I don’t have anyone. No one. Not one person irl who I can relate to, talk openly to, feel accepted and loved truly by for myself. I have my family, yes, and they love me but even they don’t truly know me. No one does. I feel more connected to my online friends than ppl irl. Maybe bc irl ppl aren’t intentional in my experience? They aren’t. I get being busy and having stuff but irl ppl don’t give a shit. They only care about themselves. Nice ppl are so fucking irresponsible. They know how to appear nice and whatnot but they don’t know the true meaning of kindness. Kindness is genuine. Niceness is just a formality. Niceness is irresponsible. It’s being nice but not intentional. Kindness is true and genuine and I would listen and care for you regardless of anything. There are very few truly nice ppl. I’ve met a few but only online. Why is it that the ppl I’m closest to emotionally are on the other side of the world? What do I do then? Why aren’t they real? Why can’t they be real? Why didn’t I know them irl? I get them maybe I couldn’t have been this close to them, but still.
There was even one I loved. I know how fucking stupid that sounds loving someone you met online, who lives across the globe. But idk I didn’t believe you could love someone online until I did. And you see bc it’s online I can’t tell anyone irl or make a big deal out of the fact my heart is so broken over this. It’s like I was able to fall in love w someone for purely their personality, their brain, their heart, why does it have to be so difficult? I didn’t even believe in online things before I thought it was stupid so fucking stupid. I didn’t meet them w the intention of dating them or anyone. I mean me just talked online so it’s not dating yk but idk we shared shit yk? I told them things I never told anyone. Some things I had trouble even admitting to myself. I’ve never felt so Idk worthy before? Idk they saw my flaws and liked them anyways yk. I even think they loved me too yk. God I know I sound so fucking stupid saying I love a person online. But it’s true. It’s not an immature infatuation either. Idk I thought about it a lot. This person meant a lot to me. Still does. They changed me as a person made me better, wiser, kinder, more thoughtful, more honest. Everything. What went wrong you may ask? They couldn’t see in their self what I see. They hate their self. They struggle w depression and I think maybe ptsd but they don’t like meds or doctors so they deal w it alone. They stopped talking to me. Completely. I could sense something was wrong and then they said “I need peace” and just disappeared. Maybe I should stop reliving it. It’s been months since then. Their friend told me they get like this sometimes. I mean I knew that but I’ve never seen him this bad. He quit his job his friend told me. He quit his job irl. Idk he’s been through a lot he’s probably suffering rn. I shouldn’t complain I shouldn’t complain but I wish he’d have let me be there for him why wasn’t I allowed to be there to support him? Why couldn’t he choose me? He said he took me seriously. He said this meant something to him. I think was I naive? But no, I believe him. I think that’s not it, it’s not me I wanna blame myself but it’s not me. Idk what happened he’s been through too much shit for one person. His friend said he’s not coming back and she couldn’t say why he just said to tell me that. I keep thinking is it me? Is it me? But no I go over everything and I think it was something else his life yk. Friends said maybe he’ll still come back yk. Apologize or something once he’s calmed down but idk. He’ll blame himself he won’t forgive himself even tho I’ve already forgiven him he’ll say he doesn’t deserve it yk. I’m sorry. You must think I’m so silly. That this is silly. But it really did Men’s something to me. Idk I’m in uni and he’s out of uni so we’re adults yk. It felt like something real but bc it was online idk I feel like no one will believe I felt this but I still do and it still hurts and it still feels like heartbreak and it still feels like I lost a very important person in my life and idk the pain is real so why isn’t this real? I wonder if it’d been irl if I could’ve helped him been beside him done something for him maybe he could’ve trusted me then. I tried to talk about this to my counselor once but he kinda just dismissed it..dismissed me. I won’t be going back to that counselor idk maybe you think I’m stupid too but it still felt real to me.
I don’t regret it yk. It was a good experience meeting this person, talking to them yk. But it hurts. I wonder if I’ll have to move on. When I’ll move on. Idk. Part of me thinks I should but every time I imagine being w someone else I think okay but they have to be like this and this and this and then I realize I’m just describing him. Idk I know other ppl exist...but idk I’ve never met anyone like him before. He was more than I dreamed of yk. Idc about his personal issues like I care but like they don’t bother me I would’ve been fine w him like that still yk but I feel like he thought I was better off without him around. It’s not true I was better when he was here. He’s truly kind yk. I’m grateful to have loved someone like this person, but idk if I can move on, how, when, should I? Part of me hopes he’ll still come back then I feel stupid for hoping Idk why I’m hung up on this yk I know it’s dumb but that’s how I feel yk he’s the first person who completely and utterly accepted everything about me. Not even my family does this. And I feel like he cared unconditionally. Idk if you ever have a connection like that w someone...don’t let it go. It’s the best thing. It’s just idk his mental health. He has it harder than me. He needs healing I just think bc of this he thought he could be around me he thought badly of himself and idk even if I’m upset I can’t even think badly of him for it yk. Idk I’m just rambling yk. I just hate that I can’t control this. That this was online so it could just end like this without my say. I hate that I can’t do anything and I can’t talk about it irl and I have to hide my hurt feeling and do hate that I’m still in love w him. It’s be easier if I could just forget this and laugh about my “online relationship” but no it was real even tho it was online idk it was something and it was real and I have real feelings over it and I don’t think I misread anything on his end. The whole thing sucks bc the reason it ended is his mental health basically and I just wanted to be there for him but I couldn’t be he just withdrew from evrytbing. I don’t even know what happened that caused him to feel that way to even quit his job that he liked. His job was really draining on him but yk still it’s a red flag to me I wish I’d stop thinking about this idk