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Mental illness knows no boundaries...
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ModeratingTeam
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Mental illness knows no boundaries...
Mental illness recognises no boundaries, including racial, cultural or ethnic boundaries. However, one’s experience of mental illness and the treatment and support offered may be influenced by such matters. If you would like to share your experiences of mental illness that by may have been influenced by your race, gender, culture and/or ethnic background, sexuality, disability, this is the place where you can feel at home. Welcome!
Moderating Team
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Andrew Lorimer
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Re: Mental illness knows no boundaries...
I would like to offer the proposition that the boundary of mental illness is sanity. Some are sane by any human standard - pace Freud re: civilization ergo neurosis.
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Andrew Lorimer
- Posts: 136
- Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 6:04 pm
Re: Mental illness knows no boundaries...
Hi Andrew,
I think you are being unfair! What is meant in the original post is that no person is immune to mental illness by virtue of being a member of a group or set of persons. That mental illness is a human problem, not a problem of only certain groups of persons. The sane are susceptible to the threat of mental illness; and that is why they keep their distance - a reason for (what is seen as) stigmatization.
As for your disagreement with Freud: are you sure? After all, you believe that you're sane and that is not what held you in a psychiatric unit during January and early February this year!
I think you are being unfair! What is meant in the original post is that no person is immune to mental illness by virtue of being a member of a group or set of persons. That mental illness is a human problem, not a problem of only certain groups of persons. The sane are susceptible to the threat of mental illness; and that is why they keep their distance - a reason for (what is seen as) stigmatization.
As for your disagreement with Freud: are you sure? After all, you believe that you're sane and that is not what held you in a psychiatric unit during January and early February this year!
Last edited by Andrew Lorimer on Sat May 21, 2011 11:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Andrew Lorimer
- Posts: 136
- Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 6:04 pm
Re: Mental illness knows no boundaries...
Andrew Lorimer wrote:you believe that you're sane and that is not what held you in a psychiatric unit during January and early February this year!
Beg to differ; but it was because I was sane that I hung on so successfully.
Re: Mental illness knows no boundaries...
Title: Hearing Voices
Sharing Theme: February 2018's theme, "What has helped me most"
Hearing voices is one of the symptoms I deal with and it becomes more symptomatic when I am anxious, emotionally stressed, or even physical stressed like, for example, when I get a cold or when I am unable to get a good night's sleep. Since 2011, it has morphed into many different voices, people, strangers, and reasons I still don't understand until this day. But, most importantly, I will try to stick to this month's theme in answering what has helped me most through these distressing times as it also relates to this form's topic and I'd like to share my experiences from my disability.
1) Does medication cure all?
No, I don't believe that medication cures everything, however, I still believe it is important to be on a regimen (maybe medications or some sort of therapeutic regimen) and very important to discuss with a psychiatric professional and have an open dialogue, yes a communicative relationship, with the professional as hard as this is (for me).
2) Should I go to my friends for support?
Over the years, I've learned that some things can be extremely stressful and distressing to hear. First, I took the experiences very personally, but understanding as well. Lesson learned from small experiences here and there and through therapy, I've learned what and how much I can share without overwhelming my friends and stressing my friendships. In other words, when in doubt, go to the professional psychiatrist, psychologist, a peer support, or have even a warm-line phone conversation. This doesn't mean that you can't talk to your friends about it. I am just saying be conscientious of the topics. Also, what has helped is writing down and journaling subjects I can talk to with whom and subjects i should avoid with with whom as well. I think this is being conscientious of both yourself and your feeling - in the long wrong, it has helped me learn how to have a healthy dialogue with the right people when you need it.
3) What do I do when I'm distressed?
