a funeral etc to arrange now, I'll need to take a step back from that. If he can just let me know he's ok on a regular basis I can rest a little easier.

mimosas
Posts: 95
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Tue Feb 20, 2018 12:20 pm

Well I have done what I probably shouldn't have done. I messaged his son saying what had happened and that I was worried. I said nothing about MH issues. I asked him not to tell his dad as he was probably already pissed off with me.

Next thing I get a whatsapp from him saying don't contact my son. I apologised to both. I said I was worried, he said I'm fine thanks. I replied you're not fine with me , you're like a different person. Then I gave him both barrels.

I said this is what I get for caring, I should turn into a complete bitch like all the other bitter and twisted women, I should have given up when he said it was over and told myself it was all too good to be true, but that it's not how I am and not how he is either. I said you've now had my worst but I am still prepared to wait for you to come back from wherever you are and we can see what happens.

He's read all that. Now I need to step away from the phone. This is awful.

arwen2018
Posts: 120
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby arwen2018 » Tue Feb 20, 2018 1:41 pm

Oh Mimosas, so sorry to hear that. I would have done the same. We are only human after all and we make mistakes. But we do it because we care.
Leave it for now. Give him some space and keep yourself busy. Arrgh, this illness is so tough to deal with!

mimosas
Posts: 95
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Tue Feb 20, 2018 4:23 pm

Thankyou Arwen. I'm not proud of what I did, and I was hoping his son could have given me some insight without contacting him. I will leave him now to stew on it. I have dealt with all this only assuming its depression, I am 99% a sure it is but I've not said it to him and he hasn't told me. He could just be being a total arse.

On the plus side, I have been on a weight loss programme for over a year, been struggling (cheating!) for a while, just weighed in today and lost 2.5 kilo so the stress of this has had one bonus!

mimosas
Posts: 95
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Tue Feb 20, 2018 4:27 pm

Thankyou Arwen. I'm not proud of what I did, and I was hoping his son could have given me some insight without contacting him. I will leave him now to stew on it. I have dealt with all this only assuming its depression, I am 99% a sure it is but I've not said it to him and he hasn't told me. He could just be being a total arse.

On the plus side, I have been on a weight loss programme for over a year, been struggling (cheating!) for a while, just weighed in today and lost 2.5 kilo so the stress of this has had one bonus!

sirhugo
Posts: 263
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby sirhugo » Wed Feb 21, 2018 10:49 am

hey mimosas. ive read your story and i feel your pain.

personally i have strong opinions about depression and realtionships. i suffer from depression myself and i am well aware of the urge to push my partner away or lash out at her. however i swallow the urge and refuse to do this. i dont believe that depression is a valid reason for this behaviour. it seems to me that some people use depression and an excuse to treat people poorly.

even if you do love this man, in my humble opinion the stress and misery hes caused you means that hes not worth it.

i hope it all works out for you. take care

mimosas
Posts: 95
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Wed Feb 21, 2018 11:36 am

Sirhugo thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and reply. The people on here are so supportive but to also have the view of someone who is a sufferer themselves adds even more weight. I'm glad you have said that you and no doubt others like you recognise that pushing away loved ones is not good and you can choose not to do it. It gives me hope that not all sufferers are the same.

I do agree with you that he might not be worth it and one day I might have to come to that conclusion, but I'm not ready to do that just yet. I just need him to tell me what this is all about, give me some idea of when he thinks he will get past this episode and what I should do. I just need that background info. I can handle it for example if he says leave me be for a month. It's a long distance relationship, I would miss the daily banter (I do already) but if there was an end in sight I would mark off the days and hope for better days to come and things to be how they were when we were together. It's the not knowing that is the most difficult part.

He was upfront with me from the first time we met - me not so much, altho I did say I had health problems and was ill health retired, but that I am more well now than I have been since my DX, my health always comes up when I meet someone new because I am single and not working here. I don't do lies. I did tell him about the M.E. before he came over again, and I told him I like people to get to know me first rather than look at me as a diagnosis and I am sure that applies to people with MH problems as well ... they will want to meet and be at the best they can be. Perfectly understandable but we owe each other the decency to warn of any potential problems that might come up. As a person with a chronic illness I understand that.

I'm in this one for the long haul, I'm stubborn, I've fought my own illness, I can support someone else with theirs within reason and provided it doesn't make me ill again myself, I waited long enough for someone to make me feel as good as he did so I can wait a bit longer.

arwen2018
Posts: 120
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby arwen2018 » Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:39 pm

Hi Mimosas

I totally understand when you say you're not ready to give up on your guy yet. You'll find out that most of us don't want to give up on our partners. But remember that you and your health come first. I didn't want to give up on my ex, but unfortunately, he gave up on us, on me.

arwen2018
Posts: 120
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby arwen2018 » Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:42 pm

Hi Sirhugo

It is always good to hear from the perspective of someone who suffers from depression. I guess everyone is different in how they deal with their illness. My ex completely shut me out when he hit a major low. I messaged him starting 2-3 times a week to only once a week to let him know I was here for him, that I loved him, etc. He very rarely replied and if he did it was void of any affection or emotion, which was understandable. Most of the times I had no idea how he was and if he was dead or alive. My offer to meet with him for a chat or coffee were ignored. Anyway, after nearly 2 months he finally came round to mine to break up with me because he wasn't stable and didn't want to ruin my life or my son's life. I said I would wait for him to get better as I have waited that long already if he continued with taking his meds and communicated with me. He said we both had to seriously think about this and when he left I had hope he would reconsider breaking up with me. But his actions the following day onwards indicated he was going through the break up. My ex has been on 25mg Sertraline for 5 weeks, then increased to 100mg about 5 weeks ago. He appears to be feeling better in that he is interacting with friends and is on social media and WhatsApp a lot. However, his behaviour is worrying. His cousin felt it was as if he has gone back 15 years ago and being a lad. My ex isn't taking care of himself and has refused to look into counselling for his unresolved issues from his past. He has reached out to friends from his past, who when he was well he wouldn't have associated himself with. His cousin has been trying to get him on a course so he can start working, but after 2 failures, I think my ex has given up. He isn't making any effort to find a job anymore. It would seem that he has stopped caring about anything or anyone. He has young kids. His ex has threatened to stop him seeing them because of his MH issues. He has thrown away what could have been a very promising future with me. I'm hurt and frustrated that he isn't doing anything positive to get out of this hole. Any advice?

mimosas
Posts: 95
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Wed Feb 21, 2018 3:57 pm

Arwen yes not ready to give up yet but any decision needs to be made when I know more .... at the moment most of this is just guesswork. I'm playing the waiting game and each day I am getting a little further back to my normal life and not constantly thinking about him so I guess that's progress.

Thanks for being here x


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