Amaya

[amaya]

Thanks Em

I was painting the window frames on our house (where I am hoping only temporarily not living at the moment, technically it is his house.) This involved a bit of sanding, chiseling and filling before painting and now it looks great. It was my first time working on a scaffold and I really loved it. Not many height related experiences in Holland so I relished the chance to be up haha.

My time with him is the favourite part of my life, even if we are just doing everyday things or sitting around. I really believe we have a good hope for the future if I can be patient. Not one of my strong points. When I feel something I want to act on it straight away! haha

re emotions: I actually sent the nurse a thank you email because she helped me so much with her advice. I will also cut and paste your tips because I think I knew them already.. but sometimes it helps to reread the basics when things are starting to slip.

re the PMS I really need to see a gynaecologist.. but due to my anxieties I can't cope with the appointment right now. That is a long complicated story and I am way too sleepy to type it now.

re sleep, I actually usually have no problems sleeping. I have a muscle problem which makes it really difficult to go to the toilet when I am tired and that's why I can't get too sleep when I want.. sleep goes fine once that is done and I am in bed. Sometimes it takes hours. Another long story haha the short version is that the physical solutions won't work right now because it is related to my PTSD, so after treatment for that I might cope with treatment for my muscles, but right now my mental health takes priority so I am focusing on that and just putting up with the annoying physical problems.

Thanks for the encouragement it helps you take care of you too x

Rsxo, thanks for the welcome

[amaya]

One thing I am finding really frustrating at the moment.. is that when I am deadtired, just want to unwind in the evening and watch an episode of Netflix, because I am really too tired to do anything else and I think I should be able to chill for a bit before sleep.. and I can't concentrate. Trying to watch almost makes me feel guilty or something. As if my mind wants to keep processing things even though there is really nothing that needs thinking about right now, at least not that couldn't wait until tomorrow. But my mind is so full even distractions like Netflix don't work. It is really annoying because I just want to watch and chill. Why is it so hard?

[littleem]

Your painting sounds so productive!! Love it! I'm glad you're enjoying!

I really do hope you work things out with your partner. Don't worry that you struggle with being patient sometimes, it just shows how much you love and care about him. You are enjoying time spent together so that's a real positive.

That's lovely you told your nurse how she helped you. I always believe it's essential to tell others you appreciate them. Could she maybe accompany you to a gynaecology appointment? I can imagine, maybe the thought of someone coming with you is a bit awkward, but she could support you by taking you there, you could have your appointment and then after perhaps you could do something nice and productive with your nurse to distract you like go shopping again or go for a coffee? Otherwise, any friends or family members that could come with you for support?

That's positive to hear you're putting your mental health first right now. Baby steps and it will all come right.

With the Netflix thing, how about writing down or saying out loud all of your concerns for the next day to acknowledge them, but then to say 'I will think about this tomorrow' before allowing yourself to ENJOY watching Netflix. You deserve that rest and relaxation time!

Take care,

Em xxx

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Amaya. That loss of concentration is a pain. I watch subtitled shows to force me to focus or find an engaging novel and just kerp ploughing through it until focus returns. Does watching Netherlands tv help? Maybe force you to focus on understanding or is your Dutch tip top by now?

All the best for the week ahead! Hope you let us know how it is going.

[amaya]

Hi Em and ATTMP,

I finished the painting project now and today I washed the windows too so the front of the house looks way better Glad I managed it before the winter came. But it was sad to have to take the scaffold apart. I think I want one of my own just for climbing in and hanging out on

The nurse doesn't really have that function for me, she is too busy to come to appointments. I have a support worker, but I don't feel like she is the right person. The reason I will freak out about the appointment or afterwards is related to my CPTSD and so I think it can just wait for now. But thanks Em for the suggestions

and the encouragement

Yeah I have tried writing things down, mediatation, alsorts.. but I will try ATTMP's suggestion next.. just making it harder for myself so that I have to concentrate. I like that idea and I think it might actually work. I am often emotionally exhausted and overthinking relational things, but my intellect is bored so the switch might help. Learning language does also seem to be a mood boost. I started doing that again recently after the nurse suggested it.

My Dutch is totally fine for everyday purposes and tv etc.. but I still make a lot of mistakes so I need to work hard on getting it right now. I stopped using English altogether after going into the hospital unless it was to speak to someoen who couldn't speak Dutch. That helped. Group sessions helped me learn a lot and often gave everyone else a reason to laugh.

