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Suicidal Because Ugly

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tofler
Posts: 291
Joined: Thu Sep 08, 2016 11:33 pm
Location: England (North East)

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby tofler » Sun Sep 16, 2018 6:15 pm

I can't see a single comment in this thread where i've told you to "think happy thoughts" or to "believe in yourself more". I've tried to suggest to you that perhaps you have tunnel vision about this issue and that viewing it from different perspectives might help you to get unstuck.

You're right though, therapy probably isn't going to work for you.

spoonyspoon
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:38 pm

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby spoonyspoon » Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:05 pm

tofler wrote:I can't see a single comment in this thread where i've told you to "think happy thoughts" or to "believe in yourself more". I've tried to suggest to you that perhaps you have tunnel vision about this issue and that viewing it from different perspectives might help you to get unstuck.

You're right though, therapy probably isn't going to work for you.


You have inferred that the problems I've described to you are psychosomatic, rather than what I've described as carefully as I can.

tofler
Posts: 291
Joined: Thu Sep 08, 2016 11:33 pm
Location: England (North East)

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby tofler » Fri Sep 21, 2018 7:46 am

I haven't inferred that at all. Your issues are psychological, not psychosomatic.

betterinrecovery
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby betterinrecovery » Fri Sep 21, 2018 11:10 am

Hi there!
just passing by yesterday I read the communications above,
Counselling comes in many forms and is a delicate process and can be a life changing experience :)

As we know, with the conunselling, there are no quick fixes - really, nevermind what might be shown on the popular media. Change takes time and counselling takes time.

For someone coming fresh to the counselling experience, I think it is good to check out the different types of counselling available. Personcentred humanistic terapies, psychotherapy, CBT,
an integration of one or more, and there are others not mentioned.
Find out the ones that are offered locally and what you can afford to pay for.

Healing and Change will take time, working with a therapist can bring about change but the leaning curve may be a bit steep and we may have to look at some very difficult issues.

In the counselling space the therapist may help us look at how and why we make certain relationships, the origins may be rooted in a difficult past.

so like when getting on a rollercoaster, hold on tight as it might be a bumpy ride....but, I can assure you, if you take the challenge of counselling and are willing and able to 'do the work', your life will change...things will never be the same.

Counselling - one of the best and most difficult experiences of my life.
B

spoonyspoon
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:38 pm

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby spoonyspoon » Sat Sep 22, 2018 1:39 pm

tofler wrote:I haven't inferred that at all. Your issues are psychological, not psychosomatic.


I don't believe so.

The only issue in my life is that women are not attracted to me, or even a digital representation of my self. And for as many times as I've asked, I've still not had a clear answer on how counselling will affect that. Literally, I have no problem with how I look personally, I dress fairly well and am in decent shape, so I'm really failing to understand when people tell me that I must need "correct thinking patterns" is seriously the solution here. This isn't some After School Special, where I've been beautiful all this time, and women have been throwing themselves at me but it's all been because I think I'm ugly this has happened. It's just not that.

You call me "tunnel visioned", and I suppose that's not unfair, but there's a problem that's affecting my life, and I cannot focus on anything else as long as that problem persists. This leads to my feelings towards suicide: there's literally nothing else I can think of to live for so long as I go unwanted by the opposite sex, I will not be happy. I have all of the usual things people look for when they think of "happiness", and if that was enough I wouldn't be on this messageboard.

betterinrecovery
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby betterinrecovery » Sat Sep 22, 2018 10:32 pm

Dear Spoonyspoon,
I know you are talking to someone else on this thread, but I hope you read my contribution and I hope it can be of some help in pointing you in the right direction.

This forum is limited in what it can do in terms of providing therapy, but I think it can be used as a tool for wellbeing, safety and support.

It is limited because it is so public, but the fact that is public makes it safe in a way.

Here on the forum, as you know, you can get ideas of how to get more help and see how other people are coping and then indeed be of help to others which is therapeutic in itself. :)

The site is definitely a help to me.

So, there is a booklet called 'I am not good enough' by Chris Williams, part of his little book cbt course.
it costs a few pounds on Amazon (it is part of a set of books in the Living life to the full little books course),
it is a good introduction into starting to change the way we think about ourselves.
it is not a cure, and I myself do not think CBt is a cure all , but it can be very helpful, I think.

so why not have a look at the site -
www.livinglifetothefull.com

Change is not easy and it takes time but it is entirely possible.

As you are using the term suicidal, I think you must be between a rock and a hard place and are looking for healing, change, happiness and closer relationships perhaps?