Finally, I believe that coping mechanisms and therapy comes in all forms. Personally, I've been playing piano since 4 years old, and so I use music as a form of therapy. It's almost a beautiful mind because I like to control and write something I imagine to hear, and then can produce it; a beautiful mind because I know exactly how it will sound. Crazy, but an interesting concept I use and I am laughing about it now because it is kind of my way in coping and controlling what I hear, if that makes sense (hopefully). Also, sounds tend to evoke a lot of emotion to me. So I like to stare and look at something visually peaceful like a nature's picture while listening to something stimulating that keeps me distracted from the voices I hear. For example, my home page of my website is a droplet of melting ice. I find this oddly calming because the song that accompanies this homepage is written and comes from a very insecure place and time in my life. In a way, the melting ice represents movement and change for me to be confident in myself. Here is what I am talking about if you are curious... at www.kittypaemusic.com
All in all, this world is full of voices and noises, and instead of fighting and getting anxious over it, I've learned to try to not care about it so much. What that means is instead of becoming anxious when the voices happen, or when the voices appear, I have learned to relax and just accept it?... Like as if I'm listening to music now. The world is full of music-the voices are part of the music of this world I live in and hear.
4) Be Passionate
Find something you're passionate about and focus on yourself. Share it with your friends and don't worry about what strangers think. For example, and so my music isn't top100, I have a lot critics telling me how things should sound... Sure it's been a mix of feelings at first because I was trying to feel accepted. But all in all at the end of the day, it's my passion and not theirs.
Share your passion. What are yours?
Kindest Regards,
Kitty Pae
Sharing Theme: February 2018's theme, "What has helped me most"
Hearing voices is one of the symptoms I deal with and it becomes more symptomatic when I am anxious, emotionally stressed, or even physical stressed like, for example, when I get a cold or when I am unable to get a good night's sleep. Since 2011, it has morphed into many different voices, people, strangers, and reasons I still don't understand until this day. But, most importantly, I will try to stick to this month's theme in answering what has helped me most through these distressing times as it also relates to this form's topic and I'd like to share my experiences from my disability.
1) Does medication cure all?
No, I don't believe that medication cures everything, however, I still believe it is important to be on a regimen (maybe medications or some sort of therapeutic regimen) and very important to discuss with a psychiatric professional and have an open dialogue, yes a communicative relationship, with the professional as hard as this is (for me).
2) Should I go to my friends for support?
Over the years, I've learned that some things can be extremely stressful and distressing to hear. First, I took the experiences very personally, but understanding as well. Lesson learned from small experiences here and there and through therapy, I've learned what and how much I can share without overwhelming my friends and stressing my friendships. In other words, when in doubt, go to the professional psychiatrist, psychologist, a peer support, or have even a warm-line phone conversation. This doesn't mean that you can't talk to your friends about it. I am just saying be conscientious of the topics. Also, what has helped is writing down and journaling subjects I can talk to with whom and subjects i should avoid with with whom as well. I think this is being conscientious of both yourself and your feeling - in the long wrong, it has helped me learn how to have a healthy dialogue with the right people when you need it.
3) What do I do when I'm distressed?
Finally, I believe that coping mechanisms and therapy comes in all forms. Personally, I've been playing piano since 4 years old, and so I use music as a form of therapy. It's almost a beautiful mind because I like to control and write something I imagine to hear, and then can produce it; a beautiful mind because I know exactly how it will sound. Crazy, but an interesting concept I use and I am laughing about it now because it is kind of my way in coping and controlling what I hear, if that makes sense (hopefully). Also, sounds tend to evoke a lot of emotion to me. So I like to stare and look at something visually peaceful like a nature's picture while listening to something stimulating that keeps me distracted from the voices I hear. For example, my home page of my website is a droplet of melting ice. I find this oddly calming because the song that accompanies this homepage is written and comes from a very insecure place and time in my life. In a way, the melting ice represents movement and change for me to be confident in myself. Here is what I am talking about if you are curious... at www.kittypaemusic.com
All in all, this world is full of voices and noises, and instead of fighting and getting anxious over it, I've learned to try to not care about it so much. What that means is instead of becoming anxious when the voices happen, or when the voices appear, I have learned to relax and just accept it?... Like as if I'm listening to music now. The world is full of music-the voices are part of the music of this world I live in and hear.
4) Be Passionate
Find something you're passionate about and focus on yourself. Share it with your friends and don't worry about what strangers think. For example, and so my music isn't top100, I have a lot critics telling me how things should sound... Sure it's been a mix of feelings at first because I was trying to feel accepted. But all in all at the end of the day, it's my passion and not theirs.
Share your passion. What are yours?
Kindest Regards,
Kitty Pae
Re: Mental illness knows no boundaries...
