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voices in my head

For when you're feeling particularly vulnerable...
PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Mon Mar 26, 2018 1:13 pm

Hi Stephsept,

I'm sorry to read you weren't able to stave off these voices. It's not a coincidence, a bad day certainly makes these things harder. I was in a similar state this weekend, one trigger after the other and I fell apart. I was not alone which helped me feel some protection against myself. I stayed in bed, took painkillers for my head and listened to classical music.

I doubt you're feeling ok. Don't be hard on yourself. Just tell yourself you lost that battle but you haven't lost the war. It was a difficult moment, trust you are trying your best.

Can I just ask, what stopped you from reaching out on here?

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:10 pm

Too many voices and too many demons. tried turning up my music to stop them but they just kept getting loud and more violent.
Just got to the stage that a blade was the only way i could think of to stop them, one pain replacing another.
When i get this stage all logical solutions go out the window till it's too late.

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Mon Mar 26, 2018 6:01 pm

I hear you. It's been 4 months since I self harmed. The last time was really bad. My arm has taken months to heal. I felt terrible after it too, so disappointed in myself. I told myself that would be the last time I hurt myself in that way. I have been tested time and time again.

It's hard to stop when you believe in some way it helps. How do you feel after you've hurt yourself?

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Mon Mar 26, 2018 6:26 pm

Feel stupid,ashamed as if i've let my son down that my mother was right and i'm a waste of space.

Then the trip to the hospital for stitches and seeing the mental health team, which is a waste of time and no help.

My arms legs and wrists look like a map, wear long sleeves, long skirts so no one can see the scars on the outside, the ones on the inside are easier to hide from the world but not from me.

When you have this voice in your head telling you how useless you are and you're to blame for things that happened in your childhood you can only take it for so long so i look for another pain to stop the voices but it only lasts for a short time, then they start again saying how stupid you are that you can't even do that right.

A vicious circle that never ends.

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Mon Mar 26, 2018 7:26 pm

I do have that in my head, sometimes I want to take a hammer and smash my head in which is really scary. I feel sad thinking of your suffering because I know it feels impossible to live with. You are not a waste of space. It's your pain driving you to do these things. You are not a disappointment to your son, I feel your love for him, you are still here fighting for him. Take some photos and write in detail how you feel and keep it hidden - the next time you have these voices and want to do the same read it. It's focusing on the consequences that's helped me not do it since the last time. I took photos. It's easy to forget how bad it was once the scars heal, that's why I needed a reminder. Having to cover up all the time too, keeps it in your mind which sucks but it also makes you appreciate when you don't self harm and don't have to think about it everyday (to hide it).

You're going to have bad moments, the road to recovery isn't a smooth one. You've got to stand up to these voices. Try to identify some nice things about yourself, I'm sure there is plenty. I for one think you are courageous and determined because you are still here (after what you've been through and your struggle) and a loving mother from the way you think about your son :D Also, repeat 'I'm not to blame, I'm not responsible, I was just a child'.

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Mon Mar 26, 2018 8:34 pm

I know it wasn't my fault but the worse voice in my head is 8 year old me blaming me for allowing it to happen instead of blaming the 2 people responsible, one being the person who should have protected me the most instead of beating the crap out of me and telling me to get used to it and taking me back the next week knowing what was going to happen, guess having a Narcissist for a mother isn't a good start in life.

I thank God every day for my son and my grandson,making sure that i don't allow to happen to them what happened to me.

When i look at photos of them i know they are the reason i'm still here to protect them and make sure they have the best pain free life they can have, to give them the protection i never had, just some days that's not enough and my head convinces me they'd all be better off without me then the cutting starts or the pills, my own personal punishment.

Sometimes i feel as though i punish myself as those responsible can no longer be punished for what they done,i'm carrying on where they left off.

Just scared in a way that one day they won't be enough and the cut will go just that bit deeper or the few extra pills will be taken.

