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Partner of ten years committed suicide, really lost and need support (*Trig*)

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Partner of ten years committed suicide, really lost and need support (*Trig*)

Postby anonymouse1 » Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:43 pm

Hi there

First time I’ve posted on something like this but I feel totally lost and could really do with some advice, I recently experienced the most tragic lost I’ve ever had to go through in my life
My partner of ten years, tragically and upsettingly took his own life, ever since his suicide, I have been struggling to find reasons to live myself, he was and still is, the best friend I’ve ever had, we did everything together and now I feel completely empty, void of any emotion whatsoever, I’m not sleeping properly, not eating, I’m on anti depressants, I just don’t know what to do
I knew he was depressed but I had no idea he felt that bad, I have so much guilt and regret when I think about how he was feeling
I’ll give a bit of background on our relationship, He and I met when I was only 17, we fell head over heels in love with one another, we went through a lot in the first few months together, we lost a child, but if anything that brought us closer together, we had our ups and downs as any relationship would in ten years, but it remained clear, the love was always there, we thought of each other as soul mates, shared everything together, he was always very loving but he did seem to have a lot of anger inside, which was perhaps triggered from having a rocky childhood, not awful but very emotionally oppressed, both his parents used to make fun of him when he was younger and I always felt that could be cause for his lack of confidence later on in life, sometimes he seemed worried that someone didn’t like him, he thought people were going to humiliate him, even if they weren’t, this would absolutely break my heart and i always made an effort to talk to him about his feelings, not in a patronising way, just as his girlfriend, I wanted to be someone he could talk to
So in the last month leading up to his death, when he became quiet and withdrawn, it really worried me
One day, he was acting out of the ordinary, we were both studying so he was either at university or usually out on his bike, painting or creating music, but he had spent a few days indoors and was slightly withdrawn, I asked him what was wrong, he wouldn’t speak to me and urged me to go for a walk with him. Once we were outside and far away from the house, he frantically told me that he thought people were following him, that they were going to hurt us, I didn’t fully comprehend what he was saying, almost lost for words, but I asked him why anyone would want to hurt us? Why would they be following him? He just said “he had done something, to put him on their radar” it didn’t make any sense, he couldn’t tell me who “they” were, it really scared me, this went on for a couple of days before I decided I had to be honest with him, I’d researched his symptoms online and noted they were similar to a diagnosis of psychosis, worried i spoke to him and tried to get him to go to the doctors but he was too worried to go, I tried explaining that he wasn’t himself, that he needed help, but he wouldn’t talk to anyone
I decided to talk to my mum, she’s a counsellor and she assured me she wouldn’t be counselling him, she would talk to him as family, my family and him, have always had a good relationship
So we went round to my parents house and my boyfriend spoke to my mum, he told her what he had told me, not at any point did he say anything about wanting to end his own life, not to me nor my mum
After the visit to my parents, he seemed a bit happier, we went on some lovely day trips and he appeared slightly more relaxed, the paranoia was still there, but not as worrying as before, but then the week before he passed away, he became very withdrawn again, barely leaving the house to go to university, see friends or go out on his bike, he wouldn’t speak to me, I felt so helpless because I couldn’t help him, I pleaded with him to talk to someone, anyone but he wouldn’t, he was so quiet
Then one day, I begged him to tell me what was wrong, he told me he’d cheated on me again and that’s why he was acting the way he was, because he felt guilty, obviously an argument ensued, I was very angry as we had problems like this before, trust had been an issue, during the fight we had, because I’d had a couple of glasses of wine, I did get very upset (id struggled with mental health before we met) I told him I wanted to die because I was fed up with being hurt
How I regret that argument so much, he kept saying how he thought “he was no good for me” and I’d be “better off without him” I didn’t realise that meant he wanted to take his life, he remained quiet after telling me, but he continued to say he was quiet because of guilt, he told me that and I didn’t question it, he didn’t tell me he wanted to die
On the day he passed away, he was very withdrawn, it was a really sunny day so I suggested he go out on his bike, like he usually would, he got his bike things together and said goodbye, I listened to music and about half an hour later, rang him to ask him to get some shopping, he said yes, that he’d get some on his way home, that was the last conversation we ever had
An hour later, there was a knock at the door, to my surprise, it was my mum, she told me my boyfriend had rang her, telling her she needed to go round to our flat as he was going to do something stupid then he hung up the phone, my mum looked confused but instantly my heart sank
I noticed I’d missed a call from him,I lost count how many times I called his phone, they all went straight to answer phone, until a police woman answered, I instantly felt panicked, the policewoman told me to go to my parents house and wait for the police to come round, I wanted this all to be a horrible nightmare, I almost had to pinch myself, but it was real, after what seemed like forever, two policemen walked into the front room, they told me that Aaron had jumped from a building, they had tried to resuscitate him, but he died at the scene, I don’t remember much after that, my mum said I wouldn’t stop screaming, my whole world collapsed, I was in complete and utter shock
Now I’m left with the lingering trauma of that day, reliving that awful moment over and over, I have so much guilt, why didn’t I call a doctor? Why didn’t I tell more people? But he wouldn’t let me talk to anybody, and would he have gone to a doctor? He left no note so I have no clue as to why he took his own life, so I’m worried it’s something I did or said? Was it me expressing feeling suicidal myself? Did he think he was saving me in a bizarre way? Which he wasn’t, I’m absolutely devastated, I had to move out of our home we shared, my whole life has been torn apart, to make matters worse, his family have been extremely difficult, blaming me and my family for what’s happened to their son, they have taken his ashes, his bike, his favourite necklace which they promised me, they didn’t let me arrange anything for his funeral or wake, I’ve been left with all the debts from our flat
I am at the point, where this is all too much, I am already blaming myself, without his family blaming me, I don’t know what to do, I can’t cope without him, before I met Aaron, I always used to feel so out of place, like no one understood me, then I met him and everything fell into place, now he’s gone, there’s this awful void in my heart that can’t be filled, my family and friends are very supportive but I’m being told things such as “time heals all” and “you’ll find love again” these are said with the best intentions but it doesn’t help, how am I meant to heal from losing the one? my soul mate, my absolute everything, I’m close to giving up myself as at least I’d be with him, I have no clue how to carry on living without him
Please help me with some advise, I feel so alone in all of this

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Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:49 am

Re: Partner of ten years committed suicide, really lost and need support

Postby christabel » Fri Jun 08, 2018 10:12 pm


Can I first send you my deepest sympathy, what a dreadful thing to happen.

It is better to let yourself grieve, however it comes out. Obviously get as much support as you can and see your G.P. if necessary.

We can't be responsible for others action or know what they are thinking so pleased don't blame yourself. I am sure your boyfriend would not want you to take blame.

Don't know if I can offer any advice at the moment, hopefully other can step in although the forum can be quiet at times so don't give up hope.
Take care and let us know how you are. Chris

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Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Partner of ten years committed suicide, really lost and need support

Postby betterinrecovery » Wed Jun 13, 2018 1:11 am

Can I just tell you that I am really, really sorry for your loss.
with best wishes

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Joined: Sat May 03, 2014 12:59 am

Re: Partner of ten years committed suicide, really lost and need support (*Trig*)

Postby Demelza » Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:56 pm

I am so sorry .please don’t blame yourself.if I can support you on this forum please let us know how you are.

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