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I hate my dog (because I hate myself.) Advice Needed

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I hate my dog (because I hate myself.) Advice Needed

Postby jadeg » Wed Dec 12, 2018 2:20 pm

I’m posting here in hopes that people won’t bombard me with accusations of being a horrible person, although I admit I deserve it. I really would like help with this because it’s getting worse.

I have a cute, bright, and very intelligent dog. He’s also very sensitive and neurotic . Sometimes he won’t eat just because he’s off his routine, sometimes he won’t eat for no discernible reason. This is one of the reasons he makes me so angry. I pay good money for his food and I’ve never had a dog so neurotic that it wouldn’t eat. But this is also one way he reminds me of me, because I’m also very sensitive and neurotic and prone to losing my appetite. He also is very cat-like sometimes. I love cats, much more than I like dogs. I’ve loved cats since I was a little girl, but I wanted a pet I could train and that wouldn’t shed on my furniture, so I got this dog. He licks his paws, licks his whole body just like a cat. His favorite time to do this is when I’m grooming myself in the bathroom and he’s waiting for me. But I absolutely hate the noise he makes doing it. Clickly wet mouth noises that get right under my skin like nails on a chalk board. I scream at him to stop whenever I catch him at it. He likes to jump up on people. My husband thinks it’s cute and while he doesn’t exactly encourage it, he doesn’t do much to stop him. I on the other hand absolutely lose my shit when he does it, because I’ve spent MONTHS trying yo train him to stop it.

Speaking of my husband, he loves the dog. I used be glad he did, but now he’s always telling me I’m mean to the dog and always taking up for it. This makes me blind with rage. But he’s absolutely right. I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t think I was a terrible person for constantly snapping at and being angry at my dog. Because he’s right I hide my rage from him.
Now I think I’ve internalized that rage, because instead of being occasionally irritated by the dog, I now want to hurt him.
I keep fantasizing about being violent towards him. It’s not just because I feel my husband takes his side and doesn’t hear me out. I see myself in the dog. I’m in a relationship where I have less power than my spouse, mostly because he’s far older than me. Sometimes when me and my husband fight I feel and act just the same as a dog. I tuck my tail in, cower, cry, hide, whimper, and everything else because I’m weak. During these times if my dog comes into my sight, I feel a surge of rage and scream at him to get away from me. When I scream at him, I feel like I’m screaming at myself for being such a coward and not being in true control of my life. For being so neurotic and useless.

I’m not trying to justify myself here. I know that I’m the pure definition of a bully. But I’ve made a habit of hating my dog, even though I do love him and I’m very proud of him, and can’t think of a better companion. Getting rid of the dog is not an option. Mostly because the thought of someone else having him and loving him makes me furious. I would rather the dog be dead in a ditch. I know this is irrational but it’s no less true. While I have chronic depression and anxiety, I never realized I had such serious anger issues. I need to know how to break this habit of hatred, and how to manage my anger and control issues so that they don’t effect my dog, and we can have the happy relationship that he deserves, and that we used to have.

Thank you for reading.

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Re: I hate my dog (because I hate myself.) Advice Needed

Postby depressedtodeath » Thu Dec 13, 2018 9:25 am

Wouldn't it be the kindest thing to do to have him rehomed. Surely it would be better than wishing him dead in a ditch. Perhaps you could go to your gp and show them your post here.

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Re: I hate my dog (because I hate myself.) Advice Needed

Postby samkin » Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:18 pm

I have 2 dogs and I completely get the projected anger on them. My anger is fueled by my own perfectionism and when they don't act perfectly (especially in public where I'm seen), I can get very angry with them/myself. However, my anger occurs maybe once or twice a month and I've worked on my own anger issues to ensure they never get hurt or are fearful of me. If they were ever in any danger, I would have to send them away. It would break my heart, probably break my marriage but I love those dogs and put their safety and happiness first.

It sounds like you're angry at your dog pretty frequently and spend some time fantasizing about hurting them. You need a break from the dog to give you perspective and also to keep them safe. Don't let this go too far where you can't undo a mistake. It'll be harder and longer for you to recover from. It's great that you've identified that you're projecting your anger towards yourself onto them, but now it's time to work on that, especially as you have a vulnerable creature in your life who cannot protect themself.

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Re: I hate my dog (because I hate myself.) Advice Needed

Postby jadeg » Thu Dec 13, 2018 8:53 pm

Thank you so much for the replies. Especially thank you for sympathizing with me at all. Since I’ve got these feelings off my chest, my anger pressure has been much released.I have been making a concentrated effort to reconcile with my dog, by spending more time with him and reward training him like we used to. It really makes me happy to watch his smart little mind work. I have been working hard to redirect my thoughts when I get angry, so I can break the habit of thinking violently towards him. I don’t know if I feel comfortable talking to a therapist about this exactly, because I’m very ashamed of myself and am also very concerned with my image, and I’ve never heard of anyone who casually hated their dog, and people everywhere love dogs and animals, and hate people who are mean to them at all. But if it becomes clear that I just can’t have a dog, then I will take steps to have him rehomed. I’m glad that this situation happened with a dog and not a baby, because I feel like the feelings would have been the same. The whole thing has made me realize that I am not at all cut out for motherhood.

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Re: I hate my dog (because I hate myself.) Advice Needed

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Thu Dec 13, 2018 8:57 pm

Well if you dont want to talk to therapists- there are a nice bunch of us here doing our best for each other
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

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Re: I hate my dog (because I hate myself.) Advice Needed

Postby flookie » Fri Dec 14, 2018 6:32 pm

I also have a neurotic dog so understand how difficult it is when you are also depressed not a good combination. My dog is scared of people dogs and countless other things and needs a routine. Unfortunately a dog like that will pick up on all your emotions and it will make them worse which in turn makes you worse because you have to bottle things up. I have found you have to try and be happy when they do something right and accept they may never be like other dogs. Also even with how you feel I’m sure your dog loves you and wants you to love it back and never judges you. I don’t know what you feed your dog but my dog used to be really picky until I fed her raw. If your feeling hate towards the dog the best thing you can do if you won’t revoke is go out or into another room so dog doesn’t pick up on your emotions otherwise it’s a vicious cycle of you feeding off each other and I know this sounds stupid but when I’m angry I sing as my dog thinks I’m happy when I’m singing and she doesn’t care that I can’t sing.

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