The start of 2018, I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I were so excited and it was like living a perfect dream. Then, at 26 weeks, I started haemorrhaging. At 28 weeks, I bled too much and they had to deliver my baby by c-section. He was absolutely perfect but had to go to NICU for help breathing, whilst I recovered from the surgery and had blood transfusions. I was told i couldn't see my baby until my spinal block wore off and my catheter was out. But then my son took a turn for the worse and they rushed me to see him. I held him for his last hour and felt him breathe for the last time. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces.
I have just existed since then. I fancy I see signs from my son so that I can still be a mother. I tell myself I will get pregnant again and will make sure the new baby always knows about their brother. But no new pregnancy yet and I worry there won't ever be.
I am ignoring Christmas as the only thing I want is my son. Failing that, I wanted to be pregnant again but no to that too. So I am faced with how much longer I can live in such pain, with nothing to live for. I can't see a future for me without living children so I an beginning to think I just don't have a future. Life should have taken me and not my son. I know he would be ashamed but I think I can't take this for much longer.