New here, not coping..think im sposed to write TRIG?

[kk]

hi all,

dont know where to start or what to say to be honest but came across this site, read a few things and thought id write something, from what i can see theres no-one online at the moment so not even sure i will get a reply. im not coping at the moment, ive had depression on and off (most of the time, on) for around about 10/11 years, im 25. i know i need help but the doctors im registered with are complete crap, i went to them a few months ago, told them i felt my depression coming back and wanted to do something about it, i was newly registered with this docs and they didnt know my history, they wanted to just give me the antidepressants they hand out to everyone as a starting point, i was reluctant as ive had it for years, been on lots of antidepressants and not all had worked and i cant remember the names of all of them so i stressed how important it was for me for the doctor to read through my notes and ensure i wasnt being given ones that hadnt worked previously as its a waste of time and effort with them taking around 6 weeks to know whether they will work, they only had my written medical history, not computerised and my notes r pretty thick, he read about the 1st 10 pages and said from what i can see these tablets will be fine. i said he hadnt even checked all my notes, he said for me to go sit in the waiting room and read through them myself as he didnt have time!! so i very angrily and reluctantly accepted the tablets he prescribed, after a little while of taking them i started getting pains in my lower back, did some research and found out those tablets shouldnt be taken if ever suffered or currently have kidney problems - i had severe kidney problems when i was a kid, up and down to london hospitals for the 1st 5yrs of my life! so stopped taking them, already had an appointment for something not depression related but bought it up at that appointment, doc said, "oh come back another time to discuss it with another doc" this just completely smashed any glimmer of hope or faith i had at seeking help so i thought, "fine if u dont want to help me, im not going to put myself through how hard it is to try and get that help anymore". so needless to say months later with no medication, worst case scenario has happened. i cannot leave the flat alone, i cannot be in crowds, i am badly paranoid - when i did go out the other day to my local shops i could of sworn i was being followed and thought someone was going to stop me and accuse me of shoplifting or something and i started shaking and couldnt make eye contact with anyone and just had to get home asap. i find it hard to answer my phone to anyone coz i cant just put on a brave front anymore pretending to be ok and dont want to have to tell people i cant cope. my mum came to my door today with no warning with my little sister and her new boyfriend who i dont know very well, and i just couldnt do it. my other half works long hours (10-12hours a day, 5 days a week) and im alone through that time coz i will not go out without her. she doesnt understand my mental health as shes never dealt with it before and weve only been together a year so shes struggling and im finding that hard. a couple of weeks ago i considered an o.d but didnt do it, ive been told i can go to A&E, i want to get the help as my docs just do not help but i dont feel sure im severe enough to warrant help from A&E?? i have self harmed on and off since i was 17, ive done that again recently but am managing to stop myself at times but other times it just gets too hard to be able to stop myself. just feel like no-one can help, sometimes think im beyond help, ive even contemplated voluntarily going into hospital but i dont know whether thats just me being silly. im also concerned this could be more than just anxiety and depression, i feel it could be something more but unsure what, mental health issues run in my family, my mums been told before that she had a personality disorder as well as depression and my aunt has bipolar. told the gp this but as soon as u talk of a mental health condition, it seems to me they just instantly brand u with the generic term "anxiety and depression" could just be me being negative, i dont know. i am VERY negative. feels like i could go on writing forever but think this post is already long and pointless enough. jus feels like theres so much in my head to get out but im kind of numb and cant make sense of it. ffs if someone has a broken neck or they r pouring with blood they dont just get left to it, they dont even have to ask for the help, its there instantly, im unwell and i know it but coz its not written on my forehead, the help is near on impossible to find and when u do find a possibility, they think "phone the samaritans and take a generic tablet" is the answer. if only it was that easy, all i want is a normal life.

after writing all this, it almost feels as though i shouldnt be posting it. im sorry im of no help to others and sorry if this post causes any offence. or if it just shouldnt be here.

[Aleshadxcherylc]

