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Lonely and losing will to live

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larastar
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:20 pm

Lonely and losing will to live

Postby larastar » Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:51 pm

I suffer from BDD Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I've had CBT therapy for over 6 months which did nothing but make my symptoms worse. I'm 29 and I've been single for almost 6 years, barely have any friends and the friends I do have don't make any effort to see me. I was severely bullied in and out of school and then turned to drink and drugs in my late teens. I'm healthy, do yoga, exercise and stay sober now but I feel like throwing my life away more than I ever have before.

My dad tried to kill my mum at the start of the year and was also sleeping with a 21 year old girl cheating on my mum. He's been violent and abusive to me, I rarely see him. My sister is busy being a mother to her son and never makes time to visit me, yet I try to visit her often taking an hours bus ride that triggers my anxiety. My mum shows little concern or interest in me and only invites me over to see her when it suits her. She's not been to visit me at my house once with the intention of spending time with me in the whole 8 years since I moved out. I literally have no one I to talk to about my feelings anymore and am to scared to express to anyone that I'm feeling more like seriously hurting myself.

My friends don't understand my BDD and say things that constantly make me feel worse so I avoid them and they avoid me. A lot of my old friends are drug addicts now so I've been trying for a long time to meet new people. I've tried local events and workshops, I even got a puppy to try and force myself to meet new people, I'd go to parties and share food, drink and jokes with people. It just seems impossible for me to meet people who seem to want to make new friends, no matter how nice, sharing and friendly I am.

A few years ago I started having dreams that I jumped off a bridge in my previous life after being rejected by a lover. I've been heartbroken a few times, I feel like my confidence has been crushed and I have failed at my profession. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I know I'm not disgustingly ugly but I can't face the fact that most women are prettier than me. I've tried online dating which knocked my confidence even more. I feel as though if I don't meet someone new soon, I will die of a broken and lonely heart.

If anyone has advice apart from going to the doctor and getting on anti-depressants I'd really appreciate the suggestions.

maisi
Posts: 368
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:29 pm

Re: Lonely and losing will to live

Postby maisi » Fri Sep 28, 2018 10:36 pm

Hi,

Sorry you've been through so much. It sounds like you've got loads of strengths despite the things that are causing you such problems, so there'll surely be a way out of it. But you're definitely saying something needs to change for you, are there any ideas or directions that you think have potential, other than taking antidepressants? If you can work out what you think you need, that's step 1 to the long battle to get it.

Doesn't sound like CBT is the sort of thing that would help enough. You need to find the route that feels helpful and right for you, and that might well involve getting some professional advice, which you don't have to take but can just see what it sounds like. The gp could be a route to more realistic help, depending on what you say to them?

Maisi

cookiemonster
Posts: 135
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2018 2:26 pm

Re: Lonely and losing will to live

Postby cookiemonster » Sun Sep 30, 2018 7:33 am

I know local to me there are introvert social groups that do things together like bowling or cinema etc. They might be good for you to meet people who also suffer from mental health issues.

sammy
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2018 1:26 am

Re: Lonely and losing will to live

Postby sammy » Sun Sep 30, 2018 8:45 pm

Hi,

I'm sorry that you're suffering so much at the moment. It sounds like you are doing everything right though at the moment, as in pushing yourself and meeting new people.

I think maybe instead of CBT you could look into counselling. In my experience counselling is always about you just having a chance to chat through your trauma and your thoughts but not like CBT where you try to work through why you're having those thoughts.

Thoughts are with you x


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