This Is going to be a long post so please be open minded, because this is one of the hardest things I have every done, but I have to do this. I'm also sorry to my friends and family who have to find out this way.
Where to start?
To be honest, I wish I didn't have emotions. Life would be so much simpler without them.
I have always been timid when it comes to expressing myself, speaking my mind, and standing up for something. This stems from being raised in a culture where showing emotions is frowned upon. Men aren't suppose to show their thoughts or feelings.
So I’ve always played it safe and stood by the sideline, and I never wanted to rock the boat. And sometimes, when I’ve felt like saying something, I’ve wondered if people would even care, or if what I say would hurt someone or make them feel uncomfortable.
Because, frankly, sometimes people talk just for the sake of talking or because they want attention, and that bothered me. However, I also envied those who could just say what they think and speak their truth, even though I may or may not have agreed with them.
Nothing I ever did seemed good enough. There was constant criticism that I could do better, and I know I should of done better. I was raised to never to talk back to my seniors and not to say anything when I had nothing nice to say.
I know my friends and family have always had my best interest at heart. They have always tried to help me and be there for me. Push me to what I could become, but not achieving this has made me feel worthless, a disappointment and a failure.
Nevertheless, as years passed, the more I stayed muted, the more horrible my body and mind felt. I pushed people who I care about away and wish I could open up and tell them about everything I feel. But I've become afraid of being open.
Feelings now make me feel vulnerable and weak. Like I am less of a man for having these thoughts and feelings.
I feel like I'm not good enough, I don’t know who I should be, and I feel lost and alone, even when I'm surrounded by those who care about me.
I'm afraid of failure but with no motivation to succeed.
I feel everything and numb all the time.
I know many people will like and respond to this, and I thank you for it, but until I start liking myself. Everything you say will feel empty to me.
Where to start?
To be honest, I wish I didn't have emotions. Life would be so much simpler without them.
I have always been timid when it comes to expressing myself, speaking my mind, and standing up for something. This stems from being raised in a culture where showing emotions is frowned upon. Men aren't suppose to show their thoughts or feelings.
So I’ve always played it safe and stood by the sideline, and I never wanted to rock the boat. And sometimes, when I’ve felt like saying something, I’ve wondered if people would even care, or if what I say would hurt someone or make them feel uncomfortable.
Because, frankly, sometimes people talk just for the sake of talking or because they want attention, and that bothered me. However, I also envied those who could just say what they think and speak their truth, even though I may or may not have agreed with them.
Nothing I ever did seemed good enough. There was constant criticism that I could do better, and I know I should of done better. I was raised to never to talk back to my seniors and not to say anything when I had nothing nice to say.
I know my friends and family have always had my best interest at heart. They have always tried to help me and be there for me. Push me to what I could become, but not achieving this has made me feel worthless, a disappointment and a failure.
Nevertheless, as years passed, the more I stayed muted, the more horrible my body and mind felt. I pushed people who I care about away and wish I could open up and tell them about everything I feel. But I've become afraid of being open.
Feelings now make me feel vulnerable and weak. Like I am less of a man for having these thoughts and feelings.
I feel like I'm not good enough, I don’t know who I should be, and I feel lost and alone, even when I'm surrounded by those who care about me.
I'm afraid of failure but with no motivation to succeed.
I feel everything and numb all the time.
I know many people will like and respond to this, and I thank you for it, but until I start liking myself. Everything you say will feel empty to me.
Re: Mental illness knows no boundaries...
Hi Brahimus,
Argh, pressures to be how other people expect you to be, so unhealthy for you and it's hard to keep up over time if you don't get to be you, or aren't accepted by your nearest and dearest unless you conform to what they want. If you don't have a chance to do what you want, and only try and fulfil other people's expectations, how can you succeed, without true motivation?
There are ways to develop your own life, separate to your family, without having to challenge the status quo- can you go out, make friends etc separate to family? How old are you, do you have siblings, if so are you oldest, youngest or in the middle? Different pressures apply to older and younger adult children, I reckon.
You don't have to believe what people around you think, and you can still respect them, and be a sensible part of their lives. And find other people who accept you for your other sides of your personality. Family (and maybe extended family/community) for some stuff, new friends for other stuff. Make a bit of space for yourself, and I think you'll find you're ok with not meeting all the expectations placed on you, when you see that not everyone feels like that. Humour them but don't let them dictate everything.