So far the week is going awesome, but as I just realised it is only Monday haha

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Amaya

I've always thought that a second language must broaden the mind considerably. Language transmits culture as much as it does information and there are concepts in some languages which either don't quite exist or are much harder to express, and therefore think about, in other languages. What has been your experience?

Well done on getting the painting done! Shame about the scaffold, maybe you could become a high rise window cleaner to get your fix? Abseiling down from your eyrie with a rope in one hand and a squeegy in the other and then climbing back up to do it all again.

What do you have planned for the rest of the week?

I'll let you know how the mantra goes and I will get around to answering your email at some point... Still not always great at the whole human contact thing.

[littleem]

Hey Amaya,

Painting sounds great. Well done!
Working on languages also sounds really great!

Pleased to hear your week has had an awesome start! May the awesomeness continue!

Take care of yourself

Em x

[amaya]

Good evening guys

In my experience language has very little to do with thought, until that is, you wish to communicate your thoughts. If you are just having a thought, it may be in words, but usually it is in pictures, feelings, notions, dreamlike knowledge without words. When you are thinking how to explain something, or what you want to say to someone, or what needs to go in a report or email or whatever, then you think in words.. but it is secondary. In my experience culture is transmitted through experiences of contact that have a language element but are largely based in nonverbal actions, situations or communications. I think that the idea that language has the power to guide or limit thought is flawed. Thought is way broader than the process of communicating it. However sometimes having to find interesting ways to express myself when I don't know the precise words produces some new ideas, but that doesn't come from the second language, but the activity of communication with someone. Often it involves funny noises and body language haha.

That is my experience since being here, sometimes I talk to myself in Dutch, sometimes in English.. but if I am not feeling special enough to be talking out loud then the thoughts don't really belong in either language. I don't know if I would have realised this only using one language.

I think maybe if I become really fluent and familiar with the culture here to a very high degree, then at some point my thinking will also have changed. But I hardly think the language itself will be the cause of that effect, just one factor mixed in with so many other things. The words themselves only grow in significance as I attribute meanings to them wider than their English translations or the Dutch dictionary listings. And that is due to my experiences with people. We supply the meaning to the words or we don't get it. If we don't get it then the words don't really have any influence over us. Besides the power to be confused of course haha

This is one of my favourite subjects but I will stop typing and put a youtube link instead from a guy that does way better explaining of my kind of thinking than I can when I am sleepy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZDeYe93rFg&t=347s

(One of the reasons I struggled to connect with ACT is that it is based on a theory of language that I don't agree with, but it works in practice so from another perspective who cares if the guy came to the right answer for anxiety through a faulty line of reasoning, if it works it works.)

I have actually thought about doing that job.. it seems awesome! I live on an island with not so many high rises though so it would mean a commute.. probably totally worth it haha

This week: Today I went to my art class and cooked for W and his mum because he has a tough week. Tomorrow I am making curtains for this place and not sure for the rest of the week. Seeing the support worker, W again if he is not too tired. I finally have a swimming costume that fits so I want to go swimming for the first time in more than a year if I can It is a holiday week here so one of my friends is away and I have no Dutch class so the week is way less full than normal. But that's okay because I was getting really exhausted.

Hey contact is always good.. it doesn't matter how long the gaps are Genuinely interested in whether or not the mantras really can help or not.

Thanks Em, you stay awesome too I am doing my best to take care of myself. Not brilliant at that yet, but doing way better than I was a few months ago when I did virtually nothing for myself. I even have some nice clothes now.. I need more because they all get used before I have enough to make a washload.. but it is progress. One day I might be a regular girl haha.

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Amaya

That stuff on language was really interesting and has given me a new perspective, thanks! Once I've thought it through and checked out the link I may even agree with you

Maybe you could campaign for a lighthouse on the island and get the job of looking after it
Enjoy swimming and your time with W if you get it.

[amaya]

Haha if you don't agree I would love to know why so happy to be wrong if I learn something. All the best ideas come from exchange of ideas.

There are already lighthouses, and windmills and flood defences and alsorts of interesting things here. But I can't work until after I have had some treatment.

Good news... after months and months of waiting, I finally have an appointment for next month to see about possible therapy beginning! Woohoo! I am so relieved to finally see the begin of the process. I hope they don't decide I can't have the therapy again after the appointment.

Not going to get a chance to go swimming until next week now.. but I do get my time with W so I am super happy about that too

Have a nice evening and sleep well