I’m posting here in hopes that people won’t bombard me with accusations of being a horrible person, although I admit I deserve it. I really would like help with this because it’s getting worse.
I have a cute, bright, and very intelligent dog. He’s also very sensitive and neurotic . Sometimes he won’t eat just because he’s off his routine, sometimes he won’t eat for no discernible reason. This is one of the reasons he makes me so angry. I pay good money for his food and I’ve never had a dog so neurotic that it wouldn’t eat. But this is also one way he reminds me of me, because I’m also very sensitive and neurotic and prone to losing my appetite. He also is very cat-like sometimes. I love cats, much more than I like dogs. I’ve loved cats since I was a little girl, but I wanted a pet I could train and that wouldn’t shed on my furniture, so I got this dog. He licks his paws, licks his whole body just like a cat. His favorite time to do this is when I’m grooming myself in the bathroom and he’s waiting for me. But I absolutely hate the noise he makes doing it. Clickly wet mouth noises that get right under my skin like nails on a chalk board. I scream at him to stop whenever I catch him at it. He likes to jump up on people. My husband thinks it’s cute and while he doesn’t exactly encourage it, he doesn’t do much to stop him. I on the other hand absolutely lose my shit when he does it, because I’ve spent MONTHS trying yo train him to stop it.
Speaking of my husband, he loves the dog. I used be glad he did, but now he’s always telling me I’m mean to the dog and always taking up for it. This makes me blind with rage. But he’s absolutely right. I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t think I was a terrible person for constantly snapping at and being angry at my dog. Because he’s right I hide my rage from him.
Now I think I’ve internalized that rage, because instead of being occasionally irritated by the dog, I now want to hurt him.
I keep fantasizing about being violent towards him. It’s not just because I feel my husband takes his side and doesn’t hear me out. I see myself in the dog. I’m in a relationship where I have less power than my spouse, mostly because he’s far older than me. Sometimes when me and my husband fight I feel and act just the same as a dog. I tuck my tail in, cower, cry, hide, whimper, and everything else because I’m weak. During these times if my dog comes into my sight, I feel a surge of rage and scream at him to get away from me. When I scream at him, I feel like I’m screaming at myself for being such a coward and not being in true control of my life. For being so neurotic and useless.
I’m not trying to justify myself here. I know that I’m the pure definition of a bully. But I’ve made a habit of hating my dog, even though I do love him and I’m very proud of him, and can’t think of a better companion. Getting rid of the dog is not an option. Mostly because the thought of someone else having him and loving him makes me furious. I would rather the dog be dead in a ditch. I know this is irrational but it’s no less true. While I have chronic depression and anxiety, I never realized I had such serious anger issues. I need to know how to break this habit of hatred, and how to manage my anger and control issues so that they don’t effect my dog, and we can have the happy relationship that he deserves, and that we used to have.
Thank you for reading.