Take care, Maisi
Argh, pressures to be how other people expect you to be, so unhealthy for you and it's hard to keep up over time if you don't get to be you, or aren't accepted by your nearest and dearest unless you conform to what they want. If you don't have a chance to do what you want, and only try and fulfil other people's expectations, how can you succeed, without true motivation?
There are ways to develop your own life, separate to your family, without having to challenge the status quo- can you go out, make friends etc separate to family? How old are you, do you have siblings, if so are you oldest, youngest or in the middle? Different pressures apply to older and younger adult children, I reckon.
You don't have to believe what people around you think, and you can still respect them, and be a sensible part of their lives. And find other people who accept you for your other sides of your personality. Family (and maybe extended family/community) for some stuff, new friends for other stuff. Make a bit of space for yourself, and I think you'll find you're ok with not meeting all the expectations placed on you, when you see that not everyone feels like that. Humour them but don't let them dictate everything.
Take care, Maisi
Re: Mental illness knows no boundaries...
Mon Dec 24, 2018 4:28 am
Okay I’m 18 years old and this is a brief explanation of my life, my grammar isn’t the best so apologies for the sentence structures. Okay I don’t know where to begin I was born in 2000 and my mum and dad we’re together at the time they had been both drug addicts but my mum had me when she was 16. Growing up I remember times when I’d laugh and play fight with my mum on the lawn but it wasn’t always like that she had multiple boyfriends who beat her up and weren’t nice to her one chucked a hot cup of tea at me and she stepped in the way. My dad is definitely not the best but he loved my mum. He tried to look out for her as much as he could but there was only so much he could do and so they split, but at the time they were together my nan(fathers mum) would often look after me because my mum and dad were addicted to heroin so they would often get high and then I would roam around the house as a toddler and fall bump myself cry and be a toddler I guess my nan told me I taught myself how to use the potty(baby toilet) and so I was around 3 when my nan started getting regular care of me but it was when I was 4 on the 26th February my mum was out with one of her boyfriends and his accomplice and my father who were all high on drugs heroin, cocaine, other medicated drugs too but I can’t remember the name. My mum and dad have overdosed many times but unfortunately this time my mum wasn’t able to be saved the two other men beat up my dad that night and left him to get home to my nans house to which an ambulance were rung but then the two other men and my mum were in a car broken down with no petrol so my mum was in the back of the car and the two others went to try rob petrol they alerted the neighbours to which they rang the police the two men ran off and left my mum on her own in the back of the car and she was not able to be resuscitated. As a child growing up after this my family were very supportive and caring I am an only child, my nan(fathers mum) then went to court for custody of me Which my mums side of the family who I don’t really see anymore my nan(mums mum) and her sister. So I was in and out of social services for a year or two having visits off them but staying my my nan(fathers mum) who is an absalout angel seriously she was my best friend growing up I used to sit with her in the morning watching bob the builder go to see the ducks with her and play soldiers too. My nan is honestly the nicest most caring woman you will ever meet.so my dad was still around the house too but still addicted to drugs times it would be speed amphetamines or heroin my nan and grandad used to argue with him a lot of the time and fight because he’d come after money or he would go and rob or he once held a knife to my nans throat to which I screamed at him and ran at him I was no older than 8 and luckily my uncle come down his brother who I look up to he’s always been there for me to talk to and I e had a lot of the convos with him I should of had with my dad, he thought me how to grow up, he spoke to about girls, he taught me how to fight and he spoke to me about my mum which I never liked doing I used to ask why do my mates have mummies and don’t but I never liked talking about it at all I felt as though people go through things in life and I’m no different so chin up and keep moving forward. As I get older though I’ve found more and more things are harder to deal with I miss my mum so much I can’t even describe to you what I’d give for one cuddle all my friends have their parents or if they don’t they have memories of them I do not I was too young to remember them I have bad memory as it is. Going through school I found it hard to concentrate I would read tests over and over and it just wouldn’t go in I could read the same question 15x over and still nothing, I had bursts of anger growing up and as I get older it’s getting worse and more regular. As I became a teenager I went with my friends more and made mistakes took ecstacy and thought it wouldn’t do much it made me feel so happy and loved I took it more and before I knew it I was taking it on the weekends. I realised I was going badly so I literally