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Mon Mar 26, 2018 9:41 pm

That was very touching what you wrote about your son and grandson.

For all the attempts I've made on my life out of sheer impulsive desperation I'm lucky to still be around. I have that same fear, that the next time it might actually kill me. That's one of the reasons I'm back on here. I've isolated myself so much trying to protect myself from anxiety, triggers, risks etc.

I remember reading an article about shame and the disastrous consequences it can have, especially in children. Here is a link to an article similar:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/depressio ... nic-shame/

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Tue Mar 27, 2018 11:22 am

So much in that article i see in my self.

I don't leave my home unless i have to, have cut myself of from all my friends except for 1, even then i only communicate through Facebook or text,had to give up work because i could no longer stand to be around the people i worked with, came to hate them in my mind,but not in my heart.

Cared 24/7 for 7 years for the one person i hated the most just hoping one day she'd say thank you or you've done well. Even now she's dead i hate her even more as she's buried with my dad i can no longer visit his grave knowing she's there, how screwed up is that?

The question about depression and how long you've had it the more i think about it the longer i think i've suffered from depression. How i blame myself for what happened instead of the 2 people who should be blamed. The number of times i've sat in the bath or in bed and close my eyes hoping that i can just vanish, or wake in the morning,part of me hoping yesterday was my last, thinking can i survive another day

I don't know how to care for myself only how to hurt myself.

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Tue Mar 27, 2018 2:37 pm

I thought you'd be able to relate to the article.

I'm sorry you didn't receive the thank you that you deserved or the kind words you hoped for.

The more you image what life 'should' be like the less you are living the life you actually have.

Hate is a poison, feeling that hate does no favours to your mind or body. You'll be aware of that because you feel bad, tense up, it triggers a flood of emotion etc I'm still battling with some hate issues. I feel it's normal I hate certain people but what I don't want to be doing is actively hating them. Keeping that negative emotion blocked in my mind/body. Try writing why you hate them, what they did and the consequences etc and then read it out as if you are addressing them (like the conversation you didn't get to have). You'll see it makes perfect sense to hate them but does it make sense to keep it locked in your mind/body? You need to try to clear that blockage. Reduce them to nothing, not even worth the energy it takes to think about them - that takes time, you need to repeat the same message in your mind again and again about how you are worth more, you are more that what happened to you, this IS YOUR LIFE etc

It sounds as if you want to visit your fathers grave. What is more important, that you go there and see him or honor the hatred towards your mother? Do what you want to do, do something for yourself. You will have to face certain emotions but the reward is that you got to visit your father. I've noticed with anxiety it's difficult to live the life you want but that's exactly what you need to aim for. The only way out is through.

Listen it really sounds like you've been trying to cope alone for so long and it's exhausting you. Try to be mindful of that. You have a little reward centre in your brain that releases positive hormones when you achieve things. Start making a list of the things you want/need to do and make an effort to tackle them. Treat yourself to something. Think about going to the cemetery for yourself and your father (try not to bring her in to the equation). You'll need to get some fresh air, it's not healthy shutting yourself away (it just reinforces negative thought pasterns).

What kind of things did you like doing in the past? Do you have things that interest you? It's important to get out of your mind, is there a community centre near by? I'm not saying you have to commit yourself to anything but just find out what your area has to offer - a tea morning, knitting group, walking groups (very very good for you) . You'll think I don't understand suggesting such things but I do, you need to start believing something other than this suffering is possible, sometimes that means pushing yourself out of your comfort zone y'know.

I'm pleased to read you have a friend :D

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Wed Mar 28, 2018 2:39 pm

Outside are too many people,always feel as if they are judging me. Freeze if i hear a mother tell her kids off, all i hear is my mothers voice saying the words. She's so deep seated in my head when ever i hear an argument, raised voice, criticism all i hear is their words in her voice, so to avoid this i don't go out unless i have to which is once a month to see my GP. Also avoiding triggers which cause one of the safe boxes in my head to crack open and memories come out.


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