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Alone.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
littleem
Posts: 380
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:08 am

Thanks Isap,

Hope you're well.

Em xx

littleem
Posts: 380
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:22 am

Thanks Deb,

That's right. I thought, if I had a broken leg for example... I could do everything I could to get better like resting and taking the right medication, but I would have to still wait for the body to heal it. Some days, I would feel better and brighter than others and other days I'm sure I would be down right fed up.

Likewise, I'm doing what I can to help this chemically imbalanced brain of mine and some days feel better than others, but if we could just fix our brains in an instant.... Well, I think we all would have done that by now.

I do feel let down by the mental health services in all honesty and I feel I'm deserving of more support but I think being dead is the criteria for that. Sorry to be so cynical. It's just so bad it's almost comical.

Yes, I am Catholic too. My faith was very strong before the depression. To the point where I was accepted to enter a Convent. Honestly! Haha! Faith helps me make sense of things sometimes and always keeps me going even though I feel very distant to it all. But I somehow feel it's okay that I'm that way just now.

I hope you've had a nice week. Take care Deb, and thanks.

Em xx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Jan 27, 2018 1:11 am

Hi Em!

Thank you for your gratitude but it is not necessary, you help and support me too.
I can strongly relate to the way you describe being your own bully. I have always had this, is that the same for you or is it a symptom of the depression?

Being discharged from ED service must be a real mix of emotions. You still have the CBT and Mindfulness don't you? I know it is hard to ask for help and a real blow when it doesn't materialise. For me it feels like a confirmation that I am worthless. I hope you are not feeling like that because it couldn't be further from the truth. You matter, you are loved and cared for and rightly so.

BTW. What the NHS therapist said about discharge if you miss two appointments seems to be standard across the country. I think they have to tell everyone the same thing. The budget constraints on the services are... well... insane is the only word for it. Whatever happened to 'a stitch in time saves nine'? Shortsighted funding decisions seem to be the cause but that doesn't make it any better for any of us who are relying on these services.

Take care of yourself lovely Em. Hope to hear more from you soon.
xxx

deb1960
Posts: 1655
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Sat Jan 27, 2018 11:57 am

Em, my sister is a num. She is my oldest sister and lovely. She is a worrier but thank goodness doesn't have mental health problems. I don't know you know but St Catherine of Sienna had an eating disorder. I've just read a book on her by Don Brophy called Catherine of Sienna. A Passionate Life. I think her ED came from fasting. I don't think it became a psycological problem because every bit of her was obsessed with God. That requires a grace that few of us have. I would love that grace. T

I really like this book. It's not as spiritual as some would want but it is very much about all she did (a most feisty lass). It also gives you an insight into 14th Century Italy. Although I have a good ability to feel the rights and wrongs in any writing or articles, I cannot remember facts.

I find readings certain religious works or good contemporary books can help me. They don't make me well but they can give me strength.

A book written about 20 years ago helps some people who suffer. It's called Where the hell is God by somebody Leonard, an Australian priest. I didn't find it that helpful. If you are interestefuein religious books there is a chain of shops called Pauline (as in St Paul) multi media. We have one in Glasgow. I'm. not trying to say this is what you sbould do. It's just that I believe my spiritual life can develop separately to my mental health.

If you have problems believing that is normal and many deeply religious people struggled with this. And when you can't believe let others believe for you. I will believe for you. Fortunately for us God never stops believing in us or loving us deeply.

I hope you don't mind my ramble. I find faith very hard and I've learnt that's common and okay.

Take care
Deb x

caro
Posts: 96
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:21 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby caro » Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:44 pm

Em, i hope you don't mind me joining in.
I am following your struggles, but feel unable to comment despite knowing exactly what you are going through. Anorexia has ruled my life for way too long.

I just wanted to say thank you to Deb for that last paragraph.
Your words reduced me to tears. As a Christian, i struggle massively with my faith. I fear my actions make me unworthy.

Sometimes we read something, and it helps so much.
I feel less alone with my current crisis.
Thank you xx

littleem
Posts: 380
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:01 pm

Hi ATTMP,

Yeah, I've had that bullying voice since I wad nine years old. It gets worse when the depression is worse. Exploring negative thoughts in CBT has already opened my eyes to just how much I can put myself down.

