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Wish I wasn't here anymore

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stillmother27
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Dec 24, 2018 5:52 pm

Wish I wasn't here anymore

Postby stillmother27 » Mon Dec 24, 2018 6:08 pm

The start of 2018, I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I were so excited and it was like living a perfect dream. Then, at 26 weeks, I started haemorrhaging. At 28 weeks, I bled too much and they had to deliver my baby by c-section. He was absolutely perfect but had to go to NICU for help breathing, whilst I recovered from the surgery and had blood transfusions. I was told i couldn't see my baby until my spinal block wore off and my catheter was out. But then my son took a turn for the worse and they rushed me to see him. I held him for his last hour and felt him breathe for the last time. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

I have just existed since then. I fancy I see signs from my son so that I can still be a mother. I tell myself I will get pregnant again and will make sure the new baby always knows about their brother. But no new pregnancy yet and I worry there won't ever be.

I am ignoring Christmas as the only thing I want is my son. Failing that, I wanted to be pregnant again but no to that too. So I am faced with how much longer I can live in such pain, with nothing to live for. I can't see a future for me without living children so I an beginning to think I just don't have a future. Life should have taken me and not my son. I know he would be ashamed but I think I can't take this for much longer.

christabel
Posts: 2063
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:49 am

Re: Wish I wasn't here anymore

Postby christabel » Mon Dec 24, 2018 10:28 pm

To have gone through that it is understandable the way you feel.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. You have done well getting this far.
I urge you to seek medical help. Our minds and bodies can only cope with so much.
Christmas can be difficult for a lot of people. Could you do something specially for your baby. A nice candle or decoration.

Please try to get some help and use the forum when you can.
Chris


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