Hi kk
Well done on your first post I know that is tough to do welcome to the foroum sorry to hear your struggling. Well done on getting all your thoughts and feelings out on here sounds as you have been through a lot you poor thing.
I'm shocked and appalled how the doctors have treated you is this your original gp or ones you've just seen once i think you really need to get across that not just medication is going to help you you need more intensive Outside support like a taking therapy or some kind of therapy.
So I would suggest going to see your gp or some other gp if you find it difficult to talk to them write it down to them please don't give up I completely understand the way you feel the rest of our nhs is brilliant but our mental health system needs sorting out as I'm like you at the moment crying out for help but no one is listening its so frustrating isn't it we are not asking for the world we are only asking for support and to get better. Therapy is tough but it will be worth it in the end it will help you to deal with your anxiety and how to deal with your thoughts and feelings
Please don't give up!
So sorry to hear you self harm please if you do get in despair you can ring or email the samritians or the sanneline the contact details are on this website they will be there to listen and support you as well as we will all be here also I know it's difficult but if you have the urge to harm try and distract yourself I know it's easier said then done been there watch your favourite tv program or listen to your favourite music anything to distract.
Im sorry to hear you thought of an overdose but so glad you didn't go through with it! Also remember these are thoughts and feeling its the depression talking not you!
I know what you mean about putting on an act I'm like that too but it can become increasingly difficult overtime which is why you would probal benefit from some therapy.
Please go back to a gp any gp prepare for the appointment write down bullet points of what you want in terms of support and help. You can do this is there anyone that can go to the appointment with you for moral support? You are severe enough you deserve help and I just can't believe like myself and you the way the system treats people with mh issues! Go back and see what they can offer you don't leave there until you are happy that you are getting some support hun x
Don't worry you have done the right thing and posted it in the right place you are not stupid you deserve help and support and I hope you get it soon
Sorry that my advise is not of much use and it probably wont help but just wanted to say to you please whatever you do don't ever give up getting the help!
Take care keep strong and keep talking
Katie
Xx

[Avalon]

Hello KK. Sorry you're struggling so much. Is there a different doctor in the practice you could see? Or maybe ask someone you know which doctor they'd recommend. Have you considered getting some private counselling? Or as you're 25 maybe some of the free counselling for young people that's available in some areas?
Anxiety and depression are terrible illnesses and can have catastrophic effects on peoples lives and i totally empathise with you. I hope you continue to post here and ask for support when you need it.

[kk]

Thank u both for ur replies and kind words x

I didnt include in my first post that i have had counselling and psychological therapy a few times over the years and for some reason its never really helped, its like i am so negative that it doesnt work, i sit there thinkin things like "oh they r just paid to sit there and say that / thats just out of a text book, what about personal help / they dont understand me etc coz the things they say to me just feels like they havent listened properly, i sometimes jus find it very belittling as well. ive had various councillors and medication for years and years on and off and never really got anywhere and it always feels like medical people just give up helping which in turn makes me give up even more so. ive seen more than one doctor at the surgery im currently registered with and ive only ever had one half decent experience and that was with a temporary doc at that surgery and he hasnt been there since. changing doctors is going to take weeks which is putting me off. theres only been a few times that my depression has been this bad, its always been on and off but ive normally been able to find a way of sorting myself out and picking myself up give or take a couple of serious times, but this time i just cant, its been months now, i feel like everything is falling apart around me and i know what ive got to do to stop it but i just cant do it, i cant face it. today i am sat alone in my flat again, cant even face getting dressed let alone doing anything else. ive never been one to just happily and willingly take the antidepressants but this time ive never been so sure that i need something so much, but getting it is seeming to be a complete nightmare at the moment. my mum said to me last night she would take me to see the mental health team at the hospital, i just couldnt face going out but today i thought i should so i contacted my mum back but she has gone out for the day to the coast with her boyfriend and my little sister, cant help but feel a litle hurt i didnt even get an invite, they probably didnt want a depressed miserable person ruining there day...she said she would take me to the hospital tomorrow instead, wondered what other peoples opinions are, should i go to the hospital for help?

[Aleshadxcherylc]

I think you should go to the hospital and take you mum with you for moral support
The thing with councilling and therapy it takes time to find the right one for you I've been pushed from pillar to post for 3 years and I still haven't found the right one well i did find the right therapy right therapist just wrong timing !
please don't give up the right therapy will come along for you at some point! Also I find that counselling doesn't help me whereas therapy does counselling is just going in telling someone your struggles whereas therapy is more structured and you actually are feeling better and changing things. It takes a while to find the right therapist believe me but don't give up if you want to get better we have to just keep at it I know easier said than done to find the motivation but I know what you are going through.
Remember the helplines and this foroum is always here for you
Sorry my advice is rubbish not good at advising
Katie
Xx

[Aisha85]

Hi KK, hope ur ok today.

Welcome to the forum. Haven't got much helpful advice Im afraid but the sound advise you have so far on here makes a lot of sense.

Big hugs x

[kk]

thank u, and katie ur advice isnt rubbish, its really helpful x

well i had an awful day the other day and my mum and partner both took me to the hospital, i had an assessment and have found out that ive actually got a borderline personality disorder as well as depression. im back on antidepressants and am going to be getting some help and therapy sorted. its a lot to take in about the borderline personality disorder but im so relieved to be finally getting some help. still getting my head around it all and dont really have a clue exactly where im going from here but im glad ive taken the 1st few steps.

thank u for taking the time to read and comment x