I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have a pretty good life aside from my biological father not giving a sh’t about me and some minor financial issues, I’d say I have a very good and privileged life. But I just can’t help but feel… i don’t know, teary most of the time. I always hear this voice telling me my flaws and how pathetic I am. That I’m sad for no reason and that I don’t have the right to be. I would then spiral into a cycle of guilt for feeling that way and continue criticising myself. It hurts and sometimes I can’t even express myself with crying. I just feel dry and heavy? Like I’m empty but at the same time I’m bottling everything in?
I don’t think I have the right to feel sad. Not when I have three meals a day, a shelter over my head and a loving mother. Sometimes I just want to disappear because I’ll just be a disappointment in the end and no one truly cares for me. You see, I have two older brothers. They are really close and I feel like an outsider. I think a contributor to this is because my mum favours me over them, which she admits herself but the only reason she does is because I was born a female. I know she won’t love me as much if was a boy. I’d pale in comparison to my brothers and become a true outsider. I have a horrible personality in public which I think I mainly project just to cover up my anxiety over people, and it’s a wonder that I even made any friends. My friends, well, they can definitely live on without me. I'm not an important person in their lives, in fact I feel that my toxic persona is only causing them pain. I’m just so tired. I’m tired of myself and my thoughts. I’m tired of hiding in the wardrobe so that no one would see or hear me cry at home. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so pathetic, weak and whiny? I have another brother who is my fraternal twin but he died during birth and I can’t help but wish he survived instead of me.