Ive been the classic perfect kid for most of my life, didn't present as mentally ill until around 15 or 16, didn't have it get really bad until a personal trauma at age 17, and used to have perfect grades, never need to study hard, always be able to work well and create cool things and have a largely good relationship with my family. My parents, one of whom is a recovering meditation-loving depressive, and the other is a person who prefers not to learn about mental illness and draw her own conclusions of the actions of others, weren't super controlling for a long time, and never seemed to be particularly disappointed in me at least 98% of the time. I had an ok run for a long time. But when I hit a massive speed bump in my second year of university, and was highly encouraged to drop out, my lovely mother told me she'd always support me, give me everything I needed and give me my year abroad savings to spend time with people I care about a lot on a year abroad to sort myself out.
That turned out to be a big lie. Once she'd successfully pulled me out of uni and I was moved back home, the family atmosphere immediately changed. There was no support that I'd been promised, emotionally or otherwise, and I was left getting progressively worse and worse in my parents home, shoehorned into the spare room and left to my own devices
My parents kept telling me it'd be the perfect way to get better, moving home and having some time to do 'whatever I wanted', but that was painfully different from the reality. I get 100 a month, which seemed amazing at first, but like everything else my costs went up and up and my security and freedom went further away. I can't go out with my friends when I want to, I get bullied' for spending my money in ways that I wish to, and every week that goes by it's like there's another necessary item erased from the shopping list, like tampons, shampoo, or even food sometimes. Even the small things, like cooking food for everyone or buying snacks to share, were replaced with box meals and all the snacks in the house being items I'm allergic to.
You see, the thing about my parents is that they act passive aggressively, in a way where if I complain or stand up for myself at any time, they treat me like a bad child or an ungrateful person. Or worse. There's little patterns that have developed in their actions towards me, like complaining about me asking for tampons when I'm on my period, or eating any snack food I buy or bring in of my own, or not even telling me about family events or things that are going on, then spitting back that 'you wouldn't go anyway'. My parents have trapped me in a near housebound situation where I can barely see my friends or go even to small cheap social events, and have built the narrative that it's all my fault and anything I say otherwise is just me 'acting crazy and sick'. And lately it's gotten way worse .
I'm constantly treated like a disappointment, and a bad child and a monster for being mentally ill and not being able to work in a steady job. I'm yelled at for breathing in the wrong direction or watching TV, and there's always something I get blamed for no matter what the context or how little sense it makes. When I try to speak up or be honest, even in a way that actively kisses ass or tries to dumb it down, I get yelled at and called aggressive. As a severely anxious person, I don't think I have an aggressive bone in my body. It's at the point of constant that I can't even stop thinking of examples.
See, my parents put on a nice face and treat everyone else well, so I'm never believed and called a rebellious person making things up when I try to talk frankly to my family and people I trust. They don't leave marks. They don't hit. But they constantly treat me like I shouldn't be alive, and scream until I have severe panic attacks if I snap and try to make them understand what they're doing to me. But every time they eat peanuts out of the bag, or tell me I'm not doing enough, or laugh at my future plans to move out on my own, or bully me for anything from the smallest thing to big issues, it all adds up. Truth is, my mental health is so severely damaged right now to the point where I have near zero motivation and confidence to do anything at all because of them, and when I try to aspire or work hard or do something for myself I get knocked down by them treating everything I do as useless.
Lately, I've been bullied about what I wear all the way to what I watch. When I went to visit a friend for comfort I came home and large chunks of my wardrobe were missing, presumably thrown away, that I loved and needed and spent my own money on and can never get back or even ask about, for fear of being hurt and insulted again. As of today, my dad stole food of my own twice and blamed me for it, and I had a family event I would have happily gone to, but I was told ten minutes before it happened and assumed to 'not want to go anyway' with a snide comment from my mother.
And the worst part is I just want to move out and be on my own, but nothing is working fast enough. I applied for many jobs over a few months and got none. I applied for benefits payments but the site is so broken it hasn't even processed my identification for months, I discovered the Prince's Trust and have my course contents now, but I haven't got the money to travel to libraries to do my work and I can't work at home with people that think it's just an excuse for me not to work and actively stamp out my creativity. I've been on the therapy waiting list for almost a whole year, and despite several calls from my GP saying it's an urgent case I haven't got any further. I'm hardly able to do anything with my friends without feeling guilty about spending my money, and because of travel costs I can't cover it anyway most of the time. If I need money for anything serious I get bullied for needing that money, and threatened that it won't be covered. Sometimes I get it. Sometimes I don't and I have to stay home and try not to think about it. I get bullied for my weight and eating anything sweet or unhealthy but I'm never allowed cooking ingredients or family meals, only a few boxes of ready made pizza and chicken. I'm desperate to move away but I have noone to stay with or any solid means of support or getting money, let alone somewhere safe I can work on my business without feeling worthless and demotivated. And worst of all, my parents are suddenly desperate to move away to Spain and alternate between threatening that they'll leave me here homeless one day, and complaining that because I'm here helpless I'm putting their plans in jeopardy. I can't even access most free services because of my age, and since the physical abuse has only ever happened once or twice and I'm not in physical danger, I feel unworthy of getting help and don't have access to most support.
I could go on. I just don't know if id be able to stop. I want to move out and support myself as soon as possible, because I don't think I can last much longer here.