I completely lost it in my therapy session. I had no intention of doing so and was really close to not even bothering to go, but I'm glad I did. The therapist is lovely and really genuine. I can see that clearly. I was very angry, crying, my potty mouth in full flow. Whoops. She helped me explore what was behind these emotions which was basically just me carrying a lot of hurt, torment, sadness and frustration at my experience with the ED services being so appalling.

She reassured me that I wasn't discharged by the ED services and helped me try to let go of how that hideous OT made me feel. She understood my frustration at the system and I felt a bit lighter after the session. I'm glad I have her as a support. The ED services can do one.

Bang on with me feeling worthless. I accept the long waiting lists but ever since the ED services got 'involved' last June, I've only ever once felt genuinely supported when the psychiatrist two weeks ago told me he didn't want me to die on them. I'm sad and I'm hurt. Having people who are supposed to be the ones to support me confirm my worst inner feeling of utter worthlessness is messed up. When I'm well, I'm determined to try to change things for others. Even if that just means using my voice.

I hope you're having a nice weekend.

Take care,

Em xxx

littleem
Posts: 380
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:16 pm

Hiya Deb,

Thank you so much for your message. What you said meant such a lot to me. I was really touched by your kindness, honesty and support. Thank you.

That is such a blessing that your older sister is a nun! How beautiful! I was aware of St. Catherine of Sienna, yes. I would very much like to read that book about her, too. Thank you for suggesting that.

I know of the Pauline book shop. There was one in Calcutta! I will certainly explore the book suggestions you gave me. Thank you for being so thoughtful.

I recently read a book called 'The Silent Struggle' by Sister Marie Terese. It's the true story of a Carmelite Nun who overcame the terror of abuse and anorexia. One of the Nuns from the Order I was going to join sent it to me with a beautiful letter on hearing that I was unwell from another Sister. I had only met this particular Nun once for about five minutes almost a year ago so I was incredibly touched by her thoughtfulness and kindness.

It was a very good book. Like you said, it didn't make me well but it was encouraging to read it. I could relate to the Nun's struggles with anorexia in many ways.

I personally interpret my struggles with mental illness as the cross that I have been given. This helps make sense of suffering a little more for me but it certainly doesn't make carrying the cross easy.

I like to read spiritual books with little quotes or passages and reflections for each day. I have one of quotes by Mother Teresa that I personally love to look through from time to time.

I remember a Seminarian saying to me once some years back now that 'God meets us where we're at'. You're right, He doesn't change even when we and our situations do.

Thanks again Deb. Be assured of my prayers for you. Take care,

Em xxx

littleem
Posts: 380
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:22 pm

Hi caro,

Lovely to hear from you! Thank you for joining in! Please know that you absolutely are not alone. My thoughts are with you.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with anorexia. Are you getting any support? I recommend checking out the Beat website if you haven't already. It's personally helped me a lot. The approach is positive and encouraging and supportive, and everything posted is moderated to avoid triggers.

Yes, what Deb said was really lovely. You are not unworthy. God understands our struggles more than anyone ever could. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care of yourself and keep looking up. Stay strong,

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Jan 28, 2018 11:11 am

Hello lovely Embellina

I completely lost it in my therapy session
Good! That is what it is for, be open and honest, lose it when you feel like it, then the therapist can see you for who you are and better help. All good!

The internal bully bit is horrible isn't it? I see myself as the only jailer in my own prison, which is then another reason to beat myself up ;) .

BTW Apologies to Isap if you are reading this, I know my simile can't compare to the real thing. My thoughts are with you.)

I'm spot on with the worthlessness because I know it too well. The lack of response to a cry for help can really pull the rug out, leave me distraught. At least we have the camaraderie of all being in the same boat. hugs

Your message on my thread was appreciated, it has even inspired me to take the day off!
*dramatic music* :lol: I'm going to do a bit of shopping, meet some people and maybe watch a film this evening. First things first I need a shower, feeling seriously rank after having the heating too high and farting under the duvet all night :D

Take care of yourself, you deserve it.
xxx

caro
Posts: 96
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:21 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby caro » Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:59 pm

Thank you for the info on Beat Em.
I have had a look, and feel it will help me without triggering, if you know what I mean.
I will be here in the background, quietly reading, and willing your recovery.
I am not really in a position to advise, but over the years i have learned to accept the anorexia.
I give myself enough to eat to function, have periods etc. It never goes away, but i feel in control.
Sadly there are relapses, but slowly me in control wins again.
I hope this makes sense xx


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