cut my friends off because that’s all they did was drugs and they all didn’t care our friendship group split up after school and I was on sixth form so I was then trying to hang around with new friends and this was when I started taking ecstacy not before we left school sorry after when my friends dispersed I always was there for my mates because I cared for them I fought older people for them and was there to talk to for any of them but in return they used to wind me up call me names about myfirehead because it’s quite big they’re call me E.T and it used to upset me and I’d have moments when I’d say just leave me alone lads come on and they’d justcarry on until I’d flip on the main one who when I used to go for him he would pretend to cry and I used to stop because I felt sorry for him all of them I see all there struggles too but it all cane to a head when I was at a party with them all a couple of years after leaving school and I just broke down crying and I was saying to them all I’m fucked up id often get called psycho because of my temper and a teacher has called it me before Just because I won an argument with her it was a teacher I confided in too sobit hurt a lot. I was doing okay in my opinion growing up until I got too the end of school I felt lonely and lost I guess in sixth form my class were very insensitive and they made mum and dad jokes if one were made about mine I’d hold it in and let them figure out what they did and they’d say sorry but there was a time that a teacher who was in fact at school with my mum and know my family was talking about how it must be hard for all the kids who have there parents split up because the class was making jokes about mum and dads being dead I know it’s very insensitive but I heard it and instantly could tell this is not what I need. So I put my earphones in and looked at my screen she came over tapped me on the shoulder and I just looked at the screen I didn’t move and she’s pulled my earphone out and said why haveyou got your earphones in and the class knew why so they went quite and It was upsetting me and I said I didn’t like what’ve you were talking about I was holding back a lot of emotion hoping she’d live it at that and she didn’t she said where’s all your work and I didn’t reply purely becaus ever I was holding back a lot of emotion and she went to take the mouse from me and I didn’t move I was just froze and she looked at me and saw I was getting emotional I just didn’t want to move I was trying to hide the tears and I felt a complete overuse of anger and disappointment rage loneliness and I can’t honestly describe it was a lethal concoction I burst up chucked the keyboard grabbed the chair and threw it across the room and ripped the door open everyone watched as I started breaking down and I just rushed out into the corner of the hall and began crying immensely and feeling a disgusting amount of anger and upset I was piling and squeezing I’m not a boiler person I cry when I killed a spider im very sensitive to other people’s problems and would do anything for a lot of people but when I get angry I won’t hurt people I’d never go for someone but I’ve punched doors broken my hand punching a metal door(over my best mate not being there for me so I broke down) and recently I felt a worse amount of anger I felt I needed to do something bad and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else so I rang broken glass down my arm multiple times my girlfriend told my nan and grandad and it’s not the first time I’ve done it I did it a couple of years ago but sincerely starting boxing I’ve been able to keep it low so far until the other day when I did that and my girlfriend and family and teachers are saying I need to see professional help but I said ivegoje all through school not getting detected by teachers as having a problem or my nan but now my nan thinks I should try it but I feel as though counsellors are paid to listen to me and I wouldn’t be able to explain it all as I felt before writing this I still haven’t explained it all. The day I broke down another teacher came running to me and started to support me and he asked what was up and all the teachers sat around me heard my story and it was a full 2 hour of crying and holding in my anger with every bit of power within myself I was shaking and breaking down very badly it wound me up so much that I’d gone this far and that teacher bought out this it was 3 weeks before I finished year 13 too and the teachers began to support me and a lot of them cried with me and they all said that they never knew me because I wasn’t a loud child I was just shy I didn’t shout or anything I just did what I was told so they had no clue about my life and they said we will ring your nan and usually my nan works nights so she sleeps in the day and usually she’s very very tired as she suffers with depression like my grandad but she bought every bit of joy into Mubarak life and she’s said I bought just into hers she has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. So they rang her and said sorry to wake you Valerie but josh is very upset something has happened and it’s to do with his mum and my nan straight up just said right I’m coming. She has arthritis in her knees and hands and is a carer at night it was very cold and my grandad was at work so she had no transport and she was straight there as soon as my nan came through doors she flung her arms open and I ran up