dont know where to start or what to say to be honest but came across this site, read a few things and thought id write something, from what i can see theres no-one online at the moment so not even sure i will get a reply. im not coping at the moment, ive had depression on and off (most of the time, on) for around about 10/11 years, im 25. i know i need help but the doctors im registered with are complete crap, i went to them a few months ago, told them i felt my depression coming back and wanted to do something about it, i was newly registered with this docs and they didnt know my history, they wanted to just give me the antidepressants they hand out to everyone as a starting point, i was reluctant as ive had it for years, been on lots of antidepressants and not all had worked and i cant remember the names of all of them so i stressed how important it was for me for the doctor to read through my notes and ensure i wasnt being given ones that hadnt worked previously as its a waste of time and effort with them taking around 6 weeks to know whether they will work, they only had my written medical history, not computerised and my notes r pretty thick, he read about the 1st 10 pages and said from what i can see these tablets will be fine. i said he hadnt even checked all my notes, he said for me to go sit in the waiting room and read through them myself as he didnt have time!! so i very angrily and reluctantly accepted the tablets he prescribed, after a little while of taking them i started getting pains in my lower back, did some research and found out those tablets shouldnt be taken if ever suffered or currently have kidney problems - i had severe kidney problems when i was a kid, up and down to london hospitals for the 1st 5yrs of my life! so stopped taking them, already had an appointment for something not depression related but bought it up at that appointment, doc said, "oh come back another time to discuss it with another doc" this just completely smashed any glimmer of hope or faith i had at seeking help so i thought, "fine if u dont want to help me, im not going to put myself through how hard it is to try and get that help anymore". so needless to say months later with no medication, worst case scenario has happened. i cannot leave the flat alone, i cannot be in crowds, i am badly paranoid - when i did go out the other day to my local shops i could of sworn i was being followed and thought someone was going to stop me and accuse me of shoplifting or something and i started shaking and couldnt make eye contact with anyone and just had to get home asap. i find it hard to answer my phone to anyone coz i cant just put on a brave front anymore pretending to be ok and dont want to have to tell people i cant cope. my mum came to my door today with no warning with my little sister and her new boyfriend who i dont know very well, and i just couldnt do it. my other half works long hours (10-12hours a day, 5 days a week) and im alone through that time coz i will not go out without her. she doesnt understand my mental health as shes never dealt with it before and weve only been together a year so shes struggling and im finding that hard. a couple of weeks ago i considered an o.d but didnt do it, ive been told i can go to A&E, i want to get the help as my docs just do not help but i dont feel sure im severe enough to warrant help from A&E?? i have self harmed on and off since i was 17, ive done that again recently but am managing to stop myself at times but other times it just gets too hard to be able to stop myself. just feel like no-one can help, sometimes think im beyond help, ive even contemplated voluntarily going into hospital but i dont know whether thats just me being silly. im also concerned this could be more than just anxiety and depression, i feel it could be something more but unsure what, mental health issues run in my family, my mums been told before that she had a personality disorder as well as depression and my aunt has bipolar. told the gp this but as soon as u talk of a mental health condition, it seems to me they just instantly brand u with the generic term "anxiety and depression" could just be me being negative, i dont know. i am VERY negative. feels like i could go on writing forever but think this post is already long and pointless enough. jus feels like theres so much in my head to get out but im kind of numb and cant make sense of it. ffs if someone has a broken neck or they r pouring with blood they dont just get left to it, they dont even have to ask for the help, its there instantly, im unwell and i know it but coz its not written on my forehead, the help is near on impossible to find and when u do find a possibility, they think "phone the samaritans and take a generic tablet" is the answer. if only it was that easy, all i want is a normal life.
after writing all this, it almost feels as though i shouldnt be posting it. im sorry im of no help to others and sorry if this post causes any offence. or if it just shouldnt be here.