... darkest before the dawn?

[fatgandalf]

hi.
I don't know anywhere else where I can just stream what's in my head without incurring guilt in other people.
i'm on the nhs merry-go-round so am seeing the local crisis team once a week, the psychologist I've seen once so far and i'm on my second type of meds. they are all brilliant and I can't fault them for their efforts.
my wife is awesome and totally understanding and supportive.
my employer not so much.
I work as an accountant so my job relies on me being able to focus and concentrate.
I can't do that at the moment so it's taking me 4 or 5 times as long to get a job done than it should.
my boss had the meeting to me when I came clean about my illness saying they would do all they could to support me.
there's been talk of me "taking time off" to "get my head straight" and then coming back.
there's also been talk of paying me at a lower grade to reflect the quantity of work i'm currently able to produce.
they say they understand but they don't really have any idea.
today I told them that i'd need some time off tomorrow for my latest visit to the consultant to talk about changing my meds again.
there was an audible sigh and a "we can talk about it later".
the thing they don't realise (and I don't blame them for this) is that they are my main source of stress (outside of my depression) and that without them I might have more of a chance of ending up a positive statistic rather than a negative one.
my mood has been dipping the last 4 weeks from a point where I didn't think it could get lower.
I've been fighting the urge to take myself away but it's getting harder.
this week I was held back cos it was my sons birthday party.
the week before that it was his birthday.
this week I have no excuse.
it scares me - not having to guilt meself into not doing it.
it also lifts a weight off my shoulders.
like a door opening and fresh air rushing into my head.
i'm free to choose.
but i'm not because I know that I can't go on like this and I have real doubts as to the chances of me getting better.
I love my family but don't want them to have to share their lives with this monochrome version of me that I've become.
i'm already a ghost to them so there is bound to be some relief on their side when i'm gone.
like I said at the start i'm not looking for any answers (I already have them), i'm just looking for somewhere to release what's going on in my head.
thanks for listening.

[maisi]

Hi gandalf the second (or third? I'm not well versed in the chronicles, but there were 2 incarnations I'm sure),

It's great you've been able to express how you feel, it's really painful going through this stuff on your own. I don't work and find it hard to imagine how tough it must be trying to keep it going during peak mental health issues. The reactions of people at work must make you feel a lot worse, it's the last thing you need to feel like your wellbeing is an inconvenience, what you need is patience and understanding of depression, and the right treatment approach. It sounds like your family are understanding?

I'm sure that how you're feeling is clouding your judgement, as I understand it that's totally normal with depression and many other difficulties. I'm trying to learn some better perspective in my life, regarding how sure I am that x is true, only to find a few weeks later that it wasn't.

Look, someone who picks fatgandalf as a username is already spreading light in the world in the midst of their own suffering, so please chat more on the forum, there are many people struggling with depression here, and also many diversions and friends x

[cookiemonster]

I’m so glad you have taken the time to express how you feel. As many of us here I’m sure have felt the dark feelings that you are describing, you are amongst friends. I work and I need to be fully switched on when I’m there. Luckily my job is a welcomed distraction from the inner pain I’m feeling. I have found therapy very helpful as well as a support group.