Best Regards
B

deb1960
Posts: 1700
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby deb1960 » Sun Sep 23, 2018 8:43 pm

Hi spoonyspoon

So it seems you're ugly and you can't get a girlfriend

I have a 38 year old son who has only had one relationship of a few weeks and that was more than ten year's ago. He did online dating but a few years ago decided the effort was too much. He would love to be in a relationship.

Given your lack of success I would suggest you do as he has. He goes out with his friends a lot, sees his family regularly. For holidays he either goes with family or on his own. He has a very pragmatic approach and gets as much from life as he can. I would suggest you give up on relationships for now at least. Try to make the best of what you have. I am having to try to make the best of my situation; living with chronic mental health problems that are at times excruciating. It takes many years to learn to make the best of a crap life but it beats suicide. This i can say from experience.

Wishing you well
Deb x

spoonyspoon
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:38 pm

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby spoonyspoon » Sun Sep 23, 2018 9:36 pm

To BetterInRecovery:

As much as I appreciate your response in this thread, it seems as though your entire approach is to promote therapy and related services, your responses seem like a template, and even your name is a bit of a giveaway. I have listed in this very thread the reasons I don't see that counselling will be effective in this particular example, but I thank you for your time nonetheless.

deb1960 wrote:Hi spoonyspoon

So it seems you're ugly and you can't get a girlfriend

I have a 38 year old son who has only had one relationship of a few weeks and that was more than ten year's ago. He did online dating but a few years ago decided the effort was too much. He would love to be in a relationship.

Given your lack of success I would suggest you do as he has. He goes out with his friends a lot, sees his family regularly. For holidays he either goes with family or on his own. He has a very pragmatic approach and gets as much from life as he can. I would suggest you give up on relationships for now at least. Try to make the best of what you have. I am having to try to make the best of my situation; living with chronic mental health problems that are at times excruciating. It takes many years to learn to make the best of a crap life but it beats suicide. This i can say from experience.

Wishing you well
Deb x


Thanks Deb. There have been stretches of time where I don't focus on a relationship; forget to use the apps, just go out to see friends etc, it's all "fine", but at the end of the stretch of time I'm back to where I started. So what's the point? As I outlined in my initial post, I have several hobbies that I enjoy and get me out on a weeknight, so the problem isn't that I'm isolated or alone, I'm very grateful for the friends that I have, but at the end of the day they go back to their partners and families, and I just can't see that happening to me based on my experience so far. Suddenly the idea of living in misery for years on the offchance of something happening feels scarier than... well, "not feeling a thing", if you know what I mean.

deb1960
Posts: 1700
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby deb1960 » Mon Sep 24, 2018 8:14 am

Hi spoonyspoon

Firstly I would agree that imagining the future always being like this is scary. I am actually in that position myself at the moment. My anxiety is becoming worse and all I can imagine is the rest of my life living in this mental misery.

It's early days but at the end of last week I decided to see if I could get through one month rather than my whole life. It actually helped, the difference is in time being huge. Over the years (17 yrs on and off but more on) I have lived with this and regularly advised to take one day at a time. I have never known how to do this. For two days now I have refused to think beyond the day. It helped quite a lot. So today? I'm frightened that it was just luck. I am pushing the thoughts away but am very bothered by it all.

I am not suggesting that you could or should do this. What I'm aware of is that there are people who live a life that is much worse than yours or mine at a day at a time and with more peace. My problem, your problem, the problem for endless people is that we are living a life that is distressing.

My son felt much more like you for some years but gradually became resigned to it. I would say that whilst you can't change your personality we can alter our approach to life. It's not easy and God knows I'm struggling to do this.

Best wishes
Deb x

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 530
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Suicidal Because Ugly

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:20 pm

Look lets say you are ugly - maybe that is true maybe that is not - and at the end of the day there is no fixed definition of beauty or ugly

You come over well on the forum - except you are on a downer about your looks

So maybe it is not looks but aspects of your personality face to face
Maybe you come over as desperate or needy

Sit in a cafe a look at all the couples walking by - are they both beautiful or are there IYHO some ugly ones that have partners

You are a package of things

How do you get on on dating sites where you show no picture or use a picture of someone else
Or just the back of your head
Okay okay - but do it/something/anything

Register on a USA site and see how the chat goes

There are lot of lonely people looking for sort of none dates but chats online etc
Maybe try giving them a go and step back from this I am ugly and no-one wants to be with me and it is all that matters
Just interact

And see how you get on - with less pressure your self to achieve a girlfriend / dating set up
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself


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