I suffer from BDD Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I've had CBT therapy for over 6 months which did nothing but make my symptoms worse. I'm 29 and I've been single for almost 6 years, barely have any friends and the friends I do have don't make any effort to see me. I was severely bullied in and out of school and then turned to drink and drugs in my late teens. I'm healthy, do yoga, exercise and stay sober now but I feel like throwing my life away more than I ever have before.
My dad tried to kill my mum at the start of the year and was also sleeping with a 21 year old girl cheating on my mum. He's been violent and abusive to me, I rarely see him. My sister is busy being a mother to her son and never makes time to visit me, yet I try to visit her often taking an hours bus ride that triggers my anxiety. My mum shows little concern or interest in me and only invites me over to see her when it suits her. She's not been to visit me at my house once with the intention of spending time with me in the whole 8 years since I moved out. I literally have no one I to talk to about my feelings anymore and am to scared to express to anyone that I'm feeling more like seriously hurting myself.
My friends don't understand my BDD and say things that constantly make me feel worse so I avoid them and they avoid me. A lot of my old friends are drug addicts now so I've been trying for a long time to meet new people. I've tried local events and workshops, I even got a puppy to try and force myself to meet new people, I'd go to parties and share food, drink and jokes with people. It just seems impossible for me to meet people who seem to want to make new friends, no matter how nice, sharing and friendly I am.
A few years ago I started having dreams that I jumped off a bridge in my previous life after being rejected by a lover. I've been heartbroken a few times, I feel like my confidence has been crushed and I have failed at my profession. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I know I'm not disgustingly ugly but I can't face the fact that most women are prettier than me. I've tried online dating which knocked my confidence even more. I feel as though if I don't meet someone new soon, I will die of a broken and lonely heart.
If anyone has advice apart from going to the doctor and getting on anti-depressants I'd really appreciate the suggestions.