Hi Cyprus, I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you're experiencing. Losing some one you love is just impossibly awful sometimes.
Anxiety was a big problem for me during the first year after losing someone. Grief and everything else didn't go away but the anxiety did get better. My anxiety symptoms improved with treatment (Dr/medication/specific counselling etc) but it wasn't easy.
As you say, you are in a shit place to be right now, I think it's right and honest that you acknowledge that, and try to take care of yourself as much as you can.
All the best,