to her I’m 6’2 my nans 5’2 I’d say and ive never felt so much like a toddler in my life I just fell into her arms and started crying immensely the teachers explained the situation. And from then on I’d say I’ve got worse I’m crying more regularly I’m struggling with tasks I’m being told because my dad has adhd I could of had it or depression and because of my nan being so much a part of my life my girlfriend now I’m like a little boy with she lost her dad too when she was 9 and I love her to pieces I get attatched to the females in my life very easily and am very protective and I am controlling in certain ways I hate myself for being that way I want help to stop being controlling I just don’t know where to go for it. So far in my life I’ve done a lot of sports running football and Thai boxing I still run and do thai boxing I found I was getting to angry at football so it was no use there’s more hate in it now than love for the sport. My nan rarely comes to watch my fights because she has anxiety and depression so she doesn’t like getting out the house she came too one of them which unfortunately I lost I fought a testosterone filled man, my fight record is 2W-2L my mums side of my family comes and see me watch I’m quite close with her sisters who I see often, any help or advice I would appreciate any questions any of you have to ask I will answer my best, oh I have a part time job too I work behind a bar. I have a dream that I will be a proffesional fighter I will be someone who leaves a mark on this earth and all the people I can help I will I’ll spoil my nan and grandad. Oh and when I was around 5 and I had to get rid of my dummy the method my nan used was when the advert used to come on of children who don’t have much there used to be a child in a cot crying without a dummy and it used y make me cry it still does but anyway I said to my nan I want to give that little boy my dummy and bottle so hey it worked until I saw the advert again and he didn’t have my dummy and bottle so I cried some more. My nan is beginning to drink regularly now and I’ve tried speaking to her about it and my grandad he’s always drank but our family knows he works hard so he drinks a bottle of wine a few nights a week but my nan has been doing it too and I’ve really felt like my one olace I’ve always felt secure and home is falling apart my nan found out I cut myself the other day and she sat me down and listened to me I could tell she’d been crying to and I hope she understands that this family my home is everything to me my nan is my guardian and I love her dearly. I tell her that before I leave the house always have done always will do. I put a brave face on but my girlfriend has seen I’m troubled and has repeated to me to get help I’ve give it a shot at describing on here thank you all for reading. Sorry for the grammar and sorry if I’ve upset you, I hope you are all having a merry Christmas and have a lovely time with your families. Honestly there’s nothing better than love.
Okay I’m 18 years old and this is a brief explanation of my life, my grammar isn’t the best so apologies for the sentence structures. Okay I don’t know where to begin I was born in 2000 and my mum and dad we’re together at the time they had been both drug addicts but my mum had me when she was 16. Growing up I remember times when I’d laugh and play fight with my mum on the lawn but it wasn’t always like that she had multiple boyfriends who beat her up and weren’t nice to her one chucked a hot cup of tea at me and she stepped in the way. My dad is definitely not the best but he loved my mum. He tried to look out for her as much as he could but there was only so much he could do and so they split, but at the time they were together my nan(fathers mum) would often look after me because my mum and dad were addicted to heroin so they would often get high and then I would roam around the house as a toddler and fall bump myself cry and be a toddler I guess my nan told me I taught myself how to use the potty(baby toilet) and so I was around 3 when my nan started getting regular care of me but it was when I was 4 on the 26th February my mum was out with one of her boyfriends and his accomplice and my father who were all high on drugs heroin, cocaine, other medicated drugs too but I can’t remember the name. My mum and dad have overdosed many times but unfortunately this time my mum wasn’t able to be saved the two other men beat up my dad that night and left him to get home to my nans house to which an ambulance were rung but then the two other men and my mum were in a car broken down with no petrol so my mum was in the back of the car and the two others went to try rob petrol they alerted the neighbours to which they rang the police the two men ran off and left my mum on her own in the back of the car and she was not able to be resuscitated. As a child growing up after this my family were very supportive and caring I am an only child, my nan(fathers mum) then went to court for custody of me Which my mums side of the family who I don’t really see anymore my nan(mums mum) and her sister. So I was in and out of social services for a year or two having visits off them but staying my my nan(fathers mum) who is an absalout angel seriously she was my best friend growing up I used to sit with her in the morning watching bob the builder go to see the ducks with her and play soldiers too. My nan is honestly the nicest most caring woman you