You don't have to go through this alone.

[staygold]

Thank you!

I have felt better over the weekend but now it's time to go to college tomorrow and i'm starting to feel the sick and a little panicky.
I'm just going to take it one step at a time and hopefully i'll make it. Wish me luck!

[Bobstar100]

Love the title of this post, because if it was not for all of us sharing our problems and experiences of NHS treatment, I would have certainly feel very alone, and more confused.

Just reading many of people experiences I can see why so many of us write on here, because the Mental Health Care is surposed to help us, but I have found that to get the right help, you have to be very strong willed and persistant to get the right support.
This in it's self is a challenge when you are feeling so out of of it and do not know what to do to make life better again.
I still having a battle to get my counsellor to give me a new appointment. She went sick on the day of my appointment and I have had to wait over a month now and still not got a new session booked.
My CPN and Health Vistor have chased her and I get a letter yesterday from the counsellor for me to telephone and rebook.
I'm surposed to be able to open up to this lady and I have'nt met her yet and already she is getting on my nerves and making me angry.

[bel]

Too true Bobstar, you do have to fight for support. I have been battling to get counselling as I was diagnosed with a chronic illness a year ago. Am still struggling to get on the right drugs for it and am in a lot of pain most of the time. Things are very hard but I was told that there wasn't anything because CBT wasn't the right thing for me i.e. six sessions wouldn't be enough. So been offered nothing! Unbelievable really. I have nothing at all against CBT and would take six sessions but probably need a bit more. So much for accessing the talking therapies, will have to take the pills again soon the way I'm going.

[Chaos]

Hello.

My name's Chaos (my name from birth, I promise). I was referred to this site by my best friend. Last night, due to stress moving 205 miles north to university, living alone, having no friends and having my girlfriend leave me and sleep with someone else ten minuets later, coupled with my (though many a mental practitioner has labelled it 'No Concern') this voice that screams at me when I'm upset to take vengeance on those who cause it and my -will- to -want- to die, not to mention my 'mood swings', I tried to end my life for the ninth time ever.

I'm 19 years old.

I just can't make myself trust anyone anymore. In desperation and fear I've turned my back on everyone - my parents don't know how hard it's been, I have no friends here and the only thing stopping me from ending my life is my cowardice. A lack of will to end it all and the damning sound of my best friend crying.

I feel hurt and empty. Only now that I've stopped eating and attending lectures have the Uni said I'm a 'cause for concern'. As far as I'm concerned I'm already dead.

But I need to know if this...-inability- to lift that razor is part of some founded hope? Or is it just that I'm too cowardly to end it?

[judithj]

well done for coming to find help. it can't be easy starting at uni, being so far away from home, but you did it. so that's something to feel positive about.
the fact that you've asked for help rather than trying suicide again suggests that maybe some part of you does want to live.
have you tried keeping a diary? sometimes it's hard to get over to doctors just how difficult it is to cope with something, so keeping a diary can give them an idea of how much something affects you on a day-to-day basis, and may also help to show the doctor whether anything particular triggers certain feelings.
one thing i would advise you is to avoid alcohol - not easy at uni i know - but it is a depressant and can make you feel very low, hugs, Judith xxx

[Chaos]

Thanks Judith. Really happy I came here now.

I've been on a 14 mile walk to clear my head a little today, also, I managed to get in contact with welfare officers, Samaritans etc.
They're considering moving me into the city because of my hardships with making friends here; not their fault, I'm the comic book nerd who thinks Spiderman should be president. Haha...

As for drinking, I'm trying to go easy on it but I'm scared not to occupy myself doing something. That and it (like smoking) makes me feel better. I was considering going out tonight to clear my head and think about something other than my current situation - that and nothing scares me more than the prospect of being alone.

I really appreciate the help, Judith, really. I feel much better than I did now...although I'm still ashamed to admit I wanted to end it so badly. It just hurts so much...

[judithj]

Superman for Prime Minister!
sounds as though you need more people around to talk to and do things with. what sort of societies does your uni have? my son's a member of the Heavy Metal group, Philosophy one - maybe you can find some societies to join and meet people with similar interests so you feel less isolated, hugs, Judith xxx

[Chaos]

The GP I met yesterday actually -instructed- me to join at least 3 societies...
Because I live so far out, I'm being moved closer to the city as well...I got drunk last night and almost followed through with the previous evening's self punishment - they actually sent a security guard and student rep. over to my room to see if I was alright.

My guidance councillor was let know, so I'm seeing her again today before signing up to various things and maybe doing a few chores about the place - looking at having no clothes at this point...

Finding the motivation to even get out of bed is becoming a struggle though...looking at myself in the mirror makes me physically sick and the desire to eat just isn't there. They've rounded it down to 'low self esteem' which, frankly, just bothers me about the whole 'mood swings' thing and the voice I sometimes hear, not to mention random hallucinations from time to time and vivid dreams.

Speaking of dreams, I dreamt that my ex and I talked in a chippy; after what she said I couldn't help but walk away for a breath and a fag. It's the second of them so far but...it's weird, it's like she tells it to me straight about how she felt/feels and, though it hurts, I really hope I have another just to get my understanding right...

I want to be able to forgive her. And myself.

[thoughtfullandalone]

I feel the same and so alone.

[NotCrazy]

I'm happy to know that if I ever need someone to talk to, I'm able to call up this particular hotline and just . . . talk. Sometimes there simply isn't anyone you can open up to, and if you can't talk to family and friends, it's always best to speak to someone without a biased viewpoint. If you get advice from friends and family, it may be what you WANT to hear, but not necessarily what you NEED to hear.