will ever meet.so my dad was still around the house too but still addicted to drugs times it would be speed amphetamines or heroin my nan and grandad used to argue with him a lot of the time and fight because he’d come after money or he would go and rob or he once held a knife to my nans throat to which I screamed at him and ran at him I was no older than 8 and luckily my uncle come down his brother who I look up to he’s always been there for me to talk to and I e had a lot of the convos with him I should of had with my dad, he thought me how to grow up, he spoke to about girls, he taught me how to fight and he spoke to me about my mum which I never liked doing I used to ask why do my mates have mummies and don’t but I never liked talking about it at all I felt as though people go through things in life and I’m no different so chin up and keep moving forward. As I get older though I’ve found more and more things are harder to deal with I miss my mum so much I can’t even describe to you what I’d give for one cuddle all my friends have their parents or if they don’t they have memories of them I do not I was too young to remember them I have bad memory as it is. Going through school I found it hard to concentrate I would read tests over and over and it just wouldn’t go in I could read the same question 15x over and still nothing, I had bursts of anger growing up and as I get older it’s getting worse and more regular. As I became a teenager I went with my friends more and made mistakes took ecstacy and thought it wouldn’t do much it made me feel so happy and loved I took it more and before I knew it I was taking it on the weekends. I realised I was going badly so I literally cut my friends off because that’s all they did was drugs and they all didn’t care our friendship group split up after school and I was on sixth form so I was then trying to hang around with new friends and this was when I started taking ecstacy not before we left school sorry after when my friends dispersed I always was there for my mates because I cared for them I fought older people for them and was there to talk to for any of them but in return they used to wind me up call me names about myfirehead because it’s quite big they’re call me E.T and it used to upset me and I’d have moments when I’d say just leave me alone lads come on and they’d justcarry on until I’d flip on the main one who when I used to go for him he would pretend to cry and I used to stop because I felt sorry for him all of them I see all there struggles too but it all cane to a head when I was at a party with them all a couple of years after leaving school and I just broke down crying and I was saying to them all I’m fucked up id often get called psycho because of my temper and a teacher has called it me before Just because I won an argument with her it was a teacher I confided in too sobit hurt a lot. I was doing okay in my opinion growing up until I got too the end of school I felt lonely and lost I guess in sixth form my class were very insensitive and they made mum and dad jokes if one were made about mine I’d hold it in and let them figure out what they did and they’d say sorry but there was a time that a teacher who was in fact at school with my mum and know my family was talking about how it must be hard for all the kids who have there parents split up because the class was making jokes about mum and dads being dead I know it’s very insensitive but I heard it and instantly could tell this is not what I need. So I put my earphones in and looked at my screen she came over tapped me on the shoulder and I just looked at the screen I didn’t move and she’s pulled my earphone out and said why haveyou got your earphones in and the class knew why so they went quite and It was upsetting me and I said I didn’t like what’ve you were talking about I was holding back a lot of emotion hoping she’d live it at that and she didn’t she said where’s all your work and I didn’t reply purely becaus ever I was holding back a lot of emotion and she went to take the mouse from me and I didn’t move I was just froze and she looked at me and saw I was getting emotional I just didn’t want to move I was trying to hide the tears and I felt a complete overuse of anger and disappointment rage loneliness and I can’t honestly describe it was a lethal concoction I burst up chucked the keyboard grabbed the chair and threw it across the room and ripped the door open everyone watched as I started breaking down and I just rushed out into the corner of the hall and began crying immensely and feeling a disgusting amount of anger and upset I was piling and squeezing I’m not a boiler person I cry when I killed a spider im very sensitive to other people’s problems and would do anything for a lot of people but when I get angry I won’t hurt people I’d never go for someone but I’ve punched doors broken my hand punching a metal door(over my best mate not being there for me so I broke down) and recently I felt a worse amount of anger I felt I needed to do something bad and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else so I rang broken glass down my arm multiple times my girlfriend told my nan and grandad and it’s not the first time I’ve done it I did it a couple of years ago but sincerely starting boxing I’ve been able to keep it low so far until the other day when I did that and my girlfriend and family and teachers are saying I need to see professional help but I said ivegoje all through school not getting detected by teachers as having a problem or my nan but now my nan thinks I should try it but I feel as though counsellors are paid to listen to me and I wouldn’t be able to explain it all as I felt before writing this I still haven’t explained it all. The day I broke down another teacher came running to me and started to support me and he asked what was up and all the teachers sat around me heard my story and it was a full 2 hour of crying and holding in my anger with every bit of power within myself I was shaking and breaking down very badly it wound me up so much that I’d gone this far and that teacher bought out this it was 3 weeks before I finished year 13 too and the teachers began to support me and a lot of them cried with me and they all said that they never knew me because I wasn’t a loud child I was just shy I didn’t shout or anything I just did what I was told so they had no clue about my life and they said we will ring your nan and usually my nan works nights so she sleeps in the day and usually she’s very very tired as she suffers with depression like my grandad but she bought every bit of joy into Mubarak life and she’s said I bought just into hers she has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. So they rang her and said sorry to wake you Valerie but josh is very upset something has happened and it’s to do with his mum and my nan straight up just said right I’m coming. She has arthritis in her knees and hands and is a carer at night it was very cold and my grandad was at work so she had no transport and she was straight there as soon as my nan came through doors she flung her arms open and I ran up to her I’m 6’2 my nans 5’2 I’d say and ive never felt so much like a toddler in my life I just fell into her arms and started crying immensely the teachers explained the situation. And from then on I’d say I’ve got worse I’m crying more regularly I’m struggling with tasks I’m being told because my dad has adhd I could of had it or depression and because of my nan being so much a part of my life my girlfriend now I’m like a little boy with she lost her dad too when she was 9 and I love her to pieces I get attatched to the females in my life very easily and am very protective and I am controlling in certain ways I hate myself for being that way I want help to stop being controlling I just don’t know where to go for it. So far in my life I’ve done a lot of sports running football and Thai boxing I still run and do thai boxing I found I was getting to angry at football so it was no use there’s more hate in it now than love for the sport. My nan rarely comes to watch my fights because she has anxiety and depression so she doesn’t like getting out the house she came too one of them which unfortunately I lost I fought a testosterone filled man, my fight record is 2W-2L my mums side of my family comes and see me watch I’m quite close with her sisters who I see often, any help or advice I would appreciate any questions any of you have to ask I will answer my best, oh I have a part time job too I work behind a bar. I have a dream that I will be a proffesional fighter I will be someone who leaves a mark on this earth and all the people I can help I will I’ll spoil my nan and grandad. Oh and when I was around 5 and I had to get rid of my dummy the method my nan used was when the advert used to come on of children who don’t have much there used to be a child in a cot crying without a dummy and it used y make me cry it still does but anyway I said to my nan I want to give that little boy my dummy and bottle so hey it worked until I saw the advert again and he didn’t have my dummy and bottle so I cried some more. My nan is beginning to drink regularly now and I’ve tried speaking to her about it and my grandad he’s always drank but our family knows he works hard so he drinks a bottle of wine a few nights a week but my nan has been doing it too and I’ve really felt like my one olace I’ve always felt secure and home is falling apart my nan found out I cut myself the other day and she sat me down and listened to me I could tell she’d been crying to and I hope she understands that this family my home is everything to me my nan is my guardian and I love her dearly. I tell her that before I leave the house always have done always will do. I put a brave face on but my girlfriend has seen I’m troubled and has repeated to me to get help I’ve give it a shot at describing on here thank you all for reading. Sorry for the grammar and sorry if I’ve upset you, I hope you are all having a merry Christmas and have a lovely time with your families. Honestly there’s nothing better than love.
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betterinrecovery
- Posts: 390
- Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm
Re: Mental illness knows no boundaries...
Dear Joshy,
I read really slowly and due to the depressions my concentration is not that good,
but I am slowly reading through your post.
I am sure I am not the only person reading.
It may take a day or so for you to get replies.
keep returning to the forum if you can,
B
I read really slowly and due to the depressions my concentration is not that good,
but I am slowly reading through your post.
I am sure I am not the only person reading.
It may take a day or so for you to get replies.
keep returning to the forum if you can,
B
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